From Attraction to Romance and back again

David DeAngelo, an American dating coach has a famous saying online, ?Attraction isn’t a choice.? Those words in fact became the title of the 2nd ebook he published after the hugely successful Double Your Dating. Both of these books were the starting point for what has turned into my life purpose, improving my own dating life, and in turn helping others improve their dating and relationships.

Let’s starts by giving attraction a definition: the force that brings people together. Repulsion is what pushes people away. Thinking about magnets you realise how opposites attract and similarities push apart. However, in human relationships you’ll notice that in the short term opposites may indeed spark attraction but its people who have more similarities who are the ones who stay together over the longer term. Someone once told me friendships last longer than most marriages. That is a certain ring of truth to that even without any supporting evidence in the 21st century.

What makes one person more attractive over another person? This is a mystery because philosophers and poets have written about it for thousands of years. And recently many scientists have contributed to the parade. Dr Paul Dobransky defines Attractiveness or Power as positive emotional energy and mature boundary function. In physics power or energy is the amount of work that can be done in a particular length of time. The more potent you are is a core metaphor for masculine power. It’s this potency men advertise to women that creates attraction without using any words or deeds. A woman notices a man, and says to her friend, “I don’t know what it about him…” referring to her initial experience of the masculine energy.

Self-esteem or self-worth is directly linked to attraction. The more self-worth, the higher your self-esteem, the more attractive you are to people. Again from Dr Paul Dobransky, self-esteem is made up of confidence and well-being. Confidence is what you get from transforming your anxiety into courage. And as you look deeper into this you’ll realise removing uncertainty has the same effect. Well-being is more of a motherly energy. You have enough money, enough friends ? your needs is are met – enough peace, enough vacation. Mature adults need to learn to father themselves through courage and mother themselves through what’s called assertiveness. If you don’t have well-being you take anger you feel and you use it in the form of assertiveness. Assertiveness is defined as going out and getting what you need. Again the more assertive, the more attractive.

Don Juan Demarco

Don Juan Demarco Johnny Depp Marlon Brando seducer
In this movie Johnny Depp plays a young man believing himself to be the greatest lover in the world. It starts out with him being depressed because he lost the one great love of his life and is ready to commit suicide. But first must have one last romantic encounter with a woman in need.

Just this opening scene is worth your money in gold because Don Juan gives a perfect example of how to be charming, romantic and seduce a woman. He interrupts a red-headed woman waiting alone at a table, sits down and begins talking to her in a deep commanding voice. As she objects, I insist, ?I will not linger.? He proceeds to tell her how sensitive certain women are to the touch of a man. Moving up from the bottom of their legs, he proceeds to move from her fingertips to her knuckles, which he in turn associates with her knees. Eventually the fleshy part of a finger, is like the thighs and finally…he ends up kissing her between the fingers implying a kiss elsewhere on the female body.

Here’s a clip from the movie with the scene I’ve just described:

Don Juan Demarco, as a movie is a fantastic demonstration of how romance can lead to natural attraction. The problem is, it’s a movie, not real life, in the real world, sparking attraction can be reinforced or strengthened by romance, not the other way around. What I mean here is that without attraction there is a long road to misery that lies ahead. So focus on creating attraction first before you spill your feelings to the person you are attracted.


Hollywood Love isn’t True Romance

by Nomfundo Mbaba

Pretty Woman - Special Edition Julia Roberts Richard Gere

I have a small group of single friends and when we often get together we chat about our single lives in Sex-and-the-city style. Why are we single, why can’t we find a man, why, why, why. In one such discussion, one male friend says: “Maybe we want romance from the movies”

We all sat silently for a few seconds as waves of flashbacks of our most favourite romance movies filled our heards. Is that what many of us were searching for? A movie romance?

I remember my first experience with Pretty Woman, a Hollywood romance with a difference. My eyes filled with tears when an acrophobic “knight” Richard Gere (Edward Lewis) walks up the emergency staircase, branding an umbrella as a sword replacement on one hand and flowers on the other, to a patiently waiting Julia Roberts (Vivian ‘Viv’ Ward) or when Leonardo DiCaprio (Jack Dawson) gave his floating board (or was it a door?) to Kate Winslet (Rose DeWitt Bukater) in Titanic (My male and female friends cried during that one).

Even though those movies were released years apart, when I do see them again, I can’t help wanting to be a Hollywood whore and an English heiress at the same time. If Vivian and “Cinda-fucken-rella” could find love, there was hope for me and hope for all my single friends.

Perhaps there is hope, but in reality, romance is not as Oscar deserving as Hollywood would have us believe. The best place to put romance to the test is when a person proposes to their partner. For example, reality kicked in when three

female friends recently got engaged. The words: “Alan and I got engaged this weekend” from a woman are often followed by synchronised gasps of: “Oh my god”, as eager women (single and non-single) swarm around the announcer. This is shortly followed by: “How did he pop the question?” We all want to know, perhaps to compare it to our other girlfriends or even…yes, compare it to Hollywood. Silently wondering: Did Alan jump out of a plane, pull the parachute chord to reveal the words:” I luv U. Will U marry me?” Or did he rent one of those planes that have the same words dragging behind the plane.

In all three engagements it was a sweet and somewhat normal proposal. A romantic dinner or a romantic picnic. The ring box in the pocket. The words I love you, and then …*drumroll* – the question. You get to realise that the joy of romance should not be compared to the movies but be enjoyed and appreciated as it is in your life. And for all my friends who are waiting for the ultimate Hollywood romance to knock them off their feet, and take them away in a white horse, into the sunset…fogertaboutit (said in an Italian accent)!