Online dating interview with WITS psychologist Dr Andrew Thatcher


Dr Andrew Thatcher from WITS UniversityThis interview was the very first interview when I started my research into Online Dating in South Africa…

RT:What kinds of people do Online Dating?

AT: There are two sets of people that are going to be using online dating:

  1. The people that are doing it purely out of fun, for something to do and
  2. The people that want to get something out of it.

RT: What is the typical profile of a person who tries Online Dating?

AT: In terms of age the profile most likely is that: When a younger person does not take dating that seriously; there are more options available; trying different things and there are a lot more opportunities to explore other relationships.

As you get older, metaphorically and physically the clock starts to tick. There is a lot more pressure, in a social sense pressure from parents to get married, to have children and to make them grandparents and a biological sense as you get older, chances of complications during childbirth increases as well as genetic conditions that might arise- this is in terms of breeding. When older one has less life left. We will not live forever. As you get older there is less time to spend with the love of your life, the sooner you meet the love of your life the longer you are able to spend with them. Social, biological and psychological pressures are not necessarily distinct from one another; they can be related to one another. As people get older they start to take dating more seriously, as a result they will take online dating more seriously. They will try several things at the same time, from anecdotal evidence friends that have tried online dating at the same time tried speed dating using social networks, religious activities, social activities, cruising (going on cruises) tried a number of different things.

RT: What kind of stigma do you think is attached to Online Dating?

AT: Online is not seen in the same light, we evolved over 300 000 years in social structures of social contact, tribal, brotherhood and racial affinities. Human beings have evolved; online dating is one of them. Contact such as body language, face-to-face interaction and eye contact is important, that is why we are struggling with the digital age. One part of the issue is communication bandwidth; when online, there is less communication bandwidth than face-to-face interaction. You have physical contact, verbal, face to face and tone contact and a broader span of immediate feedback. The online environment uses one communication medium of text photo graphics – sending 1-3 messages a month and it takes five minutes to type out a message.

RT: How does Love at first sight fit in?

AT: Research in general has shown love at first sight happens to very few people. Most lasting relationships share something in common. Hosting a profile means sharing a profile; you are looking for someone to connect with. When online you meet people through common ground, for example educational institutions, sharing a common faith means you share that with them. The thing about love at first sight is that it is purely physical, they may look drop dead gorgeous but when you actually speak to them they have a squeaky voice which is not what you are looking for.

RT: What are the benefits of Online Dating over traditional dating?

AT: Online dating allows you to meet people in a safe environment; you cannot catch STDs or HIV/AIDS through sending a message. Sending an email does not necessarily mean that you are jumping into bed with a person. From that perspective you can sound somebody out in a relatively sober environment. There is no risk of outright rejection. You can send 2-3 messages at the same time to different people and they will not know you are flirting with someone else, you tend to be more honest, and there is no point in lying because you will be matched up with the wrong person. Opposites do not really attract, you cannot be matched with an opposite. We are approaching a more mature side of online dating; we are taking it more seriously.

RT: Does online dating make you do things quicker and faster?

AT: Within two months you will have a date, but how many of them will lead to a more meaningful relationship? There is a danger in assuming that we do things quicker and faster. It all purely depends on your technical sophistication. Online dating allows us to do it outside of normal times, you can get online at three o’clock in the morning, and it widens your scope. If you want to carry on a meaningful relationship you must make time for it. Our environment it seems has accelerated. We have to ask ourselves is the lifestyle we are living conducive to have a meaningful relationship?

RT: What is the risk of people being harassed?

AT: The main danger is the situation of minors, if you are an adult there are certain rules you should follow but not everyone does. People can manipulate the situation particularly with vulnerable groups (people with low self esteem or unstable people). Online is safer because the majority of rapes are perpetrated by people we know. Whatever message you send is electronically recorded so if you divulge personal information it is on record for people to go back to. In an online environment, you are more likely to be sober not only not taking drugs and alcohol as you might if you were at a party but also psychologically as well.

RT: Do you think the experience of online dating allows you to get to know yourself better?

AT: There is a lot of different ways in which we get to know ourselves better, being honest with ourselves, having therapy and being spiritual is some ways. As we get older we have to look at ourselves, if you do not look at yourself retrospectively it will not help us know ourselves better. If you get positive feedback it might encourage you to be more open.

Dr Andrew Thatcher is Assistant Professor of Psychology at in the School of Human and Community Development at the University of the Witwatersrand, JohannesburgRamon Thomas recommends DatingBuzz or YesNoMayb

Yes, its time to move on and keep growing


Dan Sullivan, an expert on Entrepreneurship advocates that people in the 21 Century will be forced to become multidimensional people. This essentially means that to be successfully people have to continue growing. I’ve just realized that even in relationships we must continue to grow or else it will end, one way or another; from our own choosing or not.

If couples do not continue to grow together they are doomed. Essentially we’re talking about a love that’s build on a passionate friendship. Talking from experience my failed relationships have been those who started out because of a physical attraction. Currently I’m in a relationship that has evolved from a passionate friendship. The person is very very dear to me and I would love her like a friend for the rest of my life. It just so happens we also share some physical attraction and that has turned our friendship into something more. However, I’m not concerned about one day when the physical attraction fades because the friendship will always be there.

Birthday Braai


Yesterday, Saturday 24 April, I had the best birthday party ever. More then 25 friends and family showed up for my birthday bash! I got several gifts from close friends and two chocolate cakes. People started arriving at 3h20pm and didn’t stop until about 7-8pm. Afterwards some of us went dancing and I finally got home around 2h30am on Sunday morning. Wow! I could not have asked for more then to be around the people I love.

The grandfather of success and motivation books, Think and Grow Rich


I’ve been studying various books over the last 6 months in order to find the secret of success and wealth. And I’m likely to continue researching and studying these books for years to come. My search originally began by identifying the historically revered books such as:

Of these I found Napoleon Hill’s philosophy is the most practical because it gives very specific step by step instructions. I went as far as downloading an audio interview with Napoleon Hill by American motivational speaker, Anthony Robbins. I’ve given copies of this audio interview to several people and I can only hope they will find as much benefit from it as I have. The key to success is to know what you want to achieve, and the incrementally do the necessary steps to achieve the goals. Becoming the best God intended you to be.

Think and Grow Rich! is a motivational book. Written by Napoleon Hill and inspired by Andrew Carnegie, it was published in 1937 at the end of the Great Depression. In 1960, Hill published an abridged version of the book, which for years was the only one generally available. In 2004, Ross Cornwell published Think and Grow Rich!: The Original Version, Restored and Revised, which restored the book to its original content, with slight revisions, and added the first comprehensive endnotes, index, and appendix the book had ever contained.

The text of Think and Grow Rich! is founded on Hill’s earlier work, The Law of Success, the result of more than twenty years of research based on Hill’s close association with a large number of individuals who achieved great wealth during their lifetimes.

At Carnegie’s bidding, Hill studied the characteristics of these achievers and developed fifteen “laws” intended to be applied by anybody to achieve success. Think and Grow Rich! itself condenses these laws further and provides the reader with 13 principles in the form of a philosophy of personal achievement.

Reflected in these principles is the importance of cultivating a burning desire, faith, autosuggestion and persistence in the attainment of one’s goals. Hill also discusses the importance of overcoming many of the common fears that can adversely affect one’s thinking and potential.

In his introduction, Hill refers to the “Carnegie Secret“, a conception which he reports is the foundation of all success and appears to be the premise of the book. Hill promises to indirectly describe this “secret” in every chapter, but never state it plainly, believing the use of the secret is only available to those who possess a “readiness” for it, a disposition Hill describes as essential to the concept itself.

Sean Burke's new video – The Last Dayz


I’ve had the privilege of viewing a new music video by South African musician, Sean Burke.

The video entitled Last Dayz, is Men in Black meets The Matrix. This is superb 3D animation with a big focus on the quality of small details. The video is due to be play listed on MTV and it will be the first time ever a South African music video will be featured on MTV. Sean is certainly breaking new ground with this video and release of his latest album, Eludaquit. On Monday, 27 October 2003, Sean Burke will be featured in the The Star Tonight, the daily entertainment supplement of The Star, Gauteng’s most popular daily newspaper.

My first blog post


This is my first attempt at regular blogging. I began blogging on and eventually moved to my own domain, and after several hosting companies have now settled on Hostgator.

The best movies out this week is obviously the swash buckling Pirates Of The Caribbean with Johnny Depp, one of the most versatile actors in Hollywood. If you still haven’t seen Jim Carrey’s latest farce, Bruce Almighty, do yourself a favour and go and see the greatest comedic actor of the last 10 years!

The book I am currently reading is The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.

After a brilliant tour of South Africa I was fortunate enough to watch the brilliance of Mick Hucknall and Simply Red perform their greatest hits at The Dome in Northgate, Johannesburg. I can only recommend The Very Best of Simply Red double album and their latest Home.

This blog is primarily be about personal development and dating tips.