This is a summary from an excellent video by Richard Bandler, the co-creator of Neuro Lingustic Programming and Anne Teachworth, author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.

This is a video from a seminar in the 1980s and Richard Bandler is witty, charming while demonstrating profoundly simply ways to create deep connections with the opposite effect. I had not heard of Anne Teachworth before watching this video and since discovering her I’ve added her book, Why We Pick The Mates We Do, to my wishlist.

One of the core aspects of NLP is the frame (of mind) which in the case of patterns of flirting says it is unkind to let someone sit on the other side of the room without getting the opportunity of meeting you. There’s two steps to change: the inside and the outside. In fact its my core belief going forward that once you take care of the inside, the outside begins to take care of itself.

He who hesitates waits. Wait until the women is in a great mood and touch her on her arm, close to her elbow, squeeze slightly. This anchors those good feelings to you. Most of us inadvertently anchor bad feelings from girlfriends or wife because we touch them, in the hope of making them feel better, during an argument. Flirting is a chance to get to know someone without a commitment. All flirting is based on body asymmetry. Try to use angles for eye contact rather then direct eye contact.

The eyes is the starting point for flirting in the exterior sense because you will remember glances. When someone else is looking away, wait for them to look at you, and nod. Make sure you sit next to someone you want to get to know if you know you’re going to be in a long or whole day meeting, seminar or conference. How to take hesitation and turn it into wanton desire.

Let your eyes linger long enough for the woman to notice. Start with her eyes, work your way down till her toes, and slowly work your way up. Maybe even wet your lips at the end. Think of your eyes as a finger.

Bite the bottom lip, look down just a little bit, and up off to the side. Tilt your body at an angle. Sitting up straight does not allow you to move and create angles. For example facing forward and looking to the side, looking up and underneath.

Breath at the same rate. Listen to the tempo of the voice of the person you’re speaking to. Slow down and compliment something about them and be very specific. Comment on it, look at it and touch it. Do all this at the same time.

Every time a man kisses a woman’s hand, she never forgets. When you kiss, lift the hand up, use your other hand and lift her arm up.

Women should remember to ask for more, “Oh I love that, do that again.” Shift to using nicknames as quickly as possible. Touch them on the nose and say “hey princess” and anchors again.

Something I learned from Richard Bandler a while ago is that you learn the best when you’re having fun. So when you can create a fun flirting experience with someone from the opposite sex, you are training or teaching them, to respond with fun and flirtatious moves.

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I am by no means an expert public speaker but I am on my way to becoming one. Why do I say make this statement that sounds slightly arrogant? In fact it’s not arrogant at all it is me brimming with self-confidence because I know that I am learning and practising the basics. The fundamentals in any discipline ends up being the foundation in which your success is built on. So when it comes to public speaking and delivering presentations at conferences there are right ways of doing things and wrong ways of doing things.

The first is really being prepared. From my Toastmasters club I have learned this lesson over and over to the point where I have rather cancelled a speech than force myself to go ahead. No yes you can have courage to do something unprepared and with a little luck you may survive. The masters teach competence over courage. You will always have a slight edge to you if you are competent with a little fear than courages and ignorant about the reality of situations.

Anyway for the two days I sat through one of the worse conferences I have ever attended. I don’t really care so much about the fact that it was not well attended but more so for the fact that the speakers was really, really bad. And you have to remember that these were professionals, mostly men, with many years of business experience. And the sad fact is that most of them desperately need to be sent on presentation skills AND public speaking courses. Without naming names I will present some of the common mistakes made and some remedies for you to consider…

1. Reading off your presentation

You may as well stop right here. If you are going to read from your presentation you have already lost the audience. Why? They can read faster than you! You must know your subject so well that you only need a few keywords. And Guy Kawasaki describes the optimal font size as 30 pts in his 10/20/30 rule on Powerpoint presentations. The fact that speakers have to read off there presentation says two things: first you are not prepared and second you don’t know how to create effective slides

2. Really bad Powerpoint

This is also the name of a free ebook by Marketing legend Seth Godin. Some of the speakers had such a plethora of colours, animation and text going on it was virtually impossible to read these slides. Yes they end up looking very nice, very fancy but it serves absolutely no purpose. These slides probably take much longer to prepare as well. You must keep it short and simple. From an excellent website called Presentation Zen I recently discovered the Takahashi Method which uses ONLY REALLY BIG TEXT in his presentations.

3. So what factor?

I would blame this partially on the organisers and partially on the speakers. In marketing or communicating a message to an audience you have to tune into radio WIIFM as my friend Tony Roocroft always used to say. For those of you who don’t know WIIFM stands for “What’s In It For Me!” and this is one of the most important questions you must ask yourself, placing yourself in the shoes of the audience, before speaking. I really could care less about most of the presentations. There was no flow, nothing to connect them together.

4. Focus

Focussing on one topic, a central theme, is really important to convey your message. While many of the speakers were all over the show a few them had a really good focus. What happens with narrow focus is becomes much easier to captivate the audience’s attention. You are also able to spend more time with stories and therefore get your message across by way of analogy. Our brains are not programmed to absorb large amounts of raw date, like numbers and statistics in large amounts. In general you are better served by stories that create visual images or when speakers use word pictures.

5. Bad body language

Most of the speakers were either looking at their laptops or looking at the projector screen. Therefore they were not making any eye contact with the audience. And even though it was not a sell-out crowd there were people there who were hungry for attention. Again part of the blame must be assigned to the organisers who did not take the time to evaluate the presentations or speakers. Just because somebody is some kind of corporate executive it does not mean they are a good communicator.

In summary I am very fortunate to have been exposed to presentation skills while working at Deloitte in 1999. During a team building weekend in the Drakensberg my team won the best presentation and being the team leader who delivered the presentation brings back some awesome memories. This path that I have chosen of public speaking is part of my core genius or unique ability.

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On Tuesday evening I won the Best Preprepared Speech (2nd time) for my C&L 5 Body Language speech at my Toastmasters club. This was weird because I chose to speak about the basics of body language and the objective of the speech was to demonstrate body language.

Some of the basics that I covered were:

1. When you arrive at a new venue pause when you enter the room. Allow people to notice you. This is an extremely powerful statement especially in a bar or nightclub. You must pause for several seconds about 10 to really allow the room to become aware of you. When you do this you will experience society pressure in your subconscious. Ignore that breath and walk through the centre of the room. Whether you realise this or not you have just demonstrated using only body language to be a very confident man. Much more confident than most guys in bars and clubs. Most of the women will have noticed and be more open to speaking to you later on when you approach them. Some may even come up to you after you have positioned yourself somewhere visible.

2. When you are walking always push your shoulders back. So whenever you are out always remember to do this. You will automatically push your chest out. And this reminds me of that feeling of a gorilla clobbering it’s chest. It’s really something that gives you the best possible posture for walking and standing up. Your back will be straight and this is also healthy for your spine.

3. When you are sitting down try to take up as much space as possible. For women it’s acceptable to cross their legs but for men it’s not recommended. So when you are in a public place…say at a fancy lounge, chances are they will have sofa’s. Sit down in the middle of the sofa stretch out your arms over the back and spread your legs like you own the place. This sends a very loud and clear message of your alpha male status.

Lastly Tracey Cox is her many books on body language states the most common mistake people make in dating situations is trying to read the other person’s body language. You should instead focus on the body language signals you are sending. This is the one thing you have completely control over. So don’t forget this fundamental lesson. Focus on your own body language and your non-verbal communication will increase in impact.

Research has shown that 60% of communication is non-verbal. Another 33% is voice tone. And only seven percent, that’s 7% is the actual words we speak. And when you realise how superior women are to ready body language. As a guy this is a crucial area for all men to improve.

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