Dating Coach responds to critics in Sunday Times

This is a response I wrote to the Editor of the Metro section of the Sunday Times, in response to readers feedback published here.

Being a dating coach is a part-time interest and my primary occupation is online research. My online dating research project has been widely covered since 2004 in various media ranging from Business Day to True Love, television shows like Carte Blanche, 3Talk as well as the controversial show “SEX, etc” on M-NET last year, with sexologist, Dr Elna McIntosh, where I was interviewed on how the Internet is changing the sexual behaviour of people today. Therefore there is no doubt about my level of professionalism and credibility in this regard.

In general most guys wear lots of bland colours and this results in them all looking very similar. By creating contrast with bright colours a man stands out from the pack and thus uses what is called “peacocking” in evolutionary biology terms. Charles Darwin’s theories on sexual selection explains this phenomenon in great detail and more recently in Matt Ridley’s book, The Red Queen (see chapter 5: The Peacock’s Tale).

Women can buy their own drinks and are not going to bars or clubs for men to do so. Instead they seek stimulation conversations and when a man buys her a drink BEFORE getting to know her it can be considered supplication.

Again giving a woman a compliment before she has an opportunity to demonstrate what is compelling about her, puts the man in the same boat as all the other men who have given her a similar compliment. A woman will value a compliment about something unique or different from the generic, overused, “you’re beautiful” type of compliments that most men give women.

Lastly most men know they should be using condoms. And those who don’t are ignorant of the risks of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Based on my research the general difference between how men and women view sex is best described by this analogy: when a man sees an attractive woman he first thinks “what would sex be like with her”, while a women seeing an attractive man may think, “what would a relationship be like with him.” You only have to ask yourself why men, over the centuries continue to pay for sex with prostitutes. And you will realise they are in most cases not looking for a relationship with the prostitute, rather they want sexual gratification. So a man who wants to establish a sexual relationship with a woman can avoid falling into the “just friends” category by having a rule that says, if by the third date he has not had sex with her, he should move on because his chances of forming a sexual relationship with her diminishes drastically and she may in fact not be attracted to him for all good reason e.g. lack of confidence.

The aim is not to have sex with every woman you meet but to understand how to form a sexual relationship with a woman that you desire to have one with.

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Sunday Times readers respond to my feature in the Metro

As you may or may not know I was featured in the Sunday Times Metro section (Gauteng only) on 10 September 2008. This interview was done on the previous Thursday and there was a quick photo shoot in Rosebank, Johannesburg.

Well I just came back from a week in Port Elizabeth and Grahamstown where I attended a the first ever blogging conference at Rhodes University. During one of the speed speaking session there was a woman who had read the same article on her flight from Johannesburg, and she asked me how I could give this kind of advice.

This was the advice: If you are a guy and you have not had sex with a woman by the 3rd date, move on! The simple reasoning here is that most guys are not trying to find love, they just want to get laid. And if you have not had sex by 3rd date you are very likely to end up in the friends zone.

This is just one of many tenets from Leykis 101. Yes, I understand South Africa has a high HIV infection rate and I, likeTom Leykis, recommend you always, always wear a condom. Even you married guys, or guys in long term relationships. If you are having risky sexual encounters or anonymous sex with lots of women without any condom you are taking a huge health risk. So be prepared because next to a possible sexually transmitted disease you can also get the woman pregnant and you will have to deal with that consequence as well.