This is a very old myth. There are incredibly successful, intelligent people who are online dating as a means of meeting their life partner. Check out the top 10 misconceptions people make in online dating. Listen in while Dr. Wright interviews Coach Katherine to discuss the top 10 myths in online dating.Dr. Wright

This is Dr. Letitia Wright for idcdating.com where we are creating multicultural relationships every day. Today, my guest is Coach Katherine. And we are going to be talking about the top 10 online dating myths.
But first I want to tell you about Coach Katherine. She devoted her life to the pursuit of love and romance. Not just for herself but for the millions of single people who want love in their lives. Katherine coaches singles worldwide and teaches them seminars and workshops to help people empower themselves. And empower themselves to find love and happiness. Coach Katherine assists you to live the life you love with the love of your life.

Welcome.

Coach Katherine:

Thank you. It is great to be here.

 

Dr. Wright

We are talking about the top 10 online dating myths. And Coach Katherine has some really great information to share with us. So I just want to dig right in. What is our number 1 online dating myth?

Coach Katherine:

Number 1 is I do not need help dating people. Well, my guess is people are not lined up at your door waiting to date, right? So we need all the available tool, person, support group that we can to find people so that we can find that perfect match. And using the tool of online dating is a perfect way to be able to search your millions of singles and find that one perfect match.

 

Dr. Wright

So really they should look at online dating as a tool not as an indictment on their personality.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. Exactly. And it does not mean that you stop looking for people around you but ask your friends. Let people know that you are looking for love. Get online. Do not be shy about it if that is what you want in your life. Use this wonderful tool of online dating to find that one special person for you.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 2.

Coach Katherine:

Number 2. The Internet is not safe.

 

Dr. Wright

That is a big one.

Coach Katherine:

That is a big one. And it is interesting because who is on the Internet is a slice of the population. So they are pretty much saying the world is not safe. Well, maybe that is the way they look at it. But you got to be smart, you got to use common sense and be safe online. But you know what? It is interesting because online you can sort through, you can email, you can even talk on the phone. And people never know your personal information.
When you decide that it is a good match or someone you want to date, then and only then do you give out that information. So it is actually safer than being in a club and having some guy follow you. On my dating sites have got layers and layers of software into the tools to make sure that you are safe when you are talking to people online.

Dr. Wright And we just probably need to use common sense just like the precautions we would use on a new person we meet in person. We did the same thing online.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. That common sense is about finding inconsistencies in what they are saying or hesitancy. Check it out. But the bottom line is do not give out your personal information until you are ready to do that and so it is actually safer online than it is not.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 3.

Coach Katherine:

Number 3. Online dating is for losers. This is a very old myth. And years and years ago, we started with the personal ads in newspapers. And then when the online dating took on, now there are just incredible quality, successful, intelligent people who are online because they are too busy. They have fabulous lives but they never want someone in their life and so they are using online dating as a way of finding a fabulous person for them.

 

Dr. Wright

And all through history busy people have used some other tool to help them find a mate. And this maybe in the year 2006 online is a great tool for busy people.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. Exactly. There is a lot of professional, intelligent people out there.

 

Dr. Wright

Great. Okay. Number 4.

Coach Katherine:

Number 4. I meet people all the time. Yes. That is great. But think of how many millions of people you can actually meet online very quickly, very easily. It is a terrific tool. You can filter through. You can figure out what it is that you want. And how close in terms of location they are to you. And you can then email those people.

 

Dr. Wright

And you can be as specific as you want when you are doing that online dating.

Coach Katherine:

Yes. And a lot of these dating online dating sites are getting extremely specific in terms of how you can pick those people that have those characteristics that you are looking for.

 

Dr. Wright

Because I know in idcdating.com we specialize in multicultural relationships. Those people who are open to meeting people around the world this is the place for them but every - - and this is for everybody probably.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. Yes.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Let us go on to number 5.

Coach Katherine:

Number 5. I am not desperate. Well, neither are the people that are online. They are busy. They are wanting a larger pool to choose from. You might have a great person that is only 10 miles away from, from where you work. But you will never meet them necessarily if you are just out and about. But if they are online it is very easy to find them. And (inaudible) get it for the busy people who are looking for a larger pool to date from and to find their mate from.

 

Dr. Wright

And maybe you just do not want to date from those small pool that you are in all the time. So how do you meet other people? You have got to do something to get out there.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. Exactly. You have to get out there. And one way to do that is by getting online.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 6.

Coach Katherine:

Number 6. I am too old to date online. This myth is absolutely blown away in this last couple of years. The largest growth in demographics is to the over 40 group. There are more and more people that are getting online that are in their 40s and 50s. Bottom line is you are never too old to find love. And many people even seniors are out there finding love online. It is a great venue for that.

 

Dr. Wright

Are you finding that people over 40 are much more clear about what they want?

Coach Katherine:

Yes. It is a couple of reasons. Number 1, it is because they had enough life experiences so they are beginning to get very clear. Number 2, I think a lot of people over 40 are just done with the games and realizing that is not getting them what they need. They now know what they want and they are going for it. And online is a great place for them to do that.

 

Dr. Wright

And they have been very successful with it.

Coach Katherine:

They are. Right. Those that are saying I am on my quest to find love and I am going to use this tool. They are very successful.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 8. I am sorry. Number 7. Number 7.

Coach Katherine:

Number 7. I would not meet anyone online who shares my interest. This one just cracks me up because I teach a lot of online dating classes. And I teach one that is up close and personal where people can actually go and sit down at the computer and I have a photographer there. And when they leave they are online dating.
And one gal was dragged there by her neighbor and I could see she really did not want to be there. And I said, Well, why don’t you just start by browsing while we are setting up for the photographer.” And so she is out there browsing and she is getting very specific on her filters and all of a sudden she just jumps up and she says, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This looks perfect. How do I get started?” He is within 5 miles of her house, had every single thing that she was looking for and he was just dreamy. Then she could not wait to get online and get started so she could email him.

Dr. Wright Wow. She was just ready to go. She - - just for 5 minutes of being on there just fooling around (inaudible).

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. And you know what? That is really a good way to get started. You do not have to create your profile first. Get out there and do some searching. And trust me that will get you excited about getting online, signing up and quickly getting a profile there so that you can email these people. Because it is just very easy to find someone with those interests and those characteristics that you are looking for.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 8.

Coach Katherine:

Number 8. I will only meet liars. Well, some people do exaggerate in their profiles. And that is a shame because - - trust me they will get busted if you meet them in person, right? If they put up a picture of maybe 6 years old or even their neighbor’s picture which I hear that on occasion. But the bottom line is you need to be smart and have common sense about anybody that you are talking to whether you are in person or at the grocery store or at work or if you are online. And you got to think about that law of attraction as well. If you are stuck on only meeting liars then maybe that is something that you need to look at for yourself. Maybe you have issues around trust. Maybe this is something that you want to look at for yourself first.

 

Dr. Wright

Now, is this something that you help people with in terms of getting themselves prepared to really have a relationship and look into those issues?

Coach Katherine:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because if people come to me and on a scale of 1 to 10 they consider themselves as 5 but they are looking to date a 10, my response is I can get you a date with a 5 but you want to get a 10? There is going to be some work here. And so we will recommend that they stop and they do their work so that they can become the best they are and then they will attract someone of a higher quality. And they will feel better about that because they will be a better person themselves. We use that law of attraction. If you do not like the people that you are hanging out with, guess what? That is how you are. You need to increase who you are first. And then go back out there and see who you attract.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Number 9.

Coach Katherine:

Number 9. I am not ready for a relationship. The great thing about online dating is that you can be very clear. If you are just looking for an activity partner, you are looking to date; you are looking for long term; you are looking for marriage. Be clear. Be upfront about it. There are a lot of people who are just looking for activity partners.

 

Dr. Wright

And I think people do not think about that for online dating that you can find somebody who is into bowling and into doing things with you.

Coach Katherine:

Exactly. The bottom line is you need to take the time to get to know someone anyway. So if you are really in a big hurry to get married you need to think about well, how do I create that friendship first and then - - but people can put right on their profiles what they are looking for. And if you are not looking to get married be sure you are very specific and just say I am looking to date. And if you just got out of a long-term relationship I suggest you do a little dating and the best place to do that is online. And then work into a long-term relationship if that is what you are wanting.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. And number 10.

Coach Katherine:

Number 10. Online dating costs too much. This one is a huge mess because if you - - how much money people spend on coffee in a month? That is way more than what it costs in a month to be online. Online dating is one of the most inexpensive ways to meet the most amount of people in a very short time. It is very inexpensive. And if you sign up for a matchmaker it is a hundred times more expensive than online dating. The only time online dating gets expensive is if you sign up and you pay and then you never use it.

 

Dr. Wright

Yes. Are people really signing up and then not using the benefits of their online service?

Coach Katherine:

Some people do. They get nervous or they put it off. They think they have to get their profile on there first instead of getting excited about just doing searches. And 6 months later they have not even used the tool. Well, then it is expensive. Anything that you do not use is expensive, right? So I recommend you get in there do some browsing first and then get your profile going and then sign up. Because then you are going to be excited. You have already seen he is out there. You want to meet someone. And that is going to get you motivated to get online.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. I wanted to touch on something, go back a little bit. Because you talked about the classes you give and how you did their photo ready and you help them with their profile. Let us talk about photos because a lot of times I see photos that are just, guys have just used their webcam and instead of that sleepy, morning bad lighting photo.

Coach Katherine:

It makes the whole face look elongated. Doesn’t it?

 

Dr. Wright

Yes. Yes.

Coach Katherine:

Do not do that. Right. Get a professional photographer to take your picture. Because your picture is your 2-second first impression online. People are only browsing pictures usually in the slide show format. And a lot of singles will spend so much time working on that profile and yet no one is going to see it if your picture is not something that draws them in.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay.

Coach Katherine:

So let me give you some tips on pictures, Okay? First of all, it is only you in the picture. You do not get to bring your dogs, your kids, your bathtub.

 

Dr. Wright

Your 3 cats.

Coach Katherine:

Your 3 cats. Right. And you do not get to bring your hat or your sunglasses. Right? That is hiding behind something. So it is just the headshot so that you can show up and people can really see who you are. And then you want to make sure you are looking straight into the camera with both eyes. Because now what happens is you create that Mona Lisa eye where no matter where that person is looking on the screen you are looking at them. And what do we do when people are looking at us?

 

Dr. Wright

We look back.

Coach Katherine:

We look back. Right. So you will constantly be in their radar screen and “Oh, look at this person.” So first thing, look in the camera. Have a nice smile. Not over the top where you are just busting out laughing because then it looks like there is something going on and the people are feeling left out.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. No Cheshire cat smile.

Coach Katherine:

No. No. Tone it down just a bit, right? And then lean forward. Because when you lean forward, that is the body language that says I am very interested in getting to know you. I am focused on you. People like that and they get that feeling. And then tilt your head just a bit.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. So either to the left or - -

Coach Katherine:

It does not matter. Just tilt. That brings up all of those warm, fuzzy feelings. Because when we were little babies and we were being nursed, bottle-fed and you looked up at mom’s head, it was tilted to us.

 

Dr. Wright

Wow. I never knew that. Okay.

Coach Katherine:

Yes. Yes. And so it is kind of that subconscious way of pulling out some feelings that you want people to have when they look at your photo. You look way more approachable, kind, and it brings out things that they do not even know is going on with them in that moment. And then here is the thing. If it is a woman make sure you have your hands up touching yourself in the picture. If you are a guy do not do this. Okay?

 

Dr. Wright

Okay.

Coach Katherine:

Guys do not touch yourself. The woman needs to be touching her chin or just the lower side of her face or her neck or somewhere on - - in that headshot that makes her appear touchable and approachable.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay.

Coach Katherine:

Do not have the hand higher up on the face where it looks like you are scrutinizing them. Okay. Draw it down a little bit maybe resting on the chin or touching your neck. That is what guys love because they imagine - - imagining themselves touching you and you look touchable and approachable.

 

Dr. Wright

Wow. That is a great fit.

Coach Katherine:

Yes. And it works. Cause guys do not even know what hits them when they look at that, right?

 

Dr. Wright

And when you help people really compose their picture correctly, do you see like a really tremendous increase on responses?

Coach Katherine:

Absolutely. First of all you have to have a picture. That is going to increase your - - amount of people looking at you by - - what is it? 14, 18 times. And then if the picture is professionally done but does not look overly made up absolutely it is going to increase. And it is going to be who you are coming through. And so what you want to do is make sure that a person of the opposite sex, if that is who you are looking for, looks at your picture and gives you an honest opinion of it. Do not let your girlfriends look at it because they are going to “Oh, you look so cute.” Well, that is not what you are looking for. You want to attract the opposite sex. You want to attract a different pool. Okay. So have those people evaluate.
And make sure that you are wearing the color of your eyes. That should - - if you have some blue eyes, hazel eyes or green eyes. That will make your eyes really (inaudible)- - where they can really focus on your eyes. If you have really darker eyes then wear your blush tone. Wear rust or (inaudible), or a magenta, those colors so that you look really healthy and really approachable.

Dr. Wright Okay. That is wonderful. That was some really great tips. And believe me, I can tell people do not know that.

Coach Katherine:

Yes. You can see them and “What are they thinking?” “Yes. Thank you.” Then I just had a fellow. I was looking in his profile with him and he had this very casual photo that I could tell was professionally done but it was just phenomenal. And what he had done was he put - - he is sitting on it, on the couch with his leg crossed over and his arm was on the back of the couch. It looked extremely inviting for a woman to just come right into that photo and sit down next to him.

 

Dr. Wright

Wow.

Coach Katherine:

Very well done.

 

Dr. Wright

Very well done. Okay. And good lighting and all that good stuff to go with all the other tips.

Coach Katherine:

Absolutely. Good lighting. No shadows on your face.

 

Dr. Wright

Okay. Okay. Thank you so much. Coach Katherine is at www.makinglovework4u.com. It is making love work, the number 4 and the letter U.com. And so if you need a profile make over or you need to work out some issues, she is there for you, is that right?

Coach Katherine:

Absolutely. Call me.

 

Dr. Wright

Thank you so much. Thank you guys. This is Dr. Letitia Wright for idcdating.com. Creating multicultural relationships every day. Remember ignoring one’s conscious is neither safe nor right. And I will talk to you next time.

• Listen to an audio version of this interview on the website source

Popularity: 12% [?]

Tuesday is most often my movie night and I watched <a xhref=”https://www.sterkinekor.co.za/SKWebsite/Movies/Detail.aspx?movieid=1464&moviename=HUSTLEANDFLOW” mce_href=”https://www.sterkinekor.co.za/SKWebsite/Movies/Detail.aspx?movieid=1464&moviename=HUSTLEANDFLOW” >Hustle & Flow</a>, starring Terrence Howard. No he’s a pretty smooth character and as a pimp controls the lives of a few women in the film. His real passion which he surpressed for years was to get his rap heard by someone. Well he struggles to get things together but they do. And one telling scene for me was just before he goes out to meet the big rapper from his home town who’s visiting one of his girls, who’s pregnant with someone else’s baby gives him a gold necklace. She says all rappers she’s ever seen on tv have them so its apt that he should have his own.</p> <p>I almost cried because she showed real compassion for him and it took him a few minutes before he realised she loved him deeply and she had been supporting him all along emotionally. He kissed her so passionately and they were destined to be together. Now he ends up in prison for a bit and one of the things that keeps him going is the memory of that kiss, which as <a xhref=”http://www.alberoni.it/eng/innamoramentoeamore.asp?menu=0″ mce_href=”http://www.alberoni.it/eng/innamoramentoeamore.asp?menu=0″ >Fransesco Alberoni calls it the nascent state, or the ignition state of “Falling in Love.”</a></p> <p><a xhref=”http://www.hustleandflow.com/” mce_href=”http://www.hustleandflow.com/” >Also checkout the official Hustle & Flow website.</a></p>

Popularity: 10% [?]

So I’ve been on a short break and I went to the windy city Port Elizabeth on Easter Saturday. I was hoping to cash in on the influx of people during the Easter Weekend and when I arrived the weather was kak. No anyone who’s ever been to Port Elizabeth know its a small city by comparison to Johanneburg or Cape Town and not to much happens. The people are easy going and in most cases you can get around pretty quickly as things are closer in distance. The social life and the nightlife has become an unknown for me.

The only redeeming experience was spending a few hours on the campus of the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. As far as I could understand this is the old University of Port Elizabeth campus. And boy oh boy did I realise once again that university campuses must the best place to meet young energetic women. I had a grand tour from my friend Greig Timkoe from Peacemakers Conflict Management who’s also a Ph.D student at the university. Greig is sitting on a gold mine of oppertunities and I can’t wait to start my Masters later this year at the University of Johannesburg so I can have regular access to the campus. So yes I had a dry spell because I didn’t meet any new women that I’m doing to date or have sex with but there is a sign there that I can and should find more time to spend at university campuses in Gauteng. The women at these institutions tend to be intelligent, full of energy and goal oriented and flexible because they are always up for a challange. Women and men in general who do not continue their studies after high school lack a certain will power or rather determinination. And then you have Bill Gates who dropped out from university. The whole idea for me is that it helps to get rid of people who would be disqualified on many other criteria when seeking a potential partner who has wants to get more life and is willing to do something about it and not expect handouts.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Last weekend I had a lot of fun in a motorcycle safety training course, and it reminded me of some of the stuff that I had discussed here before. Learning how to ride a motorcycle, like the acquisition of any skill, is both fun and challenging. What you have to remember is that the same thing that makes it fun — namely, stimulation, creation and establishment of new neural pathways — is exactly what makes it challenging. You’re doing something new, so your whole brain is lighting up. That’s the fun part. And, at the same time, because it’s new, it’s a challenge — you’ve never done this before. So don’t you be complaining about the fact that it’s tough, because that’s not a bug — it’s a feature. Most of the time in life, fun = challenging.

It’s also a pushing out of your comfort zone. Remember that everything that you want is outside of your comfort zone. Because if it were inside your comfort zone, chances are that you already have the thing in question (or it’s so trivial as to not even be desirable to you). So, if you want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, you have to do things you’re not accustomed to. Like learning the controls, doing tight turns, counterbalancing and shifting with your feet. Now this all may seem obvious to you, but again: it’s the obvious that we most often tend to overlook. That’s why I make a point of repeating the obvious. But one thing happened to me that made me realize something that wasn’t so obvious.

One of the skills you have to master to pass the motorcycle safety test is the U-turn test. Basically, there’s a box, and you’re supposed to make two U-turns in opposite directions in the box without putting your foot down or crossing the lines. Pretty straightforward.

We got a few chances to practice this test. We’d go in, slow down, do a figure-8 inside the box, and then return to the back of the line to do it again.

As it turns out, this was a challenging exercise for me. Almost every time, I had to put my foot down, or I didn’t get the speed right and I would venture outside of the box. This was definitely a skill that required some work.

But this is the funny part: by the third or fourth time I did this exercise, I noticed something. In order to get back in line to do the exercise again, I had to double back and make a very sharp turn. And every time I made this turn, I did it with speed and grace. And did not put my foot down even once. Never even occurred to me that it was a problem.

And it was basically the exact same manoeuvre that we had to do in the box. Strange business.

So what was going on here?

Let’s go back to the Tranxu quote from the last post:

“When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.”

That, my friend, was exactly what was happening. Once I was inside the box, I felt as if I was being tested and observed. I *cared. And that’s why I would botch it. Whereas, when I was just getting back to the end of the line, I was just doing my thing, steering the bike the way I already knew how. The way my unconscious knew how.

So let me give you a new definition of ‘caring’: caring about your results equals getting in your own way. Pure and simple.

Because often what happens when you care is that you start to override your unconscious mind with your conscious faculty.

Is this a bad thing? Well, let me ask you this: If I were to ask you right now to get up and walk, but to do the whole thing by consciously picking every muscle you had to contract and relax,would that make you a better walker or worse?

You’d probably stumble and fall into a big uncoordinated heap within two steps. You have no *idea* how you walk, buddy. Deal with it.

There’s the physiological reason why you’re better off using your unconscious mind. And here’s the metaphysical one: nothing forestalls your results faster than lusting after results.

When you ‘care’, like it or not, you are lusting after results. Stop that.

I brought up the story of my motorcycle lesson because this kind of thing manifests itself in incredibly insidious ways.

Consciously or not, we spend a huge amount of our lives trying to gain approval. We’ve gotten so used to this that sometimes we forget why we care about this approval in the first place.

Now, I could go into all the subtle ways in which you kiss up to your boss, try to make your friends think you’re cool or make a show of being a good citizen. But this newsletter is about dating, so let me focus on that.

Chances are very good that if you are male and reading this newsletter that you have spent your entire life trying to get the approval of women. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty.

It all starts with the greatest woman of them all: mom. She brought you into this world, she taught you everything you know. And from day one, your survival depended on her approval.

Luckily, she already liked you from the start, but that didn’t stop you from trying every little trick in the book to endear yourself to mom. Admit it: even as a grown-up today, you could probably make a list of two dozen things you do (or don’t do) to keep mom happy.

Then you grew up a little, and started noticing the cute little girls running around. And you wanted them to like you. And the model you had for making that happen was “get her approval” — just like you did with mom.

If this is all old hat to you and you’ve already broken out of this model, congratulations. You are a far more developed, aware human being than most of the people on this planet.

But chances are that you, like me, have vestiges of this behavior still operating. So what I want you to do is this: actually make a list of all the things you do in your dealings with women, ranging from the smallest scale stuff to the big stuff. Do you wear cologne? What kind? Where do you live? What kind of car do you drive? What do you wear when you go out?

Now in a column next to that, I want you to be perfectly honest with yourself as to *why* you do that thing you do. You have only two answers to pick from: you do it because it makes you happy and enriches your life; OR you do it because it just might make girls like you better.

So the two possibilities to the answer ‘Why?’ are ‘Because of me’ and ‘Because of others (especially girls).’

Now you have the list. And a useful exercise is to just go through it systematically and, one by one, expunge all those behaviours that are there to get approval from girls. Because every bit of time and energy that you spend on getting approval from others (girls or otherwise) is time and energy you can’t spend on making you happy and enriching your life — what I call FULFILMENT.

Funny thing is that every week I get letters from guys saying that their most successful outings are when they’re all grungy, unshaven, in a total “I don’t give a damn” mode and they just show up somewhere to watch a game or chill out. And, lo and behold, some dream woman materializes and won’t leave our man alone.

Does this sound familiar to you at all?

So the practical lesson is this: replace the approval-seeking mindset with the “let’s just see what happens and have fun with it” mindset. Instead of lusting after results, you are watching the fabulous, miraculous experiment called Life unfolding around you.

Now, am I saying that you should deliberately ignore your hygiene and dress poorly, because that’s how you’re going to be successful with women? Nice try, but that’s just another (somewhat smellier) way of getting approval.

What matters here is *intention*. Why are you doing what you are doing? You could do anything and no matter how ridiculous it is, as long as it comes from a wellspring of deep self-acceptance, then it’s empowering you. It adds energy TO you. If it’s just another bait for the world to like you back, it’s taking energy AWAY from you.

I went through a lot of stuff in this letter, so let’s summarize the key points:

1) Any new journey of learning will be both fun and tough. There’s a lot of new information and potentially foreign ways of looking at the world and dealing with it in The Tao of Dating . I don’t expect you to learn it all instantly. Take it easy on yourself, avoid judging yourself, and enjoy the process.

2) The whole purpose of The Tao of Dating is to get out of your own way so you can get to the success and fulfilment you’re already programmed to achieve. Have faith in the workings of the universe. Learn to practice surrender. As Lao Tzu says in Chapter 48 of the Tao Te Ching, “In pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” And if the surrender thing is not working, it means you’re not surrendering nearly enough.

3) As a practical manifestation of the previous point, do the exercise of writing down your approval-seeking behaviours and resolve to get rid of one of them per week. Write the behaviour in question down, stick it on your cell phone or wallet, and become aware of its presence in your life. Then either replace it with something more useful and fulfilling or reframe it such that it’s not about approval-seeking.

Example: if you’re one of the people who wears those ridiculous strategically-ripped designer jeans (the 1980s ended once, and they will again) because you think people might think you look cool in them, either chuck them and wear non-perforated pants, or only wear them on hot days because they provide better ventilation. Be a trend-SETTER, not a fad follower.

4) Raise your standards. One way of getting rid of the ‘caring’ phenomenon is to raise your standards such that they are so much higher than those of anyone who could be observing you that you couldn’t possibly be worried about what they think. Your goal is to lead a fulfilling life according to YOUR standards, not those of anyone else.

5) Work on the non-doing. As an extension of Exercise 3, resolve to systematically rid yourself of artifice. Tricks and techniques are cute and can get you short-term results, but they are real impediments to long-term fulfilment (those who know what I’m talking about, give me a holler). They’re like training wheels — they help you get by, but very soon will get in your way.

And, the live Tao of Dating seminar is finally coming — June 2-4 in Los Angeles! We’ll have a series of review teleseminars leading up to it, so look out for them — you can sign up at www.thetaoofdating.com.

Popularity: 8% [?]

Online Dating Tip O’ The Morning from Evan Katz, author of I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book .
“If he’s interested in me, he’ll write to me.”Or so the perception goes for millions of women.

Let me tell you the reality.

Men start their pursuit of online love with an arbitrary search (such as 40-50, as if 39 was too young or 51 was too old). The women whom they find physically attractive get bookmarked on their favourites list. For the sake of this example, let’s say that there are thirty women on a man’s favourites list (although it’s often more, for young demographics in densely populated cities).

Now, who is he going to contact first? If he’s an average man, he’ll write to the hottest woman with whom he thinks he has a chance. Generally this means sending off twenty emails or winks to these women in a matter of minutes. Of course, none of them will write him back because their inboxes are full and his email was impersonal.

The guys then get a bit of a reality check. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still going to write to women, who are, on average, more attractive than they are. But this time, they’re going to actually read what the women wrote in their profiles. This is why a great profile serves two purposes: 1) it gives the guy his opening line and 2) it attracts the kind of guys who care about more than looks. Anyway, let’s say our fictional man whips out five semi-personal emails in a half-hour. And, to his surprise, one of the women writes back.

This is wonderful news, but it’s not wonderful enough to stop him from browsing more women online. Over the next few days, while corresponding with this one woman, he adds ten new women to his favorites list. And so it continues. He writes to hot women, gets ignored, and then writes to more obtainable women, with mixed results.

What this means is that there are women on his favorites list that he never emails - even though he thinks that they’re attractive. It’s not right, it’s not wrong. It’s just common, and worth understanding. Especially since one of those women might be you.

Having dated online for seven years, I can assure you that if one of these women wrote to me first, I’d be thrilled and flattered. In fact, my first three online girlfriends all initiated contact with me. So remember, before you write to that cute guy you’ve been eyeing: as long as you don’t lose power in that initial email (by fawning over him instead of coyly flirting with him), you will have gotten the ball rolling in an easy, low-stakes fashion.

Think of it like smiling at a guy at a bar so that he approaches you. You may have initiated contact, but he still has to make the first move.

For more advice from Evan please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Shannon Smith started modelling at 18 doing fashion shows, commercials, editorials and then went to London for a year in 2004 to work there and try earn British Pounds! After returing she joined ICE Model Management and has been working non stop ever since! She came 9th in 2005 in FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll and is Miss March in 2006 FHM Calander. Shannon has done TV commercials for Jet, Samsung, Gillette, Shield Deodorant, Danone, and more. She briefly presented Tourism Biz on SABC3 early in 2006 for a few episodes and then decided to do a television presenting course with On Cue Communications, which she has just completed. She has done various voice over work for television commercials and MC work for a few functions and events. Shannon has a Diploma in Event, Conference & Exhibition Management and currently works for an Event company in Rivonia.

RT:What is your current relationship status …and why?
SS:I am currently in a stable relationship with a wonderful guy and I am very happy.

RT:What are the characteristics and qualities you find attractive in a man and why?
SS:Definitely honesty, and he MUST be able to make me laugh- which isnt too difficult. I also like tall guys with good bodies, and I am a total sucker for romance.

RT:How do you as a woman get what you want in a relationship?
SS:I think you need to make it clear in the beginning of every relationship what it is you want out of the relationship and establish boundaries etc right up front so that its smooth sailing right from the get go. If you start off letting little things slide by and not saying anything, you are bound to have problems in the future.

RT:What things do men do that turn you off?
SS:Definitely guys that think they are Gods gift to women. The guys that look in the mirror more than their girlfriends and guys that take longer to get dressed than me- NO WAY!

RT:Do you believe in opposites attract and why?
SS:I think in some relationships opposites attract but not my relationships, I need to have a lot in common with my guy, same interests and goals in life etc.

RT:Do you believe in love at first sight and why?
SS:No, I believe in LUST at first sight, thats how I felt about the guy I am dating now when we first met!

RT:Whats the worst pick-up line that’s ever been used on you by a man and how did you respond?
SS:I dont really hear many pick-up lines, I think guys feel intimidated coming up to me, like I will turn out to be some terrible person and turn my back on them or laugh, but I am actually very friendly.

RT:What’s the most embarrassing date you’ve ever been on?
SS:I went out for dinner to Monte Casino once with a guy, and when it came time to pay the bill he told me he didnt have cash on him so he needed to go draw, when he came back he said he had no cash in his bank either. I had left my purse at home, so I had to call my dad to come pay for the meal, AND he had to ask total strangers for spare change to get out of the parking!!!

RT:How do men react when you are alone vs. when you are in a group setting?
SS:I think guys are more easy going and relaxed when in a group situation and definitely more cocky and sarcastic, but when its just me and a guy alone most guys get all shy and dont have much to say, maybe thats coz I can talk the hind leg off a donkey!

RT:How has the feminist revolution affected life for women in the 21st century?
SS:Well I am no Miss South Africa so I am not gonna be able to give some hectic answer to that question, but I reckon its been exceptionally good for us, we have loads more respect from men, and loads more respect for ourselves!!

RT:What kind of relationship issues do you and your girlfriends discuss most often?
SS:We mostly discuss sexual issues and as we are all getting older, I realised we have started talking more about kids and marriage etc more often, OH DEAR!

RT:Do you have any suggestions about what women can do differently to become more successful in dating and relationship with men?
SS:Dont let men push you around, stand up for what u think is right and dont settle for 2nd best, there is definitely the PERFECT guy out there for EVERY woman. NEVER SETTLE!!!

RT:Do you have any suggestions on how guys should approach a woman?
SS:Lay off on the attitude and quit thinking you are THE MAN. Be genuine and funny and charming, DONT SWEAR, I hate men that swear.

RT:What is your idea of the ideal date?
SS:A private dinner table for two on a beautiful exotic beach, eating sushi and watching the sun set, then a walk on the beach after dinner and lying on the beach sand watching the stars above trying to spot shooting stars!

RT:What do you think of Speed Dating and would you ever try it?
SS:No I would not try it but it must work for some people coz I have a very good friend that has a perfectly good relationship and they met in a speed dating experience.

RT:What do you think of Online Dating and would you ever try it?
SS:No I would not try it, its too risky, people are never honest in those things. So you think you are talking to a 25year old Brad Pitt look a like but in actual fact you are talking to a 51 year old divorced father of two!

Checkout Shannon Smith’s MySpace profile for more photos… You can also contact her booking agents through ICE Models and Celebridex. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Popularity: 22% [?]