This is a summary from an excellent video by Richard Bandler, the co-creator of Neuro Lingustic Programming and Anne Teachworth, author of Why We Pick The Mates We Do.

This is a video from a seminar in the 1980s and Richard Bandler is witty, charming while demonstrating profoundly simply ways to create deep connections with the opposite effect. I had not heard of Anne Teachworth before watching this video and since discovering her I’ve added her book, Why We Pick The Mates We Do, to my wishlist.

One of the core aspects of NLP is the frame (of mind) which in the case of patterns of flirting says it is unkind to let someone sit on the other side of the room without getting the opportunity of meeting you. There’s two steps to change: the inside and the outside. In fact its my core belief going forward that once you take care of the inside, the outside begins to take care of itself.

He who hesitates waits. Wait until the women is in a great mood and touch her on her arm, close to her elbow, squeeze slightly. This anchors those good feelings to you. Most of us inadvertently anchor bad feelings from girlfriends or wife because we touch them, in the hope of making them feel better, during an argument. Flirting is a chance to get to know someone without a commitment. All flirting is based on body asymmetry. Try to use angles for eye contact rather then direct eye contact.

The eyes is the starting point for flirting in the exterior sense because you will remember glances. When someone else is looking away, wait for them to look at you, and nod. Make sure you sit next to someone you want to get to know if you know you’re going to be in a long or whole day meeting, seminar or conference. How to take hesitation and turn it into wanton desire.

Let your eyes linger long enough for the woman to notice. Start with her eyes, work your way down till her toes, and slowly work your way up. Maybe even wet your lips at the end. Think of your eyes as a finger.

Bite the bottom lip, look down just a little bit, and up off to the side. Tilt your body at an angle. Sitting up straight does not allow you to move and create angles. For example facing forward and looking to the side, looking up and underneath.

Breath at the same rate. Listen to the tempo of the voice of the person you’re speaking to. Slow down and compliment something about them and be very specific. Comment on it, look at it and touch it. Do all this at the same time.

Every time a man kisses a woman’s hand, she never forgets. When you kiss, lift the hand up, use your other hand and lift her arm up.

Women should remember to ask for more, “Oh I love that, do that again.” Shift to using nicknames as quickly as possible. Touch them on the nose and say “hey princess” and anchors again.

Something I learned from Richard Bandler a while ago is that you learn the best when you’re having fun. So when you can create a fun flirting experience with someone from the opposite sex, you are training or teaching them, to respond with fun and flirtatious moves.

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I received this question via my Facebook profile recently:

I thought I was over her… but thoughts of her come back to haunt me…and it seems it affects me when I try and get something new going with other women… and I’m there but I’m not there… you know what I mean?

What would be a sure fire hit of getting over the ex?

My response: You believe the lie most people do - that you are empty or incomplete without being in a relationship. There is no short answer to this question but here’s some immediate steps to take immediately after a break-up with your girlfriend:

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The last few days I’ve been in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa. Now I visit this wonderful city about once every two or three months and whenever I am here it feels like home - that is another story. I’d like to share with a lesson in charm school.

A few days before leaving Joburg I booked my car rental through Avis - the “we try harder company.” I got the best deal and was content. First thing I realised after checking in at the newly renamed OR Tambo International (Johannesburg International) airport is that I forgot my drivers license in my car. This was parked at the long term parking so there was no way I’m going to run out to the parking lot to retrieve it before taking off from Cape Town.

The little voice in my head told me “don’t worry you’re a damn charming fellow and whomever you speak to at Avis in Cape Town will help you out.” This is where I first programmed the belief into my own mind.

Now let’s skip to Cape Town airport and my arrival at the Avis desk. I am a “preferred member” but left my damn card also back at my place in Jozi. So with only slight hesitation I headed over to the Preferred Customer section (always a shorter queue and all for filling in a form to get a loyalty card.) I stood up straight and in my most authentically charming voice told the woman behind the counter I have a special situation , she must please try to help me out.

Read the above again - I basically issued an instruction, not a request. You see the human brain is the most programmable computer ever invented. And the great school system prepares you to become an automaton who listen to commands much more than questioning them - just look at how people around you behave. If you studies any NLP at all you’ll be smiling by now.

So as she looked at me I also looked deep into her eyes. I used a technique called “Sending” recently learned from Dr Paul Dobransky to send her good feelings. Next thing is I assumed rapport and treated her like an old friend. Smiling but not to much and always keeping very good body language - meaning confident body language. You loose more by poor body language and bad voice tone then any crap you may speak.

Anyway the end result here was that I used charm instead of flattery. I did not compliment this woman except in the end and it was sincere. Now most people in my situation would have tried to be overly nice - this is flattery. And most guys when meeting a new girl they find attractive dish out the compliments without the women doing one thing to deserve it. This woman from Avis deserved a compliment. And I may just send her some flowers before my next trip in June - this will secure continued excellent and preferential service. I like to see this as building goodwill for the future.

What’s your experience with charming people to help you out of problematic situations?

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