By Pam Wolstenholme

Mention Internet dating in conversation, and you will get varied reactions. Visions of meeting desperate women who can’t seem to meet and keep a man are common. Questions of why people would choose to meet an assortment of dirty old men looking for sex or stalkers searching for their next victim are frequent.

But just like the old wives tales that masturbating will make you blind and carrots will make you able to see in the dark, the stigma attached to Internet dating is old fashioned, outdated and fast becoming a mindset of the past. Research conducted last year by NETucation and Ramon Thomas (the publisher of this site), confirms that people using Internet dating are not the social outcasts many people in South Africa believe them to be.

It is in fact quite the opposite. Some quarter of a million people have tried Internet dating and this number is growing fast. Internet dating has become a reputable way for meeting people with the purpose of developing a relationship - be it a friendship, companionship, love or marriage. Two types of people are using Internet dating. Those who are having fun and trying out new things (mainly the younger 18-24 age group) and those more serious about it and looking to get something out of the process (mainly the older 33-49 age group). Most of people who use Internet dating have tertiary qualifications in IT, finance or admin and are earning over R10 000 a month. It sounds promising. Certainly not the dodgy demographics traditionally associated with online daters.Increasing pressure and workloads on young professionals means less time for meeting partners. People simply do not have the time to go through the traditional courtship process of wining and dining.

Online daters have woken up to this reality and have found Internet dating a suitable alternative. Another reason Internet dating is becoming more popular is people are fast becoming disillusioned with the club and bar scene. Potential partners met in this environment are rarely who they seem to be the night before. Be it the beer-goggles from the night before, or pretence on their behalf, success rates are not good enough. On the other hand, 84% of people using online dating profess to be honest when filling out their profile. Add to these reasons the high divorce rates and you are left with a lot of single people! Single people who are now offered the opportunity of meeting multiple partners and able to choose between them based on concrete knowledge of how well they fit their needs. They have the added benefit of getting to know potential partners before choosing to meet them face-to-face. This gives Internet daters the power of choice - a much sort after quality in today’s world.Internet daters are not a group of socially dysfunctional individuals who hide behind a computer out of sheer desperation for human contact. No. They are young, wealthy and worldly professionals looking for an alternative to the smoky bars and long, drawn out dinners. They are sick of having no time to meet people. They are looking to get to know potential partners first. Trying to prevent hurtling head first into unsuccessful relationships. So the next time you find yourself in conversation about Internet dating and its downfalls, remember this: It is not a question of being desperate. It’s a quick way to meet new people, and the chance to look before you leap.

Popularity: 13% [?]

It should come as no surprise that the subject of this book is of course, love. More specifically, Alberoni deals with those all-too-brief and utterly captivating moments when one first falls in love. He attempts to unlock all the rather bizarre and, sometimes, completely diotic, forces that drive our behaviour in this frenzied state.

For those lucky enough to be experiencing the first signs of true love, I doubt that this book will do the sensations they experience any justice, simply because words are no match for the real thing. For the rest of us (sigh), there is some element of truth in Alberoni’s analytical minefield.

The book transcends any real field that one may attempt to box it into. Instead, it incorporates psychology, sociology, science, philosophy, religion and plain and simple opinion. Written in poetic (though sometimes dreary) language, it transports the reader through time and place and asks questions not regularly given the time of day.

Falling in love, according to the author, is a universal experience. To Alberoni, it is the meeting not just of souls, but of minds as well. The book is particularly optimistic (and I mean that as a compliment) in its observances about human potential and the possibilities, within us all, to experience love, should we allow ourselves the opportunity to do so.

The book applies its theory to adolescent and adult, to man and to woman and to homosexual and heterosexual alike. Falling in love, according to the author, happens as the result of a basic feeling of inadequacy, shame and dissatisfaction with one’s existence. This dissatisfaction is, then, what leads one to seek out love in a sincere fashion, unlike many who wish to find love but are not willing to surrender themselves to that fundamental need to improve their condition. So depression and low self-esteem are, indeed, good for something. How comforting. It is a feeling of insecurity, then, that Alberoni sees as a prerequisite to falling in love. He uses the example of teenagers and their desperate desire for acceptance as a means of illustrating how this desire is translated into the “ignition state” of falling in love. For most of us, adolescence brings with it the most turbulent (read nerve-wracking) and exciting moments in our lives. During this period, we find ourselves at our most insecure and, yet, we feel the first and most frequent flutters of love. To Alberoni, this is no coincidence.

The author extracts from history the nature and structure of group dynamics throughout the book. He likens the couple to the most basic form of a group. The influence of our partners may thus be the influence of us forming an identity as part of the couple, sacrificing (wilfully or not) our individuality and becoming one with the other member of this rudimentary grouping.

Alberoni maintains that this fusion is then countered by the desire within each of us for individuality and independence, resulting in conflict. Sound familiar? This conflict, though, is not necessarily a negative. Instead, it creates that essential and most human of emotions, passion. What would love be without passion? Essentially, then, where would one find passion if there was no conflict? I know, I never thought of it that way either.

So what does it mean to fall in love? What happens to us? Where does it take us and, more importantly, how do we get there? Alberoni’s book is more a study than a guide. Falling in love seems like the easy bit. What so many of us need is a book (or a trick of some sorts, perhaps a magic potion even) on how to find it. In this case, the answer, supposedly, lies in the human drive to better one’s existence, which sounds like a lot of hard work. In love then, as in life, there seem to be no shortcuts. Damn. “Falling in Love” is a unique and stimulating piece of literature. Alberoni, with his background in sociology, provides insight and, importantly, hope. He is alarmingly honest, ensuring that the audience understands the pitfalls of love and the potential for failure. Romantics, though, will not be disappointed either. I leave you with a little trinket of wisdom from the book, “Life is like riding in a canoe…We don’t make the waves and we can’t change them…We manage to stay afloat…until we finally arrive back at shore…happy to have made it back.”

Download free ebook Falling in Love by Francesco Alberoni

Popularity: 15% [?]

My friend Jenny Hirsch sent me this amazing poem once and it resonated with me so much based on my research into dating and attraction dynamics between men and women.

In love’s dances, in love’s dances
One retreats and one advances.
One grows warmer and one colder,
One more hesitant, one bolder.
One gives what the other needed
Once, or will need, now unheeded.
One is clenched, compact, ingrowing
While the other’s melting, flowing.
One is smiling and concealing
While the other’s asking, kneeling.
One is arguing or sleeping
While the other’s weeping, weeping.

And the question finds no answer
And the tune misleads the dancer
And the lost look finds no other
And the lost hand finds no brother
And the word is left unspoken
Till the theme and thread are broken.

When shall these divisions alter?
Echo’s answer seems to falter:
“Oh the unperplexed, unvexed time
Next time…one day…one day…next time!”

more poems by ASJ Tessimond

Popularity: 13% [?]

I took a walk tonight just to clear my head. Trying to write 10,000 words for an assignment is no mean task. Well it was around 8pm and the sky in Johannesburg was clear. I tried to identify Orion’s Belt as I have been doing in recent months whenever there is a clear sky. I thought to myself it’s so vast, the sky that is, but yet so simple. It has a calming effect on me. I wish I could become a star gazer and look it more often with a better understanding. Maybe I’ll do that Astronomy for Beginners course from Wits anyway.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Went to see the Westlife concert at The Dome in Northgate today. Wow! I never thought much of this boy band and considered them a fad for a while. But hey they’re really slick bunch and the music is very catchy. They put on a great show but sad to say it was a bit short for the money paid. Total show must have been less then 1.5 hours and lets just forget Heinz Winkler opened for them. Who is he again?

Popularity: 12% [?]

by Camilla Lloyd

Apparently, I am too late. Everyone has already discovered the coveted secret as to why men don’t understand what women want. “We’re just wired differently,” some friends confided in me, before glibly repeating a list of horrifying stereotypes.

Men are logical, ambitious, independent and unemotional. Women are emotional, irrational, illogical, blah blah blah…

The verdict: men and women are hopelessly incompatible.

Yet, people get married every day, some stay married, and, I have to hope, some even stay happily married.

The verdict: almost hopelessly incompatible. According to the stereotypes, men and women are complete opposites. Yet, studies in gender psychology show that where there are distinct differences in the thought processes of men and women, these differences are in fact only marginal. Men are not naturally better at Maths, nor are women necessarily better able to express their emotions.

The findings of the research consistently report discrepancies between gender roles in different countries, and an increase in gender differences as children reach puberty. The problem isn’t merely that men do not understand what women want, the problem is that they are taught by society not to understand.

The stereotypes I have already listed confirm that there are certain expectations as to how men and women behave. People learn these behaviours, and tend to exaggerate them during social interactions. So not only are men and women different, but we exaggerate our differences. It seems neither gender wants to be understood.

The verdict: hopelessly, frustratingly incompatible.

In the last century or two, relations between men and women have only gotten more confusing. Feminism encourages women to be more ambitious and independent, and to revel in their differences from men. As women become more masculine (and, one would think, more compatible) they become less attractive to men. Being feminine, and thus emotional and illogical, is ideal.

So men don’t understand what women want? Women don’t understand what men want!

The verdict: neither men nor women understand what the other gender wants, so perfectly compatible.

But, what do women want? The short answer is women themselves don’t really know. The long answer is everything and nothing. Women are raised to define themselves by their relationships. So if everyone is happy, women are happy; but if a woman is not happy, no-one is happy. At the risk of perpetuating some damaging stereotypes, women are walking contradictions. Hence, the reputation of irrationality. Women want stability with excitement, security without confinement.

More importantly, women want everything on their own terms. a). Women are never wrong. b). Women are never at fault. c). Men are always to blame.

Now, women know that sometimes they are wrong, that sometimes they are at fault, and that sometimes they are (partly) to blame.

If men want to try and understand women, don’t. Just humour us, and pretend you understand us. We’ll appreciate the gesture. The verdict improves significantly if you do.

Popularity: 14% [?]

DatingBuzz has been around since 1997 as its previous incarnation Matchmaker (www.matchmaker.co.za NOT matchmaker.com). Not to be confused with the international Matchmaker.com website which is owned by Lycos, the DatingBuzz brand was launched in 2002. The main website is www.datingbuzz.com but a brilliant marketing strategy has allowed DatingBuzz to rebrand its website and create partnership opportunities major media companies in South Africa like Sunday Times, Mail & Guardian and 5FM. So anyone registering with these and over 70 other websites is pooled into one big database therefore giving everyone a lot more choice. At last count they had over 130,000 registered users. The website rated 70% in the Webagility analysis performed in July 2004.

Before you even register with the website you can browse the Gallery with all the pictures of newly registered members or members that have updated their pictures in their profiles. A cheat that I use to get more “hits” on my profile is to change my primary photo to get into the Gallery. I also do this on Sundays so I can get into the Gallery on Mondays and therefore get maximum exposure. You can also access the full profile of anyone from the Gallery but full access to photos is limited to registered members. As with most online dating websites registration is FREE.

Registration is a two step process with a confirmation sent to your email with an activation code. Once you’ve confirmed your registration from the email you must complete your profile. Once the initial registration with activation is complete DatingBuzz sends you a very nice introductory email which explains the basic next steps with useful tips on how to get the most out the website. The “About Me” and “My Ideal Match” sections are both compulsory. These are the most important items used in the matchmaking technology. The colours used (red) allows for quick navigation to answer the most important questions. You are allowed to upload a maximum of five photos that must be less then 600KB which is allows you to post really high quality photos.

Before you start searching for that ideal match, the front page shows you very useful information to help keep track of your progress and popularity. This can be a bit of a vanity trip but don’t get stuck on it. You get “quick stats” on number of “favourites”, “fans” and the amount of messages “sent” and “received” through the website. You also get a popup banner when you have a new message waiting for you; and when you click on it you’re taken directly to this message. Additional stats in the amount of times your profile was viewed is also presented on the front page once you’ve logged in.

Now that you’re ready to search you can find people by the following criteria:

• name: If you know the name of the user you can search directly for them
• favourites: You can search the list of your favourite profiles
• fans: You can search the list of fans (people who added you to their favourites list)
• matches: Using the matchmaking technology you can find matches based on your criteria
• search: Search the database based on any criteria you specify
• keyword: Using a specific keyword e.g. “Mariah Carey” you can find people who like her music
• gallery: Browse through the new photos of profiles in the database
• popular profiles: Based on amount of people who added these profiles to their favourites list today’s birthdays:
• new profiles: A list of the latest profiles, mostly with no photos approved yet
• recently modified profiles
• currently logged in members

Overall DatingBuzz creates a superior experience to those who want to get the most out of online dating. The subscriptions range from R79.95 for one month to R479.95 for 12 months (works out to R40 per month). There is a variety of payment options credit card, electronic funds transfer (via Internet banking), EasyPay, direct deposit and Cheque or Postal Order. An added bonus is a great Affiliate program which pays a 10% commission on subscribers referred to DatingBuzz. Once you’ve experienced how easy it is to use this system to meet great people you can make a few bucks from referring your friends.

Popularity: 17% [?]

NEW YORK, March 31, 2005 - Remember the first time you heard about people meeting online? Maybe you thought “that’s weird” or “wow, times must be really tough.” But today, online dating is socially acceptable and totally mainstream.

Watch the video clip from CBS News

As a matter of fact, 26 million people visit dating sites each month. It’s predicted that consumers will spend over $500 million on online dating services this year.

So in day two of the “Looking for Love” series, The Early Show turns to AOL’s Consumer Adviser Regina Lewis for tips on finding love online.

Lewis says that for many singles, heading online is actually the preferred method of hooking up with potential dates because it offers them more control over their dating lives.

“First, they don’t feel like, ‘Woe is me, I guess it’ll happen when it happens,’” Lewis explains. “Second, they have more control over the screening process. You hold the cards. If you think you’re getting along well with someone, great. If you’re not, you move on. At the risk of sounding businesslike, it can be a lot more productive. That has inherent appeal for a lot of people with busy lives.”

But how many are actually finding love?

Lewis says about half of the people who date online claim to be “serious daters” who are hoping to find a long-term relationship or even a spouse. The other half, are “casual daters,” who simply want to meet more people and have a good time.

While there’s no unbiased, official data detailing relationships forged online, Match.com, the largest dating site, claims that about 200,000 users a year find the relationship they are looking for. Eharmony, another big player in the dating game, reports that so far 4,000 couples have married after meeting on their site.

Here are the newest trends in online dating:

Lewis says perhaps most surprising is the growing number of people over 55 who are giving online dating a try. That’s right, older Americans are the fastest-growing group looking for love on the Internet. Industry analysts say that about 18 percent of those dating online now are over 55.

The other big trend is the growing number of “niche” dating sites. We’re all familiar with the big names - Match.com, Eharmony, Love @AOL - but there are now sites for single Democrats and Republicans, single Jews and Muslims, single bike riders, single pet lovers. You name it, there’s probably a site for it.

With so many sites out there, Lewis offers the following tips on how to get started:

Check Out a Mainstream Site - Larger sites are well-established and have a larger pool of members which ups your chance for meeting a mate. Match.com has the most members. Eharmony is billed as catering to “serious daters” because it has a very comprehensive questionnaire designed to get a good feel for potential users.

Screen Posted Profiles - If you’re not sure which large site to choose, most sites will give you a “trial period” and allow you to screen profiles of other online daters. Compare the profiles and see which site has more of the kinds of people you’d most like to meet. You want to go where you think you’ll feel most comfortable.

Join a Niche Site - Once you’re comfortable with the online dating world, go ahead and join a site that’s tailored to your specific interests and personality. Most serious daters wind up joining a couple of sites - a large, mainstream dating service and a smaller, tailored one. Chances are you’ll find the most success this way.

Note: It will cost you to join most online dating services. Prices run anywhere from $10 to $50 a month. Generally, the longer you participate in the site, the less you’ll pay.

Of course, to really find a successful relationship online there are some “dos” and “don’ts” to follow. Here are Lewis’ suggestions:

DO Use a Great Photo - While you don’t have to be a model, pictures really, really matter. Personals with photos are 10 times more likely to be considered. Use something current, and don’t have anyone else in the shot with you. If you’re truly serious about finding love online, it may even be worthwhile to consider a photo shoot.

DO Be Specific - In your profile, don’t say, “Like sports.” Instead, say: “Enjoy fly fishing and skiing.” This does more than make you stand out. On most sites, users can do searches based on key words. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to come up at the top of search results driven by relevancy.

DO Adjust Your Profile - Face it, your profile is like a marketing campaign. Take a look at what’s working for you and what’s not. Shop the competition, see what attracts you, and steal some tricks of the trade. You should always be changing and updating your online profile.

Believe it or not, you can even hire a specialist to help you hone your profile. There are plenty of businesses out there designed to make your profile shine. They charge anywhere from $30 to $300.

DON’T Seem Desperate - Recognize that seeming over-eager, i.e. E-mailing several times a day or instant messaging on the hour, will make it appear that you’re ready to pick out wedding china and may scare off someone who’s not ready to take the plunge. Don’t lose out on a good thing by making this mistake.

DON’T Lie - If you truly want to find your soul mate online, lying will catch up with you sooner or later. Of course, you need to be aware that other people may be lying to you. Look for clues. Are they from Michigan, but pictured surfing? Are they a senior executive at 28? Sometimes the more clues you have, the more it doesn’t add up.

DON’T Move Too Fast - Relationships that start online tend to move quickly, but moving too quickly can be bad news. The usual sequence is to exchange online communication anonymously, then talk by phone, then agree to meet in a public place - an important safety tip.

Sites like eHarmony have even more sub-stages in place to help guard against fastracking the relationship. If someone is worth the wait, they’ll be there at the end of the sequence. You don’t want to set yourself up, believing that “THIS is your dream guy or girl” too early in the process, only to find they’ve elected to not write you back.

Finally, here are Lewis’ words of advice for those who are frustrated with the online dating process:

“The people I talk to who seem happiest with the process view it all as upside,” she says, “They’re happy to go on three or four dates a week (and that’s not an unusual run rate for people who put a lot of focus into this and have flexible schedules), even if many of them turn out to be not-so hot. They look at it as at least I’m getting out there. Others do get burnt by the process and often make comments like, ‘If I go on one more bad date, I am going to scream, and this is taking up tons of time and getting me nowhere.’” Then again, when you remind them, sitting at home also gets them nowhere, they tend to come around and concede, ‘I guess you’re right.’”

Popularity: 12% [?]