Entries Tagged 'Friendship' ↓

This section is based on the famous Dale Carnegie book, although I’m not going to give you the advice from his book because it is outdated when you consider the tremendous changes in society over the last 30 years, especially since the feminist revolution.

So many people who reach 30+ complain that all their friends are married or in long term relationships. And so they do not have anyone to hang out with or go out to party with. This leads to them exploring things like speed dating and other types of matchmaking services in an attempt to expand their social circle.

The fundamental thing that bonds people together is common interest. And in most cases you are friends with people who are more like you than unlike you. So this is where you would start to explore how to make new friends. What you have to start doing is to explore friendships with people based on the activities you participate in. So for example of you are a gym freak, and you spend 4 or more days per week at your local gym, it’s a good idea for you to start conversations with people who hang out at your gym. From there you can start building rapport over time.

Now how do you actually form friendships, especially if you have been single, for a long time. You simply start inviting people to join you out on other activities. You do not have to anything complicated but say for example you are having a braai at your place. This is the perfect time and place to invite new friends who can meet each other or existing friends. You have to remember that it does take some effort to get to know people. So you must be sure to make the barriers of entry as low as possible. So don’t even suggest a bring-n-braai instead buy everything and ask them to bring along their favourite drink.

One guy had this crazy way of making friends with women where he would invite them all out for drinks. They end up competing for his attention and this very healthy kind of attention is what creates rapport between people.

From Dale Carnergie here’s a few more specific tips:

Ways to Make People Like You:

• Become genuinely interested in other people and smile
• Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• Talk in the terms of the other person’s interest.
• Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

Something else I like to do for my friends is to send them information about things they are interested in via email. And whenever I meet up with them we start sharing stories about what’s happened in our lives. I ensure that we speak more about what’s happened in their lives than my own. It’s impossible not to talk about myself because inevitably they will ask me the same questions I’ve asked them. You can also use websites like Facebook and SA Reunited to connect with old friends and new ones.

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A few years ago I dated a single mother. And it was actually great because she shipped the kids off to her mother and they never impacted on our time together. And in the end I pressured her to spend more time with them. This led to an amicable split. Subsequently I had another encounter with a single mother. This was a complete disaster because there was a continued compromise of time we could spend together. Suffice it to say it didn’t go anywhere. And even before I came across Leykis 101 rule on not dating single mothers, I already came to my own decision to avoid them. Its this simple: a single mother will always, always put her children ahead of you. So if you are a unmarried guy with no kids, like me, never settle for a relationship with a single mother. Its pathetic because there are so many woman without children out there.

Now just last night I had an experience with going out with a friend of mine, who also happens to be a single mother. I’m a regular salsa student at the Dance Junxion in Mall of Rosebank, Johannesburg and last night they hosted on of their regular a latin dance parties. I had invited her and a few other people along earlier in the week. They all said they had other plans so I decided to go alone. I got over this going out alone thing a very long time ago.

Well my single mother friend called me on Saturday afternoon to check if I’m still going to the Havana Nights party. I said yes, and I’m going alone. So she asked if she could come along and if I would pick her up. I agreed. We go out often to bars and clubs and she’s helped me with instant social proof. Something was off because when I picked her up, one of her dogs bit me! Damn! The universe was telling me this is not the right thing to do. Like Paulo Coelho says, it was an omen, and I ignored it.

Later on at the party I was having a good time because there was about three to four women for every guy. And all the women were wearing these fantastic dresses and high heeled shoes which accentuate their legs. And I realised I’d been going to all the wrong places to meet women. Here at the Dance Junxion most of the women were single, had fantastic figures and were always willing to talk or dance with you! Well my single mother friend pissed me off because she wanted to leave. I eventually took her home and returned promptly. Her reasoning was that there was not enough guys. She wasn’t getting the amount of attention that she is used to. What a pathetic existence it must be to be such an attention hore. I decided then and there I will never go out with her again.

So my friend I want to advise you to learn from my mistakes. Do not waste your time with single mothers, to date them, to have them as friends. Let them sort out their own shit. And do not get trapped into believing you need to be nice or polite or friendly. Generally speaking single mothers cannot give back as much as they want from other people. Why? Because of their responsibility.

My own mother sacrificed so much of her own happiness because of being a single mother. That my friend is a story for another day.

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This is a tip from Leil Lowndes, a prolific author of relationship, communication books. What has become valuable to me is the female friends I have in my life who are actively looking on my behalf for my next girlfriend and trying to introduce me to them. And this is happening more often. And even though I don’t need the help anymore it is constantly increasing my social network. I highly recommend Leil’s book, How To Talk To Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships.

And now for her July Novel Nugget…

If someone asks you the same question twice, don’t embarrass them by answering with precisely the same words. Rescue them from that mortifying moment when they realize, “Whoops, I already asked that.” For example, someone inquires, “What year did you graduate?” You answer, “In 1996.” Later in the conversation, forgetting they had asked, they again pose the question, “What year did you graduate?” Don’t repeat “In 1996″. Hearing you say the same words again makes it disgracefully obvious that they weren’t listening the first time.

Save their face, (and their friendship,) by responding to their repeated question with different words. This time answer “Ten years ago.” They now happily continue chatting, oblivious to the fact that they paid no attention to you the first time.

Yes, you are being kind by rescuing them from their embarrassment But it redounds to your benefit as well. Why? A funny thing happens to people. If you make their big blooper obvious, their well deserved humiliation later turns to subconscious resentment of you.

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