Do have a better Relationship with Technology?

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 2323/090909/2011201120112011 • 1 Comment • , ,

Technology or Relationship?Your  technology takes on a new kind of relationship the day you begin to decorate your phones. Girls may recall growing up with dolls, dressing them, playing house and pretending they are the mommy or daddy or both. Boys are playing with cars, building or breaking them, finding out where the action lies in the toys. Since this young age we’re conditioned to spend more time with replacements for human relationships.

What is the relationship you have with your best friend? Can you honestly tell them everything you tell your cellphone? I doubt you can because your cellphone knows your deepest and darkest secrets. You tell it everything about yourself. You tell it what you hate, what you love, who you hate, who you love, where you are, where you are going, what happened, when it happened, how it happened. And you don’t just tell it stories…You also feed it with images like photos of yourself, or your friends, or things and places around you. You even feed it images from elsewhere so it learns more about you than you learn about it.

Question: Who is your best friend? What would happen if you give them your phone, and they give you there’s for a week?

Communication

Today it seems easier to send a sms or email rather then make a phone call. Why is this? You don’t need scientific evidence to realise that it takes longer to communicate via typing then voice. You talk faster then you can type no matter if you are 13 or 33 years old. In public speaking circles it’s common knowledge that transmit more information when you are speaking like voice tone and body language that you can never pick-up from text. Written words are mostly two dimensional while voice is multidimensional. A person who’s whispering can be more seductive, more romantic and brings you closer to them. A person shouting or screaming shows anger and pushes you away from them. So communication through the screen lacks emotion and we try to make up for it using emoticons like :-)

The quality of your relationships are determined by the way you communicate with people. The more you find yourself avoiding a phone calls or face to face discussions, the more dependant you become on using cellphones or Internet as intermediaries. This is probably where the phrase, “Lost in translation” will take on new meaning in the 21st century. Communication is the key to compassion. And it’s not the same when you listen to a person pouring their heart out to you over BBM or WhatsApp.

What is the role of Technology in Romantic Relationships?

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 1919/040404/2010201020102010 • 3 Comments • , ,

One of the tragedies of the romantic relationships in the 21st century is the lack of quality and the lack of depth. Technology has played a pivotal role in bringing people closer together and also keeping people from connecting at deeper levels. We’ve seen the rise of Internet dating as means for people to find suitable partners to become friends, go on dates and to eventually get married. This has been further enhanced by adult dating websites, which allow people to skip courtship and go straight to sex.

We’ve also seen the erosion of boundaries between couples. Cellphones have placed people at the beck and call of their mates. And so you find many people who would otherwise have developed a very strong individualised personality within the relationship breaking down when they cannot get hold of their partner. A pastor from a church once cautioned me about the devastating impact cellphones and MXit was having on young married couples. What he found was that as teenagers, they develop their online friendships, sometimes having hundreds of “friends” on social networks. And when they get married, they want to maintain those friendships. Now here arises a real conflict because the husband or wife may have their own “friends” they are used to communicating with. This eventually leads to a severe breakdown in communication, a lack of trust, and is the opposite of what these people should ideally have at the beginning of a marriage.

Now it’s a fact that we do not live in a perfect world. And in the same way that technology is abused, its also having a very positive impact. Technology like Skype, the most popular VOIP application on the Internet, has allowed people to connect and even do video calls anywhere in the world. Social networking has had the same positive impact in that it has allowed people to maintain friendships and even develop romantic relationships over long distances. And I firmly believe we’ve now reached the stage where people are more realistic about the people they meet on the Internet.

The greatest challenge for 21st century relationships is moving from addiction-based technology1 relationships to real connections, real intimacy. And I’ll explore this more in my upcoming book, The Psychology of Technology.

Social Media is not Social Interaction

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 1919/030303/2010201020102010 • 7 Comments • , , ,

My role as a technology evangelist is to bring the good news about technology to you. Well there is good news and there is bad news. And as with most people I’m sure you prefer the bad news first. A question I want you to ask yourself before I share that news with you is this: is technology really neutral or is it biased based on the inherent function that is is designed for?

Anyway here’s the bad news: there is a myth promulgated that in today’s society that social media is social interaction. How can you compare a conversation at a braai to a conversation on Twitter? How can you compare a conversation over the dinner table with a conversation on a Facebook discussion group? How can you compare an intimate conversation late at night with your lover to the same conversation using MXit?

It is my opinion that we’ve reached a stage in our evolution as the human species, in the 21st century, that we’ve become chronically dependant on technology. Children born after 1985 or 1990 cannot imagine a world without cellphones, 24 hour television or the Internet. What do I mean when I say chronic dependency? I simply mean that we do not even realise to what extent we rely on these technologies until they are taken away from us.

Think back to the last time your cellphone battery died. How did you feel? Think back to the last time your Internet connection was down for a few hours. How  did you feel? Think about the last time the electricity in your neighbourhood was down. How did you feel? Some of you may have felt anger, some may have felt disgust, or resentment. However, I would vouchsafe that the real feeling beneath the exterior aggression was one of helplessness.

Now when I posted this comment on my Twitter/Facebook status the first person stated that it is not wrong or right. Well I go on the record now by saying it wrong to believe that social media interaction is the same as social interaction without social media. They are not the same and they are certainly not equivalent. I came to this conclusion after speaking to at tens of thousands of people across South Africa for the last few years on the psychology of technology.

When you correlate the use of our 5 senses in communication with that of “communicating through the screen” you realise to what extent we’ve come to accept this substandard way of communicating as genuine. When you are texting or using MXit, you cannot see the other person, hear the other person, touch the other person, smell the other person, let alone taste the other person. So you are not using any of your 5 senses in the interaction. When you do not use your 5 senses you are making decisions based on an exceptionally limited amount of information.

Yes its my opinion after observing thousands of South Africans interact using MXit, Facebook, Internet Dating and other technologies and convincing themselves its the equivalent of social interaction or let me rather say, face to face interaction.

The facts remain that we are like zealots when justifying our chronic dependency on technology. Agree or disagree?

How The Recession Can Spice Up Relationships

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 2828/040404/2009200920092009 • 2 Comments • , , , , , ,

by Susan Adams, 04.21.09, 12:30 PM ET

The economic crisis has a huge upside: an opportunity to improve your relationship.

Layoffs, furloughs and shrinking 401(k)s may not seem like natural aphrodisiacs, but according to experts in relationships and sex, the depressed financial picture is leading some couples–and singles–to better appreciate each other.

“The recession brings with it a re-evaluation of what’s important in life,” says Manhattan psychoanalyst Amy Joelson.

It’s too early for empirical studies evaluating the effect of the recession on the sex lives of Americans, notes Chicago psychiatrist Paul Dobranksy, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall In Love. He says it takes years to compile a meaningful picture of how the downturn has changed the intimate lives of Americans. “See me in five years,” he says.

But anecdotal information exists. While many of Joelson’s patients, for example, have expressed anxiety about spending money on frivolous items, they still feel good about engaging in physical intimacy. “People wrestle with guilt about indulging in all kinds of pleasures, like going shopping or eating at expensive restaurants; that’s seen as politically incorrect,” she says. “But you don’t need a 401(k) to have sex.”

Physical intimacy is also a great way to relieve anxiety, tension and stress, points out Wayne, N.J., psychologist and dating coach Victoria Zdrok, author of Anatomy of Pleasure: The Head to Toe Guide to Better Sex. “People are turning to sex to boost their endorphin levels,” observes Zdrok. Tightening budgets means more time at home, says Zdrok. “That allows people more one-on-one time and more intimacy,” she says, “which leads to more sex.”

Because of all the bad news about plunging markets and escalating unemployment, says Zdrok, some couples may be turning off the television and turning to one another. “It’s been shown that people who watch more TV have less sex,” she notes. “In one Italian study, when television was removed from the bedroom, couples’ sex lives improved.”

Another upside of the down economy: With many Americans out of work or on furlough, people have more time to exercise.

“Exercise is one of the ways people deal with stress and anxiety,” notes New York City relationship counsellor Ian Kerner, author of Sex Recharge: A Rejuvenation Plan for Couples and Singles. “Exercise is also a great libido-booster and a great part of sexual health,” adds Kerner. “Exercise increases blood flow and predisposes you to sexual arousal.”

Layoffs and furloughs can also shake up the daily grind and introduce the concept of novelty, which can spur spontaneous sex. “Whenever you introduce novelty, it stimulates dopamine transmission in the brain,” notes Kerner. “I advise couples to use the recession to break out of routines.”

Experts agree that tough economic times can motivate couples, as well as singles, to turn to simple pleasures. For singles, that can mean greater use of dating Web sites followed by low-key in-person meetings that can lead to more intimate conversations and deeper relationships.

“To go out there and use the more traditional method of a night on the town–that’s too costly,” points out Manhattan psychotherapist and advice columnist Jonathan Alpert.

Couples, likewise, can forgo lavish vacations or dinners in upscale restaurants in favor of affordable pastimes that stimulate bonding, like cooking dinner at home, renting a movie, cuddling on the couch or taking a walk in the park and talking. “All of these activities,” says Alpert, “encourage an intimacy and a closeness that improves the quality of a couple’s sex life.”

Dobranksy agrees. “Anybody who loses a job is going to take a hit to his dignity,” he says. “That presents a couple with an opportunity to rediscover the non-material values in life, which are certainly the stuff of love and romance.”

Meantime, notes psychoanalyst Joelson, couples should stay focused on the value of an active sex life. “Sex is a great expression of intimacy in a relationship,” says Joelson. “It’s a really optimistic thing, to have sex; there is hope built into the belief that together, you can create something better.”

In Depth: Eight Ways The Recession Can Spice Up Relationships

source: Forbes magazine

Avoiding long distant relationships

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 0808/080808/2008200820082008 • 4 Comments • ,

You will always find people who have had success in a particular way of dating because there is such a vast number of variables at play. Long distance relationships is one of those activities that for the most part give people a false hope or a lack of control in the outcome, and in my opinion kills your self-esteem.

(more…)

Why you should never get back together with your ex-girlfriend after a break-up

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 0202/040404/2008200820082008 • 1 Comment • , ,

Received the following email the other day…

Hi Ramon, my girlfriend of 1 and half years recently broke up with me. We lived together and she decided that she wanted to move out because she didn’t feel the same way about me as she did before. I feel as though my life has ended. I really love this woman and would do anything to have her back. She has moved into her own place and seems very happy. It kills me just thinking that she is going to be with some other guy one of these days. Do you think it is possible to get this woman back?

My first response…

Yes, it’s possible. And NO its a bad idea. You have what they call one-itis in the seduction community. You have vested WAY too much on this one woman and you feel like you do not have any other options. Before I say more about this, tell me in what area of your life are you successful, growing, focussed, energised right now?

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Cellphones, Cheating and Couples

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 1010/030303/2008200820082008 • 1 Comment • , , , , ,

Recently a question the following question was posted on the Bruin-ou.com forum: Should we as individuals be concerned about those ringing and in many cases “vibrating” cellphones of our girlfriends/boyfriends which we never get to see?

Here’s my response…Besides being a part-time dating coach I speak across South Africa to parents, teachers and teenagers about the pro’s and con’s of MXit/Cellphones and Facebook/Social Networking websites.

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Michael Tsarion on Relationships

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 2323/111111/2007200720072007 • 2 Comments •

Michael TsarionWhat is a “Relationship?”

Is it: Dependency under another name? Insecurity under another name? Vampirism under another name? I’m empty and I need you. You’re empty and you need me!…(often called “Falling in Love“). Christians were told marriage was an alternative to damnation. Better to marry than burn! Fear paves the way.

Relationships! The bane of the Piscean Age, and on its way out. Are you ready?

Another question you may want to be asking yourself today and for the rest of your lives…

WHAT IS IT THAT OTHERS MAKE ME FEEL THAT I NEED FROM THEM?

We always know what it is that we need from others. We often know quickly what others want from us. But finding out what it is that others may subtly make us feel we require from them (and which eventually makes us dependent upon them) is not so obvious. Love is not part of a transaction. It is the most PRIVATE thing there is or can be, in the full sense of that word. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and don’t continue deluding yourself. Forget what the priests have said, and mummy and daddy, and all those without a clue who, in their egregious error, have made the world what it is today. You won’t get it from the girl or the boy, the man or the woman, or from Jesus, or Allah. So stop looking for it in where it is not to be found! Realize that this very looking and seeking arises because of its absence within. The deer smells the tree bark for the musk produced by its own glands. You could laugh at that paradox. There is a greater madness abroad:

Men looking for love from a stranger, for that which only his own heart and mind can produce. This is the secret of man’s delirium.

Republished from the Michael Tsarion Forum on Red Ice Creations.

Finding a life time partner by Dov Heller

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 1919/020202/2006200620062006 • No Comments • ,

I think this is absolutely amazing! For those that are looking out, take note! For those that are married, just a reminder why u married whom u married!

5 Golden Rules for Finding your Life Partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms.Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.” I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.  When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way:  If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time?  Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom
line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a munch?

A munch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?  A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.” So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give.  By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?  If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot you–who can’t do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others?  Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married.  As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage …for the worse!”
If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective…
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.  Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?  Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye.” Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn’t really that important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you’ve got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.  Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life” you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

  1. TRUST
  2. COMMUNICATION
  3. INTIMACY
  4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
  5. SHARING TASKS
  6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
  7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
  8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
  9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
  10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT if these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain WILL replace the passion.

Are They The Perfect Partner For Me?

by Ramon Thomas in Relationships on 2121/101010/2005200520052005 • No Comments • , ,

Dating Coach Katherin Key Questions to Ask Yourself Now! When Jen and Steve met, they were instantly attracted to each other. Those electrifying sparks started to fly. In an exciting whirlwind of activities and romantic dates, they swept each other off their feet. You know the feeling. That split-second of physical attraction followed by that thrilling feeling of chemistry. But when that “sweaty palm” stage is over and the romance veil starts to lift, did you really choose the perfect partner for you?

What if there was a surefire way to know if a person was right for you? If 3 key questions would save you time, energy and ultimately, heartbreak, would you be willing to ask yourself the questions? Of course you would. Dating can be fun, but if your ultimate goal is to find your life partner, there is no reason to spend time with people who aren’t right for you.

If you can honestly answer YES to the following three questions, the person you are dating is definitely a potential life partner. If not, they are most likely not a match.

#1. Do I respect this person so much that I want to be more like him/her?

Respect is crucial in any relationship, particularly in a life partnership or marriage. As a Dating Coach, I am frequently asked if I believe any two people can be successful in a relationship. My answer is yes, if there is mutual respect and they appreciate their differences. Notice I didn’t say it would be easy for all couples, just possible. Respect is key. However, shared values, emotional health and maturity, and good communication skills will ultimately make the success of a relationship easier than if these key elements (to name a few) are missing.

The litmus test for respect is determining if you want to emulate this person. What qualities do you respect in this person? Would you be happy if your child turns out like him/her?

#2. If his/her personality and habits stay exactly the same as they are today, will I be happy 20, 30, 40+ years from now?

Dena and Bob met at work. They were engaged to be married. Bob’s passion was baseball. He watched baseball on TV, he talked about baseball with friends and played on a league. Dena couldn’t stand the sport. Dena told me she couldn’t wait to be married so that Bob would stop “this baseball stuff”. She was going to lay down the law about no more baseball.

If you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. Don’t expect to change another person. You’ll be frustrated and he/she’ll be resentful. Can you accept this person exactly as they are, for the rest of your life?

#3. Do we share common goals and priorities?

Sure, chemistry and common interests are important. However, make sure you share the deeper level of connection that comes through sharing life goals. To avoid growing apart from your life partner, figure out what you’re living for while you’re single and then find someone who independently came to the same conclusion as you.

Two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose, respect each other, and accept each other are truly partners for life.

Source: Dating Coach Katherin

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