Mark Pilgrim is one of the most recognizable radio and television personalities in South Africa. His first love has always been radio, and for the past 10 years listeners have enjoyed his warm (and somewhat wry) sense of humour.RT: What is your current relationship status….and why?
MP: I am seeing someone new. I have just come out of a long term relationship and met someone else I was attracted to. P.S, contrary to tabloid gossip, I have never been married.

RT: What are the things you find attractive in a woman and why?
MP: A smile. A sense of confidence. Independence. A girl-next-door look. Must be slim.

RT: How do you as a man get what you want in a relationship?
MP: It’s either someone your partner has or doesn’t. Don’t try and change someone into the way you like them to be.

RT:What kind of things that women do, turn you off?
MP: If you mean what do woman do to turn me off… the answer is easy… get moody too often. My emotions run stable and I like calmness in my life.

RT:Do you believe in opposites attract and why?
I do, but generally believe in my life these are more physical relationships and don’t last too long. Not that anything is wrong with that. Why should every relationship be with the intention of lasting forever?

RT:Do you believe in love at first sight and why?
MP:No. I believe in lust at first sight. It takes a while to get to know what someone is REALLY like.

RT:What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve used on a woman and did it work?
MP:In all honesty I have never used a “pick-up line”. I have simply gone up to someone and say “Hi” (my profession helps a little!).

RT:Have you ever messed up on the first date and did she want to see you again?
MP:I haven’t “messed up”, but have had dates where we realise we don’t actually get on. I usually cut them short. Rule of thumb: if you haven’t really been in a social setting with them before, don’t commit to a dinner. Go for “early evening drinks”. If you get on, it can progress to dinner. If she’s awful, bail out early!

RT:How do women react when you’re alone vs. when you’re in a group setting?
MP:Girls aren’t as shy or submissive anymore. Regardless of where I am, if they want to come up and say hi, they generally do! I like that.

RT:How has the feminist revolution affected life for men in the 21st century?
I believe in female emancipation. We are equals. I will always open a car door for a woman, but I like her to be independent and stand up for herself (just please keep shaving under the arms!).

RT:What kind of relationship issues do you and your guy friends discuss?
MP:Come on…guys don’t discuss “relationship issues”. We are too shallow…we just talk about ass.

RT:Do you have any suggestions you can share with our male readers about what a man can do be more attractive and confident to women like you?
MP: Believe in yourself. Confidence is very attractive. I have a mate who is not good looking at all, but he is so confident (yet, not cocky). He makes them laugh. Also, try and dress with some style, even if it is in jeans. First impressions DO count. RT jeans projects a sloppy image. Get a pair of Diesels. Yes, they are more expensive, but you’ll look a lot better in them. And DON’T wear any shirt with retail branding on (e.g “ I cycled the Pick n Pay Argus”, or “SPCA volunteer”).

RT:Do you have any suggestions you can share with our readers on how guys should approach a woman?
Don’t use a silly pick-up line. Just go over and introduce yourself. Approach with the confidence that should she bat you off, you wouldn’t be fazed because it’s her loss. Also, be warned: if a gorgeous girl approaches you at a bar…she probably just wants a free drink!

RT:Do you have any suggestions or preferences for the ideal date?
If you haven’t really socialised with her before, meet her for early evening drinks. That way you both have an escape option and don’t feel pressured.

RT:What do you think of Speed Dating and would you try it?
MP: Heard about it. I personally wouldn’t do it because most people want to be with me for the wrong reasons. For someone not in the public eye, sure. You just never know where or when you going to meet someone that will blow you away.

RT:Finally what do you think of Online Dating and would you try it?
Never tried it, but have a mate who swears by it. He goes on numerous dates with some really gorgeous girls… and has fun!

More about Mark Pilgrim

After obtaining his B.com and working in market research for 10 years, he decided to follow his heart and joined 5FM back in 1995. After 8 years they parted ways and he now freelances for Johannesburg’s 94.7 Highveld Stereo, hosting the Hot 30 Chartshow on Saturdays.

He is as comfortable in front of the cameras as he is behind the microphone, with a string of TV shows to his credit, including: New Moves, Retail Therapy, Face 2 Face as well as South Africa’s first reality television series Big Brother. In another South African television first, his new controversial show called “Sex Etc” comes to MNET in May 2005!

Visit the Mark Pilgrim website for more information.

Popularity: 17% [?]

NEW YORK - A fast-growing online dating service in Texas says it is offering its users something none of its big competitors can match: a safer date.

True.com, which was founded in Dallas last year, says it now has 3 million active members who agree to have criminal background checks done on themselves and their potential dates.

But Herb Vest, 60, the founder and chief executive of True.com, said that he isn’t satisfied with business success alone. He is lobbying state legislators to change the law so that online dating services must inform their clients whether or not they run background checks.

“We believe it’s our mission to end the divorce rate in the U.S., so we have to provide a wholesome environment,” said Vest, whose lobbying has led to proposed bills in Ohio, Michigan, Virginia, Florida and California.

If the legislation goes through, “you would see companies that offer online dating services would quickly start running background checks,” said Ohio state Rep. W. Scott Oelslager, a supporter of the bill. None of the six states has passed the legislation yet.

But critics say that True.com is preying on unsubstantiated fears that online dating is less safe than regular dating, presenting background checks as a panacea even though they are a flawed measure of criminal activity, demonizing the former prisoner population and working to legislate its business model to gain an edge over its competition.

Match.com, a division of the Internet giant InterActiveCorp, which has 18 million online dating members, surveyed its clients and found that 80 percent did not favor the legislation. “We’re not in the business of legislating love,” said Kristin S. Kelly, a senior director of public relations at Match.com.

Criminal background checks “might give someone a false sense of security,” said Gregg McCrary, a retired FBI profiler. “Only the FBI and other law enforcement have access to federal records,” McCrary said. “States don’t provide complete data.”

“I can’t imagine anyone in this day and age would go online assuming any level of safety, because it just doesn’t exist,” said Laura Daniels, an executive recruiter based in Forth Worth, Texas, who regularly runs background checks on her clients for employment purposes. “From my own professional experience, background checks aren’t accurate unless you go back 10 years and to different states, and still you can’t gather complete information.”

But proponents of the legislation say they are not looking for a guarantee of safety.

“The background checks won’t be 100 percent effective, but if they’re 50 percent effective, then that’s better than nothing,” said Jayne Hitchcock, the president of Working to Halt Online Abuse, a nonprofit group that monitors online harassment. WHOA said it works to empower victims and educate online users and law-enforcement personnel.

“This year so far we’ve received half a dozen complaints of harassment from people who met through an online dating service,” Hitchcock said. The highest number of complaints came from people who met through an online bidding service, in which the seller or buyer filed a harassment complaint, Hitchcock said.

According to statistics posted on WHOA’s Web site, more than half of self-reported complaints of harassment began either through an e-mail correspondence or from an Internet message board. “We don’t have it broken down by online dating,” Hitchcock said.

Others argue for some kind of regulation, particularly with regard to sex offenders. “Sexual predators will use any means possible to obtain victims,” said McCrary, the retired FBI profiler.

“More than 90 percent of sex offenders we monitor are getting in these online dating services,” said Grace Davis, the lead trainer at IPPC, an Internet and computer-monitoring system used by probation, parole and pretrial services.

IPPC monitored computer usage of sex offenders who were under a court order. Davis declined to give the total number of sex offenders monitored through IPPC.

Meanwhile, defenders of an unregulated online dating scene say this is much ado about nothing.

“I would say there are more safety issues when you meet people in bars,” said Daniels, who has been a member of Match.com for two years. “Or if I go to a mixer or a church singles group. I just have no expectation that any one group has a safer background than another.”

What’s more, advocates of ex-convicts’ rights say that the proposed legislation surrounding background checks is discriminatory.

“I think that’s another form of discrimination,” said Jason Bell, 33, who served 91/2 years in prison for an attempted murder conviction when he was 20.

Bell now works at Project Rebound, a program at San Francisco State University that helps former convicts attend college.

Bell has gone through the program and expects to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in sociology this spring.

“Unfortunately, it’s absolutely true” that the legislation “is discriminatory against criminals,” said Vest of True.com, whose father was killed during a crime. “But if that hurts their feelings, it doesn’t bother me a bit.”

Critics also pointed to a glitch. If the law were passed in one state and not another, how would that affect daters? “We have to work out these mechanics,” Oelslager said.

Some online startups - such as trustadate.com and safedate.com - are providing customers with the option of running a criminal background check on a potential date for a small fee.

“You can request someone to become a safe dater,” said Jeff Collins, 43, the chief executive of Safe Date and Integrated Screening Partners in Austin, Texas, which has provided background checks for employers for 11 years. “‘I’d like to meet you but I’m a single mom, so would you go through the process.”‘

Some regular users, though, don’t like the attention at all - particularly from the government. “Online dating is just a goofy way to meet people,” said Daniels, the Match.com user. “And the legislature has no business in my dating life.”

source: Columbia News Service/Journal Now

Popularity: 13% [?]

RT: My first question is what is your relationship status?
JD: I’m single

RT: And why is that? You are a gorgeous, really vibrant woman.
JD: Yes, but I am still young and I think that my focus for now is my career, and settling myself. I want to be strong for myself, before I can offer someone else anything.

RT: What do you find attractive in a man? And why?
JD: hmmm just a very strong character and personality. For instance drugs, promiscuity, stuff like one night stands and casual sex, is a huge turn off for me.

RT: But how are you going to know what their plans are?
JD: I’ll ask first, I am very upfront! Just somebody that you can connect with, I don’t think you can choose who you want to be with, it just happens, I think the minute I do have a relationship with someone it has got to be that instant chemical reaction, where you just know - okay I can click with this person!

RT: How do you as a woman, get what you want from a man?
JD: I don’t believe in playing games because then you are setting yourself up for disaster, you have got to be completely honest if you are in to someone. How do I get what I want? I’m just honest, and I am, what I am. I don’t play any games! I tell someone what I have to offer at this point in time… so if they can handle it, stick around baby!

RT: What are things that men do, that turns you off?
JD:Physically I like tall well groomed men. So, fat little shorties or someone who doesn’t show pride in themselves is so out of the question - a huge turnoff. When they try to impress me or to buy me it’s the worst thing. Especially in Cape Town, you will get some old dodgy dude who drives a Ferrari and he will think that he can just sweep you off your feet, that is the biggest turn off at the moment. Another turn off is when a guy speaks badly of women, even his ex-girlfriend. And of course when a guy is with me and he checks out other chicks, I cannot handle that.

RT: But surely you can’t blame him in a public place?
JD: But then his focus is not on me, which means: why should I be giving you this much attention if you can’t offer me the same respect. It is all a respect issue!

RT: Do you believe that opposites attract and why?
JD: Yes! I believe opposites attract (and not because of the Paula Abdul song…), but I just believe when you are looking for a partner you are attracted to the things that that other people have, that maybe you don’t have. So if I maybe don’t have patients, I will be turned on by someone who has patience and that inner calm. I really do think you go for people who have aspects that you don’t have in your own personality, another example I can give is, if you are a struggling musician you will obviously be attracted to someone who has got a little more status, maybe a little bit more drive and of course a bit more of a career going for him/her.

RT: Do you believe in love at first sight?
JD:Yes. Absolutely!!! That instant chemical attraction, that is obviously the physical attraction that is helping the love along, but think about it, it is so difficult to meet someone that you connect with on every level. So I think that when you do, and you know it, I think yes it can develop into love and I think strong emotions can stem from that….

RT: Have you experienced love at first sight?
JD: Yes my first love! That was most definitely love at first sight and it lasted for 3 and a half years, we were totally in love!

RT: Do guys treat you differently when you’re alone vs. when you’re with your girlfriends?
JD: Yes they definitely do. I think men try and impress you more when you are with a group of people, I think it must be quite intimidating for a man to approach a woman when she is with a group of people.

RT: So you are better off when you are in a group of people?
JD: No! I think you get to see a sincerer part of that person when you are alone, well being in the nature of work that I am in, I think men are very intimidated initially, and I think they feel that they need to come across in a certain way to almost compete. South Africa is still quite a conservative country, and I think people still see woman as the woman in the kitchen, bare-foot and pregnant and not really being the bread winner! And I can understand where men are coming from if their girlfriends earn more than them, I think that is a huge set back for a man, and I can imagine him to get quite scared, you are affecting his ego and pride.

RT: Are you concerned by that?
JD: No I don’t care, that’s not what it is about. We live in a society where yes those things are important, but personally no! I wouldn’t want to be the someone who wants to be the house-wife, or have the house-husband. I wouldn’t want to support someone but it is not about how much money he has, but I think about being with someone who has a dream and who has a mission, and has a passion towards what he is doing. But then he can earn 10 million rand or 10 rand a month, it makes no difference as long as he has that inner drive.

RT: What do you and your girlfriends discuss about relationships?
JD: My closest girlfriend is also a very successful career woman, so at the moment our only topic of conversation is about how men are so scared off by us…

RT: Do you think the feminist revolution has changed things?
JD: I can’t handle feminism! I think feminists ruined it for real ladies!!! I don’t want to be on the same level as a man, I don’t want to sink that low. But I believe in Chivalry, as much as I want to be successful in my career, I do want to get married one day and I do want to have children, and I don’t want to work when I have those children. So I do want to stay at home as long as they are babies, and then when they go off, I can do my own thing again. But really feminists just ruined it! Because now men are more worried - do I open the door for this woman or will she turn around and scream at me? We are not allowing a man to be chivalrist, you are not allowing him to be a gentleman which is what he actually should be. People have turned our world into something that’s easier to be slugged than it is to make a good effort, good values, good morals or good old fashioned ideas, and if people had to put those into practice, I think they would be a lot happier in their relationships. We wouldn’t have as many divorces as we do now, we wouldn’t have such a high AIDS rate because people wouldn’t need to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry to feel full.

RT: On the marriage aspect of it, how do you see it, can one still maintain an interesting fun, loving relationship once married? Or is it really the be-all and end- all of love?
JD: I think people put too much emphasis on the marriage, I mean what is the difference whether you live with your boyfriend or if you are married to him? Nothing! It is a contract you have with the government basically, or with the church, or however you got married. It’s just a piece of paper really, and the same ideas and spark that was there in the beginning should still be there. If you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, it doesn’t mean okay well now that I am married I can stop having sex with him! It just means you have got to build on what you originally started off with. Otherwise what is the point, then you are only with someone until you find better.

RT: Do you have any suggestions for women on how to be sexy, interesting, and beautiful and to get what they want from a relationship?
JD: You know what, a woman can be the ugliest frump in the whole world, but if she has confidence, and she thinks that this fat ass of hers is so sexy she is going to come across as being sexy - it’s all in the attitude!!! You can also get the hottest girl in the world, and she can be the most insecure and miserable thing but she can be gorgeous! She is however not going to be considered sexy because she is biting her nails; she is not coming across with a good attitude or a good karma.

RT: What do you think of the things that woman do wrong when it comes to relationships?
JD: With my experience most recently, woman must never try and think how men think, (on the same token, men must never try and get into the mind of a woman) because what happens in that instance is women get very scared and intimidated! Instead of just treating the person that they are on a date with as a friend, they are just putting too much pressure on, and thinking oh my goodness what now… and basically, what girls end up doing is they sleep with guys too quickly! They also start hounding them with sms’s; they fall in love way too quickly, instead of just letting it grow naturally. They think okay I am only going to get this guy, or he is only going to stay with me if I sleep with him. And yet the opposite happens, a guy is going to get totally turned off, because yes a man will try and sleep with you on the first date, he doesn’t necessarily want you to reciprocate, and chances are if you don’t sleep with him on the first date he will phone you in the morning, and want to see you again. If you do give in, then things are going to get awkward!

RT: What suggestions do you have for guys, in terms of approaching women?
JD: I think guys should start respecting women a lot more, I mean I am generalising - your average guy is out in the club looking for a hot girlfriend, it’s not going to happen! And it comes down to not only lack of respect for women, but also comes down to lack of self respect!

RT: What is your idea of a perfect date?
JD: Honestly, I think there is also too much emphasis placed on that that can almost make someone so nervous, that you are not going to enjoy yourself.

RT: Okay let me rephrase that, what are fun things to do on a date?
JD: Well summer in Cape Town is the most romantic place and town in the world, because you can simply go and get yourself a take-away pizza, nice bottle of wine, two gorgeous little wine glasses and go to the beach, and watch the sunset - it’s absolutely picturesque and everything is there! The mood, the scenery and the aesthetic surroundings. Definitely would be my favourite thing to do on a date. Otherwise something that is totally unexpected, I think the element of surprise is always keen on a date. So if you could totally do something to a girl that she is not expecting and totally sweep her off her feet, she is going to fall in love!! The element of surprise is just priceless and a beautiful memory!

Jeannie D has left Goodhope FM and now works on Top Billing full time.

Access her profile on Top Billing here.

Popularity: 17% [?]

It’s one of those Saturday nights where I’m feeling in between the shadows and the soul as Neruda once said. My final research report is due next week so I can complete my Post Graduate Diploma in Information Management from the University of Johannesburg (old RAU). So I have to dig in an resist the tempation of going out or watching movies or hooking up with a friend. The week ahead is hectic with the biggest event on the South Africna ICT calender, Futurex taking place as usual in the Sandton Convention Centre. This year LinuxWorld and Novell Brainshare runs alongside it. Make sure you don’t miss these great events in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Humans are remarkably similar to animals. Despite the faculty of speech, most human communication occurs through body language. And now speed dating, like animal courtship, allows you the chance to choose a partner based on a short period of strutting and posing. Your date is not going to jump into your lap and pull ticks out of your hair, so you need to learn how send and receive the subtleties of body language.

Your date likes you if:
-he smiles at you. A ‘true’ smile is one which changes rapidly from a small movement to a broad expression, and crinkles the corners of the eyes.
-his pupils dilate.
-his eyebrows rise and fall as soon as he sees you.
-he maintains eye contact. But, if, at some point in the conversation, he drops his gaze to look downwards, it means he feels comfortable with you.
-he mirrors your body language. We subconsciously imitate people we like, even to the point of speaking like them.
-his legs are pointed in your direction.

If you like your date, then:
-smile.
-don’t fidget or cross your arms. This will tell him that you feel uncomfortable in his presence.
-during the course of the conversation, lean forward. But respect his personal space. To lean forward too early into the date is threatening. If he leans forward too, you know the feeling is mutual, but if he sits back, retreat!
-don’t touch him. In a relationship of only 3 minutes, touching is uncalled for.
-look at him while he is speaking, but don’t stare. Lean your head to one side you show you are interested.
-mirror his behaviour, but not to the point that you look as though you are making fun of him.
-flick your hair, gently and sparingly.

There are unfortunately shady characters out there. So beware if:
-he won’t make eye contact with you. It’s widely believed that to look left while speaking indicates the person is lying.
-he fidgets and crosses his arms. He is obviously uncomfortable around you. It may just be the case that he is shy, but do you really want to spend valuable time trying to get through to the ‘inner him’?
-he leans too far into your personal space or tries to touch you.
-his gestures are wide and aggressive. Pointing, raising his voice and sudden movements are all aggressive.
-if his body tells you one thing, but his speech tells you another. Body language is generally taken to be more revealing, because it is largely unconscious.

But bear in mind that when a dog wags his tail, it means he’s happy. When a cat wags his tail, beware. Every person is different. Don’t base your diagnosis on one signal, but rather on a few supporting ones. And trust your instincts. It’s a cliché, but a true one.

Download my Speed Dating ebook here.

Popularity: 28% [?]

by Linda Kunene

What if you had a secret? A secret so big that, when revealed, it would make your girlfriend/boyfriend pull away from you in fear of contamination. This would be a hurtful experience. However, this is what faces many HIV positive people.

To help HIV positive people find an ideal partner who shares or accepts their positive status, Ben Sassman launched The Positive Connection in September 2002, a website dedicated to online dating for HIV positive people. Hence, there is no longer the need for HIV positive people to fear the reactions of their partner when they tell them about their status.

If you have already heard about The Positive Connection, it might be that you followed its link from Q Online at www.gal.co.za, or from www.gaysouthafrica.org.za. Or perhaps you saw Sassman being interviewed on SABC2’s Morning Live and Talk Radio 702. But if you have not, until now, seen or heard of this wonderful website, read on to get the low down. A free membership is available on the online daring website, whilst R150 will get you a Gold Membership. You can even add a photo to your personal profile.

The Positive Connection has a holistic concern in its users. It provides users with access to experts if they require information regarding HIV-related health issues, thereby taking care of their physical wellbeing, not only their love lives. Sassman helps HIV sufferers also by donating 10% of the website’s profits to charity. Sassman, therefore, has created a website with a concern for being socially responsible. This is uncharacteristic for an online dating website.

What also makes The Positive Connection rise above the rest is the fact it is the only online dating website catering to HIV positive people in South Africa. This makes it, irreplaceable, a gem amongst the homogeneity of many dating websites currently available.

Anonymity is one of the features that make the internet so attractive to its users. In order to ensure this, users of The Positive Connection website have been promised by Sassman that databases containing their personal details will never be sold. This spares users the bombardment of advertising, which will undoubtedly appeal to many. However, caution should be taken, as nothing is ever entirely safe from the hackers and code-crackers of the internet, who view hacking into your ‘C-drive’ as a sport.

Speaking of sport, one could think of serial dating as a new kind of sport. It takes practice, experience and staying power if you want to succeed. Sassman’s website makes this activity a whole lot easier. He states, “Finding the right person is expensive. Two to three women out of 100 are what it comes down to from online dating”. This means that you are spared the excruciating pain and agony of sitting through dinners with people who are so ill suited to your personality. Instead of having to kiss hundreds of toads, hoping for a miracle, online and speed dating, present you with a handful of carefully selected dates that are guaranteed to be compatible.

Sassman’s website provides a ‘one-stop shop’ service for HIV positive people who are looking for love. The website eliminates the potential problems that come with revealing your status. In addition, one receives a wealth of information on HIV/AIDS. Using The Positive Connection is a truly positive, enjoyable experience! It is easy, therefore, to see why approximately 1 022 users regularly visit the site. Care to make it 1 023?

Popularity: 20% [?]