Entries Tagged 'Body Language' ↓

When you meet a woman for the first time it’s very important you make it clear to her that you are NOT like all the other guys. More specifically you want her to know you are a man and not a wussy. It still surprises me how androgynous most men behave towards women they meet. Think about the last time you were at a bar or house party. Consider how you were introduced to a woman and you automatically stuck out your hand to shake hands like you in a business context.

Now there is nothing wrong with shaking hands per se but every other guy in the room has greeted this woman in the same manner. Instead think about how she greets her girlfriends…there is touching, kissing and a lot of physical contact. There is an instantaneous bond formed when you’re able to have some kino early on. Again think about how you strike up a posture, stick out your hand for the traditional handshake. I have even met guys who shake the hands of women like the would another guy i.e. they use a lot of force and pressure. Why men would go this far could have multiple explanations. However, my gut feeling is they are completely unconscious about their actions.

So what does it mean when you just do a normal handshake with a woman you’ve just met? Well it could mean that you are intimidated by her, you are unconscious about your behaviour and you are not sexually attracted to her or a host of other reasons. The short answer with body language is that it’s much more important to send the right signals instead of trying to read her signals.

So how should you greet a woman to ensure kino escalation?

1. Hug the woman instead of greeting her: When she is introduced to you by someone else, just look at her hand and say something like, “I don’t shake hands with women…” and proceed to open you arms. Allow her to move forward to hug you because if you move forward she may step back, which would put a damper on things for you.
2. Twirl her around: Imagine you’re doing a basic salsa move with her. Take her right hand with your left hand and proceed to turn her clock wise. This is a super sexy move because she will not see this coming and the spontaneous nature of this move will send all the right signals.
3. Kiss her on both cheeks: Maybe you have seen how girlfriends sometimes greet each other by kissing both cheeks. What I mean here is kissing her in this way to move directly into the comfort phase. Before you kiss her you should place your hands on both her shoulders.

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This is a summary from an excellent video by Richard Bandler, the co-creator of Neuro Lingustic Programming and Anne Teachworth, author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.

This is a video from a seminar in the 1980s and Richard Bandler is witty, charming while demonstrating profoundly simply ways to create deep connections with the opposite effect. I had not heard of Anne Teachworth before watching this video and since discovering her I’ve added her book, Why We Pick The Mates We Do, to my wishlist.

One of the core aspects of NLP is the frame (of mind) which in the case of patterns of flirting says it is unkind to let someone sit on the other side of the room without getting the opportunity of meeting you. There’s two steps to change: the inside and the outside. In fact its my core belief going forward that once you take care of the inside, the outside begins to take care of itself.

He who hesitates waits. Wait until the women is in a great mood and touch her on her arm, close to her elbow, squeeze slightly. This anchors those good feelings to you. Most of us inadvertently anchor bad feelings from girlfriends or wife because we touch them, in the hope of making them feel better, during an argument. Flirting is a chance to get to know someone without a commitment. All flirting is based on body asymmetry. Try to use angles for eye contact rather then direct eye contact.

The eyes is the starting point for flirting in the exterior sense because you will remember glances. When someone else is looking away, wait for them to look at you, and nod. Make sure you sit next to someone you want to get to know if you know you’re going to be in a long or whole day meeting, seminar or conference. How to take hesitation and turn it into wanton desire.

Let your eyes linger long enough for the woman to notice. Start with her eyes, work your way down till her toes, and slowly work your way up. Maybe even wet your lips at the end. Think of your eyes as a finger.

Bite the bottom lip, look down just a little bit, and up off to the side. Tilt your body at an angle. Sitting up straight does not allow you to move and create angles. For example facing forward and looking to the side, looking up and underneath.

Breath at the same rate. Listen to the tempo of the voice of the person you’re speaking to. Slow down and compliment something about them and be very specific. Comment on it, look at it and touch it. Do all this at the same time.

Every time a man kisses a woman’s hand, she never forgets. When you kiss, lift the hand up, use your other hand and lift her arm up.

Women should remember to ask for more, “Oh I love that, do that again.” Shift to using nicknames as quickly as possible. Touch them on the nose and say “hey princess” and anchors again.

Something I learned from Richard Bandler a while ago is that you learn the best when you’re having fun. So when you can create a fun flirting experience with someone from the opposite sex, you are training or teaching them, to respond with fun and flirtatious moves.

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On Sunday I was out for the first time in a very long time at the weekly stand-up comedy at Cool Runnings in Melville, hosted by John Vlismas and the indomitable team from Whacked Management. This is an awesome place to take a woman after you’ve first met her on a date. There is nothing better than laughing to get your emotions spiking naturally and your brain releasing the right mixture of chemicals and endorphins.

The more I listen to him, the more I realise the genius of Richard Bandler, when he teaches that you make good decisions when you feel good and that your own internal state determines how people respond to you. So stand-up comedy helps to make a woman feel good when she’s with you, those good feelings become linked to you. And the beauty of going to events like this is that you do not have to funny yourself. Simply relax, enjoy and have a good laugh with her and everyone else.

Anyway onto kissing. I made small mistake this time around as I waited almost toward the end of the evening to kiss her. We were inside during the comedy show and afterwards went around the corner to Cat’s Pajamas for coffee. Throughout the evening there was excellent eye contact, a sort of dance between my eyes and her eyes. And every now and then I touched her, played with her hair, her scarf, etc. This is a fundamental sign that a woman is comfortable with you i.e. when she allows you to play with her hair.

As we left Cat’s Pajamas the best place to kiss her could have been just before we left the building, downstairs, where it was private and discreet. Secondly I could have kissed her before we left Cool Runnings, after the immediate high from the stand-up comedy. Instead I walked her to her car, and as I said, for me it was damn cold, and that is not the best internal state to be in when trying to escalate physically with a woman. I pulled her close and kissed her gently. Not the kind of french kissing I wrote about here but a few short pecs on the lips. I let her go and pulled her back again and she responded. The timing just wasn’t the best and the place wasn’t the best.

As a man you should avoid the above mistake wherever you can. Ensure that you physically escalate throughout the evening. Never leave the kiss to come as a surprise right and the end of the evening. And if you ever dropping a woman off, unless you are already dating, forget about kissing her before she gets out of the car. She may offer a hug and you’ll know that you screwed up your chances earlier in the evening. The principle is really to kiss her when you are feeling the best inside, because you will be naturally confident as you lean over or pull her into you for that awesome smooch on-top of her smile.

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I am by no means an expert public speaker but I am on my way to becoming one. Why do I say make this statement that sounds slightly arrogant? In fact it’s not arrogant at all it is me brimming with self-confidence because I know that I am learning and practising the basics. The fundamentals in any discipline ends up being the foundation in which your success is built on. So when it comes to public speaking and delivering presentations at conferences there are right ways of doing things and wrong ways of doing things.

The first is really being prepared. From my Toastmasters club I have learned this lesson over and over to the point where I have rather cancelled a speech than force myself to go ahead. No yes you can have courage to do something unprepared and with a little luck you may survive. The masters teach competence over courage. You will always have a slight edge to you if you are competent with a little fear than courages and ignorant about the reality of situations.

Anyway for the two days I sat through one of the worse conferences I have ever attended. I don’t really care so much about the fact that it was not well attended but more so for the fact that the speakers was really, really bad. And you have to remember that these were professionals, mostly men, with many years of business experience. And the sad fact is that most of them desperately need to be sent on presentation skills AND public speaking courses. Without naming names I will present some of the common mistakes made and some remedies for you to consider…

1. Reading off your presentation

You may as well stop right here. If you are going to read from your presentation you have already lost the audience. Why? They can read faster than you! You must know your subject so well that you only need a few keywords. And Guy Kawasaki describes the optimal font size as 30 pts in his 10/20/30 rule on Powerpoint presentations. The fact that speakers have to read off there presentation says two things: first you are not prepared and second you don’t know how to create effective slides

2. Really bad Powerpoint

This is also the name of a free ebook by Marketing legend Seth Godin. Some of the speakers had such a plethora of colours, animation and text going on it was virtually impossible to read these slides. Yes they end up looking very nice, very fancy but it serves absolutely no purpose. These slides probably take much longer to prepare as well. You must keep it short and simple. From an excellent website called Presentation Zen I recently discovered the Takahashi Method which uses ONLY REALLY BIG TEXT in his presentations.

3. So what factor?

I would blame this partially on the organisers and partially on the speakers. In marketing or communicating a message to an audience you have to tune into radio WIIFM as my friend Tony Roocroft always used to say. For those of you who don’t know WIIFM stands for “What’s In It For Me!” and this is one of the most important questions you must ask yourself, placing yourself in the shoes of the audience, before speaking. I really could care less about most of the presentations. There was no flow, nothing to connect them together.

4. Focus

Focussing on one topic, a central theme, is really important to convey your message. While many of the speakers were all over the show a few them had a really good focus. What happens with narrow focus is becomes much easier to captivate the audience’s attention. You are also able to spend more time with stories and therefore get your message across by way of analogy. Our brains are not programmed to absorb large amounts of raw date, like numbers and statistics in large amounts. In general you are better served by stories that create visual images or when speakers use word pictures.

5. Bad body language

Most of the speakers were either looking at their laptops or looking at the projector screen. Therefore they were not making any eye contact with the audience. And even though it was not a sell-out crowd there were people there who were hungry for attention. Again part of the blame must be assigned to the organisers who did not take the time to evaluate the presentations or speakers. Just because somebody is some kind of corporate executive it does not mean they are a good communicator.

In summary I am very fortunate to have been exposed to presentation skills while working at Deloitte in 1999. During a team building weekend in the Drakensberg my team won the best presentation and being the team leader who delivered the presentation brings back some awesome memories. This path that I have chosen of public speaking is part of my core genius or unique ability.

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On Tuesday evening I won the Best Preprepared Speech (2nd time) for my C&L 5 Body Language speech at my Toastmasters club. This was weird because I chose to speak about the basics of body language and the objective of the speech was to demonstrate body language.

Some of the basics that I covered were:

1. When you arrive at a new venue pause when you enter the room. Allow people to notice you. This is an extremely powerful statement especially in a bar or nightclub. You must pause for several seconds about 10 to really allow the room to become aware of you. When you do this you will experience society pressure in your subconscious. Ignore that breath and walk through the centre of the room. Whether you realise this or not you have just demonstrated using only body language to be a very confident man. Much more confident than most guys in bars and clubs. Most of the women will have noticed and be more open to speaking to you later on when you approach them. Some may even come up to you after you have positioned yourself somewhere visible.

2. When you are walking always push your shoulders back. So whenever you are out always remember to do this. You will automatically push your chest out. And this reminds me of that feeling of a gorilla clobbering it’s chest. It’s really something that gives you the best possible posture for walking and standing up. Your back will be straight and this is also healthy for your spine.

3. When you are sitting down try to take up as much space as possible. For women it’s acceptable to cross their legs but for men it’s not recommended. So when you are in a public place…say at a fancy lounge, chances are they will have sofa’s. Sit down in the middle of the sofa stretch out your arms over the back and spread your legs like you own the place. This sends a very loud and clear message of your alpha male status.

Lastly Tracey Cox is her many books on body language states the most common mistake people make in dating situations is trying to read the other person’s body language. You should instead focus on the body language signals you are sending. This is the one thing you have completely control over. So don’t forget this fundamental lesson. Focus on your own body language and your non-verbal communication will increase in impact.

Research has shown that 60% of communication is non-verbal. Another 33% is voice tone. And only seven percent, that’s 7% is the actual words we speak. And when you realise how superior women are to ready body language. As a guy this is a crucial area for all men to improve.

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Humans are remarkably similar to animals. Despite the faculty of speech, most human communication occurs through body language. And now speed dating, like animal courtship, allows you the chance to choose a partner based on a short period of strutting and posing. Your date is not going to jump into your lap and pull ticks out of your hair, so you need to learn how send and receive the subtleties of body language.

Your date likes you if:
-he smiles at you. A ‘true’ smile is one which changes rapidly from a small movement to a broad expression, and crinkles the corners of the eyes.
-his pupils dilate.
-his eyebrows rise and fall as soon as he sees you.
-he maintains eye contact. But, if, at some point in the conversation, he drops his gaze to look downwards, it means he feels comfortable with you.
-he mirrors your body language. We subconsciously imitate people we like, even to the point of speaking like them.
-his legs are pointed in your direction.

If you like your date, then:
-smile.
-don’t fidget or cross your arms. This will tell him that you feel uncomfortable in his presence.
-during the course of the conversation, lean forward. But respect his personal space. To lean forward too early into the date is threatening. If he leans forward too, you know the feeling is mutual, but if he sits back, retreat!
-don’t touch him. In a relationship of only 3 minutes, touching is uncalled for.
-look at him while he is speaking, but don’t stare. Lean your head to one side you show you are interested.
-mirror his behaviour, but not to the point that you look as though you are making fun of him.
-flick your hair, gently and sparingly.

There are unfortunately shady characters out there. So beware if:
-he won’t make eye contact with you. It’s widely believed that to look left while speaking indicates the person is lying.
-he fidgets and crosses his arms. He is obviously uncomfortable around you. It may just be the case that he is shy, but do you really want to spend valuable time trying to get through to the ‘inner him’?
-he leans too far into your personal space or tries to touch you.
-his gestures are wide and aggressive. Pointing, raising his voice and sudden movements are all aggressive.
-if his body tells you one thing, but his speech tells you another. Body language is generally taken to be more revealing, because it is largely unconscious.

But bear in mind that when a dog wags his tail, it means he’s happy. When a cat wags his tail, beware. Every person is different. Don’t base your diagnosis on one signal, but rather on a few supporting ones. And trust your instincts. It’s a cliché, but a true one.

Download my Speed Dating ebook here.

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Ramon Thomas talks to Tracey Cox, world renown sex, relationship and body language guru

Tracey Cox, the world renowned sex, relationship and body language guru, did a world wind tour of South Africa from 30 November to 1 December 2004. She was interviewed on the popular talk show, 3Talk with Noeleen, and hosted an intimate evening, and book signing at Rhapsody’s in Fourways, Johannesburg.

I met Tracey before the event and had asked her what she thought about other relationships books out there. She admitted that books of this nature must be fun to read, to the point, and provide illustrations where applicable. Her new book, Superdate, the follow-up to the hugely successful Supersex, and Superflirt.

Best known as a body language expert, Cox selected two people to demonstrate the basics of body language. After they sat down on a table she quickly began to point out typical mistakes made which are in fact bad posture and shows a lack of confidence. After all confidence is the name of game for successful dating or mating. According to Cox, South African men tend to become arrogant when nervous. Pointing out how to stand, how to sit, and what to do with our legs, she quickly demonstrated the basics of good positive, provocative, body language:

• Always roll back the shoulders.
• Keep your back straight.
• A women may cross her legs but it’s a not advisable for men
• Do not fold hands or clasp hands but keep them separate or on top of each other.
• When entering a room full of people, first pause at the door, then walk through the centre. Even if you are shy, and end of leaning against the wall, this shows confidence, and first impressions do last.

The women at Rhapsody’s by far outnumbered the men. One wonders how serious men take this business of flirting and body language. The event organisers, Fastdate, and Penguin Books, did a superb job in allowing the audience to interact with Cox on such a personal level.

It’s a pity I couldn’t ask her questions about my own body language. She said I was too “nice”, so I’d be no good when for the body language demonstrations. One thing to learn from all this is that you shouldn’t focus too much on the other person and trying to read their body language. Instead focus on your own body language and what signals you want to send.

Tracey Cox is one of the world’s foremost writers on sex and relationships and is also a TV presenter. As well as starring in the UK series of Would Like to Meet, Tracey is also starring in the US version of the show, renamed Date Patrol. Her brand-new show, Under One Roof, airs later this year on ITV, when Tracey turns her hand to solving all the problems living together can cause.

Tracey has a psychology degree and is a regular columnist for The Sunday Times. She also writes a weekly column in Closer magazine. Her books Hot Sex, Hot Relationships and Supersex are international bestsellers and her latest book, Superflirt is due to be published in November. Tracey was born in the UK but spent many years in Australia where she edited Cosmopolitan magazine.

Visit Tracey Cox official website

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