Believing is Seeing

Sean Stephenson once said the greatest lie is “seeing is believing” and he explain it a bit. How I understood it is that we hold back because we don’t see that its possible to approach a certain woman, or to talk to a certain guy you have your eye on. Well you have to believe first and then you will see then you will see the results…

So I share this Thought of the Day with you…


It is virtually impossible not to transmit your doubts and insecurities to others through body language, tone of voice, inflection, word choice, and other subtle characteristics. When you show by your actions that you lack self-confidence, other people also begin to doubt your ability to perform. You can gain the respect and confidence of others. Begin by making a list of all the things you like about yourself and the things you would like to change. Make a conscious effort to build upon your positive strengths and correct your weaknesses. It may not be easy, but if you assess yourself objectively and persevere in your efforts, you will eventually prevail.

For more of these thoughts of the day go to the Napoleon Hill Foundation


The Future of MSN Instant Messenger

Much to my irratation I’ve had to use MSN Messenger to keep in contact with some friends and contacts. Others who use Yahoo! Messenger I’ve ignored and where possible I’ve tried to get people onto Skype because of its superior voice quality. Well that may not be the case anymore.

There has been a few changes in Microsoft’s Internet strategy in the last 12 months or so. Firstly they have been pilloting the Windows Live search engine. And now they’ve also launched the next version of their IM client, aptly renamed Windows Live Messenger.

And Microsoft and Yahoo has also finally implimented their announcement from nine months ago, that their Instant Messaging platforms will connect so users can talk to each other.

Remember MXIT, the leading South African mobile IM application can connect with MSN Messenger, Jabber, ICQ and Google Talk.


Mobile Instant Messaging Platform MXIT

MXIT Lifestyle, a Stellenbosch based company launched MXIT, an instant messaging platform about 12 months ago. Its been in development for a few years and must be one of the greatest success stories of its kind ever to come from South Africa because it is experiencing incredible growth. Today I interviewed the CEO, Herman Heunis. And this is the start of a new research project for me, “Mobile Chat/Flirting/Dating in South Africa.” If you are interested in being notified when this research will be available send me email to and I’ll add you to my interest list.


Meaningless poem from a woman to a guy

A friend of mine emailed me this poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and asked me what it means if a woman sends (him, a guy) this kind of email. And I’m going to go into more details about what I told him to shed some light on this behaviour.

It means nothing much when woman or a guy sends you a poem by another person, especially a well-known one like this. It takes great creative effort to write your own poems. You can read a selection of my own original poems on and post feedback on that website. The reason it means nothing much is because most people send emails, poems, jokes like this to a whole bunch of people. And very seldom will they even write a personal comment as to what this mean to them.

Now who is Oriah? She is NOT THE NATIVE AMERICAN as name sounds. She is a White/Caucasian woman most likely took this name “Oriah” to sound more acceptable to the spiritually concious and New Age aficionado’s. As one reviewer on described it, “This book was chosen for our December book club thinking it might be an uplifting book for the holiday season. Not a single one of us liked the book (7 in all). We made our decision based on the poem which indeed sounded promising. We all found she contradicted herself quite often and it really was more or less one big pity party! Really deserves less than one star!”

And another one said this “This book is written as if it is a parody of a new age self-help book. I simply can’t believe that any intelligent person would take it seriously. I heard of the poem and it is sort of nice in a new agey way. The book, which I looked at in a bookstore, is just laughable. Come on, people!”

Well I think its a complete waste of time for my friend, a guy to think this means anything from the woman who sent him this. A personal email directed from him to her would be much more meaningful. And sending this poem is a huge cop-out and probably says something about the state of her confused mind. If she had more self-esteem she would write him an email directly and just tell him how she feels.

Few men or women are able to express themselves as honestly and directly as what I imply. Society conditions us to hide behind our true selves because of “respect” for other people and also to be polite. Well being polite almost never gets you what you want. And to break down society programming you need to be true to yourself first! And the best analogy I hear of recently is like they explain in a plane before take off. In the event of a problem when the oxygen masks drop down, you have to get oxygen to yourself before you try and help anyone else, even children around you.

So STOP THINKING about other people first. Don’t waste other people’s time by sending them someone else’ poem or words. Write your own and send that instead.

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow.
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or
have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true,
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God’s presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


Beauty Africa and Moloko birthday party

I accidentally found myself at the Beauty Africa exhibition today briefly meeting with a client from Cape Town who was in Johannesburg attending this event at the Sandton Convention Centre. Well head on over there to meet some gorgeous women and some reall handsome men. As with these types of event and this industry I cannot vouch for how many of the men are straight 😉 Its still running till tomorrow 17 July 2006.

Last night I went to Moloko in Rosebank, one of the top nightclubs in Johannesburg and it was like a model convention. The last time I had such a great time at Moloko was in December. It was like Beauty Africa, a model convention :-> So some tips for the guys at these types of events. Always go early and speak to the bouncers and the waiters. If you can remember their names even better. Later on the evening you will be passing by them or they will be passing by you and every time they greet you its social proof. And also speak to girls when they walk past you. Just stop them and tell them to introduce themselves before they can pass. Do this with a big smile so they can see its not serious. I did this several times and it worked like a bomb. Later on when I those same girls passed me I got hugges and with one in particular I got her rubbing herself against me, dancing a bit and a kiss. This was all achieved with confident body language. No pickup lines or any planned openers as the seduction community teaches men.

Oh and by the way you can read new interviews with me in the following publications:

  • Vroekeur, 14 July 2006 page 52,53 with a photo. Article “Die nuwe taal van FLIRT”
  • True Love, mentioned on frontpage, page 77,78 Article “The good news about Online Dating”

Superman is Dead

Tonight I watched the new Superman Returns movie. A big fan of comic book superheros since I was a young lad. This movie was to say the least a dissappointment in the story. Visually its spectacular but the acting is wooden or dead.

Clark Kent and Superman must be the most insecure superhero I know. If only based on his levels of self-confidence even Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) is better.

Now I’m going to reprint a part of a newsletter by my friend Stephane Hemon, who teaches unconditional love and sacred sexuality in Montreal, Canada.

“Superman is DEAD!”

As children, we often looked up to various superheroes and deep
down I think we all wished that we could be like them.

We wanted to be more powerful.

We wished that we could have that perfect body.

We wanted to have the external validation that superheroes feed

The problem is that when humans try to compare themselves to
superheroes (or Barbie and Ken for that matter), they inevitably
come up short.

We've all been socially conditioned to feel that we're LACKING
certain superficial qualities.

Don't get me wrong - I love Superman, but I think it's time
to listen to that Our Lady Peace song and let Superman rest
in peace.

He was a great superhero, but at the end of the day, he actually

Allow me to explain.

He spent his entire life trying to SAVE a world that did not
want to be saved.

He interfered with everything going on around him. It wasn't
kryptonite that killed him. It was the lack of compassion.

Superman was a concept that was created at a time when our world
really truly needed it. We needed a type of hope, of some superhuman.

But, in a sense, that old concept has worked against us. It
is not just Superman and Superwoman. It is all the superheroes,
and all of these grand beings that we have manifested.

We have all wanted the perfect body, the perfect strength, X-ray
vision, the ability to do all these things and to save the world.

But Superman is dead now, replaced with compassion.

Replaced not with the image of this perfect body that was strong
and all of these other attributes that related to the physical
being. That is dead now.

We have been struggling and fighting with the way that we think
we need to be a super human. And, that is gone… gone… dead.

We have judged ourselves based on all of these superficial things.

They are gone now. They are gone. They are replaced with compassion
and honoring of your self and everything around you.

Superman forgot to honor himself and others. And, he had to
leave because he didn't understand that people have free will
and need to learn to accept response-ability for their own lives.

It's lack of compassion that compels us to argue with others.

It's lack of compassion that compels us to want to change others.

It's lack of compassion that compels us to want to “save” others.

And it's lack of compassion that compels us to feel angry and
judgmental toward others.

To change the topic for a moment, I ALSO get a lot of emails
that sound like this:

“Hey Steph, “coming from the heart” SOUNDS like a good idea.
But HOW does one come from the heart?”

The short answer is this:

You know that loud voice in your head?

Well, BEHIND that voice there is ANOTHER voice. It's much quieter.
It's MUCH softer. It's not your “inner-wuss”.

It's the wisdom of your heart.

Since it's not as LOUD as the Ego, we humans rarely pay attention
to it.

The average heart-chakra is only 3% open.


…But it does explain all of the power struggles, arguments,
fights, violence, and cheating that goes on in today's relationships.

Now, to get back to Superman being dead, many of you are trying
to CHANGE the women you are with, rather than TRAINING her.

The difference is quite simple, and can be summed up in TWO


Now, here's a story to illustrate what I mean by Superman being
dead and replaced by compassion.

Recently, a friend of mine started seeing a new woman. Everything
was going well for the first week or two…

Then he tried talking to her about being in a relationship,
and she told him that although she was enjoying his company
very much, she was not yet ready to jump into a relationship.

What does he do?

Instead of HONORING that, and respecting her God-given right
to decide for herself when she is or isn't ready to be in a
committed relationship, he began to argue and attempted to change
her mind. He started LECTURING her.

Now, my friend has very good intentions and all, but in this
case what he didn't realize was that he lacked COMPASSION.

Needless to say, he lost the girl.

Had he respected her right to make up her own mind about things
and displayed compassion, things might have worked out differently.

So it was a lesson he learned the hard way. He tried to be her
Superman; he tried to “save” her.

He tried to teach her something that she didn't want to learn,
which really means that he tried to impose his values on her.

When a woman wants to do something that I don't agree with,
such as sleeping with other men, I honor that. I might even
introduce her to other men.

The bottom line is that I've learned to trust the Universe to
supply my abundance of pussy. Ironically, it's this non-needy
attitude that draws them in faster than anything.

I NEVER attempt to preach, “save” or control women. I honor
whatever path they choose, and I honor my own path as well.
I don't compromise my values in order to keep getting sex from
a woman.

Her choices in life are her buisness, not mine. And whatever
choices she makes, I ask myself, “Can I live with that?”

If yes, great. If no, then she needs to be in a relationship
with someone else.

Trust me, the non-needy attitude (compassion) is quite challenging.
It can be very difficult to master, but when you do, it's THE
most attractive quality you can have.

Try to HONOR every single choice, every value, and every belief
that other people choose for themselves, even if you disagree
with them and know that they are choosing something un-healthy.

Let it go. Honor them, respect them. Be the first person they've
ever met who was totally capable of accepting them just they
way they are.

Stop being her Superman and have TRUE compassion. Trust me,
this will draw heart-centered women into your life more than
any other quality.

For more on Stephane please visit his website Ideagasms and also checkout his Ideagasms Forum.

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Treat Life like a Dance

I’ve been going for salsa class at Dance Junxion in Rosebank, Johannesburg for the last several weeks. They offer a range of dance styles from ballroom, hip-hop, Latin and Spanish dancing. This is one of the best ways to meet new people who are often single. And its a whole lot of fun. My posture, my confidence and my generally my body language has improved because of this dancing.

Now a quote from my favourite philosopher, Alan Watts: “In music though, one doesn’t make the end of a composition, the point of a composition. If that was so the best conductors would be those who played fastest. And there would be composers who wrote only finales…People go to concerts to hear one crashing cord, cause that’s the end…

So when dancing you don’t aim at a particular spot in the room. That’s where you should arrive. The whole point of the dancing is the dance.”

No one more thing. There’s a beautiful poem by ASJ Tessimond, Black Monday Lovesong which demonstrates what I’m talking about. So don’t sit on your ass and watch TV or DVDs. Treat life like a dance and you’ll realise every moment is like retreating or advancing.


Spice up your life

Misstress of SpiceTonight I watched Misstress of Spice, a new movie starring reigning Bollywood queen, Aishwarya Rai and American actor, Dylon McDermott. South Africa’s top movie critic, Barry Ronge, gave it a scathing review you can read here. I still think its a good movie with fantastic visuals and also a lot of fantasy. It’s playing at Cinema Nouveau and elsewhere.
Last year I met this gorgeous Indian woman who at first was very stand-off-ish. But I got her email, and emailed her the next day. A few SMSes and more emails and a week later met for dinner. And some kissing. Another few days later on a Sunday afternoon she stopped by my place to lunch. She told me no guy had ever cooked for her before. Well I think this is the best thing I could have learnt a few years ago as part of my repertoire. Lets just say that she had me for dessert and the rest is history.

So any guy who reads this post. Do yourself the biggest favour and learn some basic culinary skills. It will set you miles apart from other guys.


Pole dancing

I walked into a pole dancing class by my associate Dr Elna McIntosh last week Wednesday. I was pleasantly surprises. And thought I may upset the women. It turned out they were worried about the whether I was embarrassed. I don’t get embarrassed easily any more 😉

Well she teaches a women’s group for 6 weeks and one of the session is to teach poll dancing. I think this has something to do with the Madonna-Whore Complex in men. If a woman keeps behaving like the mother i.e. caring, nurturing, etc. The man may loose sexual interest in the women and seek elsewhere to satisfy sexual needs and desires. Dr McIntosh’s women’s group costs R1,500. And she may soon start offering the poll dancing class as a stand alone course shortly. Call her on 011 787 1222 if you are interested in more info (ask for her PA Glenda).

If you live in Joburg join me for a Pole Dancing Competition at Roxy’s in Melville.