If you’re reading this you’ve probably said these words way too often for comfort, leading to painful missed and blown opportunities. I’m not the kind of guy who can do that sort of thing.

I have a friend who keeps saying these words. Need I say that he’s a great guy, but always lonely, always single? Every guy who’s guilty of saying some variation of these words when it comes time to getting your romantic life handled, raise your hand.

Now slap yourself with it. Ask your mates to slap you too, cos that attitude is killing your chances of finding the kind of fulfilment you genuinely want when it comes to women.

What you have is a self-limiting belief. This negative belief about yourself is affecting the attitude you project to the world around you. It is defining your identity by marking you as a man who expects a woman to choose him (from all the options open to her), by pitying him, by feeling sorry for his loneliness, to see his golden qualities and select him despite all the other men out there who are all willing to go out and demonstrate to her that they have the qualities she wants in her ideal man. Seriously, do you expect to get a job by failing to go for the interview? Do you expect the interviewers to notice you as you walk by in the street while they sift through candidates that are making their best pitch for the position? Keep dreaming.

Under those conditions you have to take the jobs you get - NOT the ones you choose.

Women look for strength in men, they search for certainty, the willingness to act - three things that are clearly missing in your display cabinet. When it comes to the dating game, attitude is aptitude.

What we believe, we make true. If you aren’t able to generate a good male display you will never have choice with women.

When you look deep inside yourself, what are you projecting?

To get help contact Lloyd De Jongh from Social or Single

Popularity: 8% [?]

I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book! A commonsense guide to Successful Internet Dating.’ by Evan Marc Katz From a 31-year-old Internet Dating Consultant, this guide comes as a surprisingly simple and extremely entertaining companion for beginners and advanced Internet Daters. It has the unthreatening feel of an anthology of anecdotes and humorous tales designed to encourage even the most reluctant reader to open their hearts and minds to a new world of Online Dating.The book starts off detailing the fears one may have when trying something many still consider fairly taboo. Online dating has, however, entered the mainstream, and in a big way. Katz does his utmost to comfort the hesitant sceptics and initiate all into this not-so-perilous world. He lists several sites and the basic requirements one must fulfil before joining and finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Every minute aspect of joining the Online Dating phenomenon is addressed honestly and with the reader’s ease in mind.

Katz is extremely open about the pitfalls of Online Dating and encourages his audience to have realistic expectations, pointing out, “Joining an Online Dating service is like joining a gym. You don’t lose weight simply by signing up. You have to make a concerted effort.” That’s where this book comes in. It’ll give you tips on writing a mega-profile. Just read Katz’s own intro: “Funny Guy with Killer Body and Money to Burn seeks Woman who Doesn’t Believe Everything She Reads.” Try the Dictionary for Online Personal Ads and you’ll find that a woman who calls herself a ‘Poet’ is simply a ‘Depressive Schizophrenic’ and a man who advertises himself as ‘Very good looking’ is really ‘Dumb as a Board’. Sound Familiar?

The book deals specifically with Internet Dating but would be highly useful for anyone wanting some advice on relationships in general. Katz offers truthful observations about the difficulty of finding a suitable partner and about making yourself more attractive. He lists basic Dos and Don’ts for everyone looking for that special someone or for a casual fling or friendship. It all comes down to the same principles of honesty and creativity. He says of pictures, “Put up only good pictures. (As long as they look like you).” I never would have thought of that.

Katz talks about the inevitable meeting and even encourages multiple in-person dates. He is especially frank when he talks about the seemingly inter-planetary man/woman divide. It would take more than a book for some of us to decipher the opposite sex but it’s a start.

Gay couples aren’t really addressed in this book and that may put a damper on it for some. The other major downside is that it is primarily focused on the North American market, meaning South African online dating websites aren’t assessed in the ‘Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Moe’ section. Still, there are universal elements being covered that transcend gender and geography so these may only be minor setbacks.

‘I can’t believe I’m buying this book’ will leave you with a lot to think about whether you’re just starting out or looking to increase your charm. Funny and insightful, one is left unsurprised that the book was written by someone who has been on both sides of the Internet Dating business. I can’t believe you wouldn’t give it a read.

‘I can’t believe I’m buying this book! A commonsense guide to Successful Internet Dating.’ by Evan Marc Katz published by Ten Speed Press

• Buy I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Common Sense Guide To Internet Dating from Kalahari.net
• Download a FREE ebook by Evan Marc Katz
• Watch Evan Marc Katz being interviewed by Kyra Phillips on CNN Live

Popularity: 15% [?]

It is Saturday evening, two weeks after you conquered the butterflies and tried speed dating. You are snazzing yourself up for your date with Peter, Speed Date #8. And asking yourself how on earth you managed to get yourself into this position, wondering what to do next, because, let’s be honest, these are unusual circumstances. You are about to go out with a guy whom you hardly know, except what you can learn in three to ten minutes – that he is Speed Dater #8, likes the colour red, has two brothers and one sister, and is an accountant. Breathe…

The Match-Up

At the beginning of the speed dating evening, each dater is given a piece of paper on which to evaluate their partners. Speed Dater #8 – Hot as heck, complimented me on my new top…he’s a winner 8/10. You can write down anything that strikes you about your partner. After fifteen dates in one evening it is highly doubtful that you will otherwise remember the details. When you hand the piece of paper in at the end of the evening, the organisers will match you up with partners who rated you equally highly. They will then supply each of you with the other’s email address or other contact details and leave you to get on with the rest of it.

The Call-Up

After the organisers have left you to it, it is up to you to initiate contact, or to disparage contact if you suddenly realise that you have made a huge mistake and marked #8 instead of #6. You may also get a number of matches, and you are not obliged to communicate with everyone whom you may have marked as a match. Remember that of your partners too. They may realise that another speed dater makes a better match, that they are really in love with their ex-girlfriend, or simply that they are not interested in dating at the moment. So, although it’s incredibly tempting, don’t retreat from the world to eat tubs of double chocolate ice-cream with caramel sauce if there is no contact from the other side. Just try again.

If you do find a connection however, the normal dating rules apply from here on out. There is the universal conundrum of when do I make contact? If I do it too soon, I’ll seem desperate. But if I wait too long, I might be invited to the wedding with speed Dater #11. Two to three days is long enough. After three days, you will have been forgotten, and the potential love of your life will already have plans for this weekend.

Email is the safest way to initiate contact. There is little risk of you catching a case of cold feet and slamming down the phone. I know people who find ‘The Phonecall’ so intimidating that they will actually rehearse the conversation, and write it down so they can consult it if they get stuck. By contrast, email seems the easy option. It is also safer. You don’t want Speed Dater #8-turned-psycho-stalker calling you at all hours of the night.

The tone of the email is up to you, but remember the nuances of conversation are often lost when written down. Those flirty jokes may come across as sexual harassment, and intimacy is rather more difficult to establish. At the other end of the spectrum, personality does not always come across through email. Your date may not come across as the super-sexy Speed Dater #8 that you remember, but that provides all the more reason to meet again in person.

The Hook-Up

Having made contact, it is tempting to arrange coffee immediately. However, you risk seeming desperate again. By allowing time to establish some semblance of a relationship, you make the first date a little less awkward. That is not to say that you should wait a month, but only until you have exchanged a few emails. You will then know a little bit more about the other person than could be discovered in three to ten minutes. You will know that your date had a big meeting on Wednesday, and so you can ask how it went.

Unfortunately, dating is not that safe, particularly for women. Speed dating allows you to screen potential dates, both on the evening and by establishing contact via email. But this still does not offer you complete security. Ensure the date is in a public place, that you do not reveal too much personal information until you feel comfortable, and that a friend knows where you are going.

So there you are – it is a Saturday evening, and you are snazzing yourself up for a date with Peter, Speed Dater #8. You have done everything right thus far. You look good, and, from what you can remember, he looks good too. There is no reason to have heart palpitations. Technically, this is not even a first date, it is a second date to the shortest first date in the world. Apply all the techniques you used to snag the speed date, and you will be just fine. It may work out, it may not, but hey you deserve credit for giving it a shot.

Checkout our list of Speed Dating companies in South Africa

Popularity: 8% [?]

Supersex, published in 2002 is the first in a new series of books by Tracey Cox, who visited South Africa last December on a whirlwind tour to promote her latest book, Superdate.To those of you less familiar with this sexy lass, she is described as one of the world’s foremost writers on sex and relationship. All the books under her belt as well as numerous TV appearances and writing columns in newspapers and magazines. Yes, “let’s talk about sexy baby, let’s talk about you and me” as the song by TLC said. Firstly this is a book that all men should read. Not because of the great and explicitly pictures of nakes women (and naked men) but because it gives you great insight into how to please a women sexually. Obviously Tracey Cox, being a woman herself places a little bias on how to please the woman. But my personal experience has taught me that she is spot on. Most men have no idea how to please a women sexually. Dr Robert W. Birch, a retired marital and sex therapist, says that only 30% of women have an orgasm during intercourse and as much as 15% of the female population have never experienced an orgasm!

And as a man I can safely say that men are so easy to please. Come (sic) to think of it we only have to be touched, sucked, stroked and wham, bam, thank you m’am! So how where do we begin? Well first step is to learn how to please your partner. Tracey Cox advises us here on how to touch a naked man or woman. Then we move onto teasing, and here we go into bit more specifics about “telling if he’d be great in bed”, “single vs couple sex”, toyboys, kissing and more.

The chapter entitled Moanzone was my personal favourite. In this section we learn how to give oral sex. It is really important that men realise that most women will only climax when they receive oral sex (or using a vibrator). Now you choose. I would rather give oral sex then have my woman use a vibrator after I’ve climaxed because I believe in giving and receiving pleasure.

All in all reading this book contains a lot of great practical advice. This will satisfy your instant gratification needs. Next step is to persuade your partner to try some of these meneuveres with you. As Jim Carrey says in the Truman Show, “If I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night.” And I’ll add, “Good sex!”

Tracey Cox is one of the world’s foremost writers on sex and relationships and is also a TV presenter. As well as starring in the UK series of Would Like to Meet, Tracey is also starring in the US version of the show, renamed Date Patrol. Her brand-new show, Under One Roof, airs later this year on ITV, when Tracey turns her hand to solving all the problems living together can cause.

Tracey has a psychology degree and is a regular columnist for The Sunday Times. She also writes a weekly column in Closer magazine. Her books Hot Sex, Hot Relationships and Supersex are international bestsellers and her latest book, Superflirt is due to be published in November. Tracey was born in the UK but spent many years in Australia where she edited Cosmopolitan magazine.

Visit Tracey Cox official website

Popularity: 30% [?]