Joke of the Day: The Husband and the Coke machine

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem is who should get custody of the child. The wife jumps up and says: “Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in your defence?” The man sits for a while contemplating, then slowly rises. “Your Honour, if I place R5 in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it – the machine’s or mine?”

 

Joke of the Day: Mbeki, Zuma, Fraser-Moleketi and Dlamini-Zuma

Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Manto Tsabalala Msimang were flying together in the President’s jet. Thabo Mbeki suddenly said: “You know what. I can throw a R500 right now out of this window and make someone happy.”

Jacob Zuma said: “I can throw five R 100 notes out of the window and I will make 5 people unbelievably happy.”

Geraldine said: “I will give government employees 7.25% salary increase and make millions happy”.

Manto said : “I will can throw ten R 50 notes out of the window and make 10 people very, very happy.”

The one pilot looks at the other and says:
“Listen to those 4 showoffs at the back… I can throw all 4 of them out of the window right now and I will make the whole country very happy!”

 

Dating Lessons from Borat

You may or may not have seen this clip before. Borat has certainly entered the mainstream with the hit movie from 2006. Borat in his usual casual style introduces the topic and explains in a bewildered manner how American women will not get married unless you date them first. Apparently where comes from, in Kazakhstan, you just go to the woman’s father and pay them. Sounds almost like lobola to me. The questions by the matchmaker with Borat’s responses is hilarious. One benefit from this kind of situation is that it helps you become clear about what you want, what you have to offer. The question of race is not a sensitive issue to Borat: he does not want a Jewish woman. One good piece of advice given at this stage is not to be sexually explicit in your dating profile. You want to be sensual wherever you can but never direct.

Next in dating school Borat learns that most American men bring to many gifts. This is a big no-no according the dating coach. He practices his funny chair joke on her with some uncomfortable giggles. A tip here when telling jokes never laugh before the woman you are talking to has laughed. No matter how lame your jokes – hold your breath – and the people you speak to will eventually giggle even to relieve to the tension. More about cocky comedy later. I think the most hilarious part is that Borat does the opposite of what the dating coach tells him to do. There is some value here because doing the opposite of what your mother taught you or what society expects to you to do, can sometimes have surprisingly good responses from woman. Everyone enjoys a surprise whether they admit it or not.

 

Have you spoken to Mr Deity today?

Who is Mr Deity? Your friendly neighborhood omnipotent, omnipresent God or as Dr John Demartini says, Grand Organised Designer. This hilarious send-up was created by Brian Keith Dalton.

This is one of those shows popping up on Youtube along with the likes of Chad Vader, that has the potential for mainstream success. In fact Brian’s goal is to turn this into a weekly sitcom and is currently negotiating with some tv networks. I really find it amazing how much wit and intelligence these 5 minute webisodes contain. Without explaining more about Mr Deity I include a clip of the very first one to get you started…

 

Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there!

 

The best 25 Austin Powers Pickup Lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs…what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

7. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

8. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you All day long for a quarter.

9. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

10. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

11. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

12. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

13. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

14. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.

15. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

16. Screw me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

17. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my floor.

18. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

19. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

20. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

21. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don’t you like pizza?

22. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

23. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

24. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

25. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

 

Awesome Cartoon Trek Life

A hilariously funny cartoon from the official Star Trek website is called Trek Life and you gotta check it out! It tells the story of a hardcore Trekkie and his friends. For as long as I can remember I’ve been a fan of Star Trek or Trekkie as we’re called. In fact on my wishlist is all Star Trek movies, the entire original Star Trek series with Captain Kirk and Mr Spock, Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG) and Star Trek: Voyager. The only series I hated was Deep Space Nine because they never went anywhere!!