He is the author of the very successful and absolutely amazing book, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. And I recently listened to a terrific interview with him by Tony Robbins. Having read the book a while ago I never really appreciated its impact as much as I do now. And I am intergrating the principles into my life. You may also want to checkout his new book, The 8th Habit.
Ramon Thomas
Psychology of Technology Blog
Expresso Dating Guide
Yahoo! Personals, one of the biggest international online dating websites has teamed up with relationship expert Dr Logan Levkoff and produced the Expresso Dating Guide. It’s just so clear to me now that because of all the hype around romance, falling in love, and upcoming Valentine’s Day most people throw common sense out the window. Someoneone once told a story of a survey where they asked men and women if they would have sex with someone they only knew for 2 weeks. Most said they would. The same group was asked if they would borrow their car to someone they only knew for 2 weeks. And most said “Hell No!”
The Myth of Love in the 21st Century
This is an article I wrote in 2002 and I’m republishing it here now that we’re getting closer to Valentine’s Day where all women go cookoo and men fall over their feet to please them…
As we approach Valentine’s Day its imperative we re-look the meaning of love in modern society. Is love in the 21st century really the same thing as it always was throughout history? The love talked about in the great mythical tales of Romeo & Juliet and Anthony & Cleopatra. Lets look at the definition of love and proceed from there.
The common meaning of love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness; a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. However many people equate it with Sexual passion, Sexual intercourse or a Love affair; an intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object; a person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment or an expression of one’s affection: “Send him my love.” It could also be a strong predilection or enthusiasm: “a love of language” and even the object of such an enthusiasm: “The outdoors is her greatest love.” In mythology it refers to Eros or Cupid, often Love in Christianity means Charity and in tennis, zero!
The premise of the movie “The Mirror Has Two Faces” resolves around the question, if marriage is the be all and end all of love? The answer follows that, in the 12 century there was a notion of courtly love, where 2 people come together for love and could not consummate it. This would normally take place between a knight and a lady of the court, which is already married. They would proceed to express their love in many different ways like writing poems to each other. The other strong point the movie makes is the effect that advertising (brainwashing) has on our modern perception of love and beauty. In the days before television and plush women’s magazines we are allowed to think for ourselves. After all beauty is no longer in the eye of the beholder, lets just face the facts.
In another movie “Don Juan DeMarco”, our hero lives life the way we all wish we could, in love, totally in-love. The kind of love that makes you feel like you exist only because the person that you love. The moral of this story is that we deny ourselves the love that is all consuming. We don’t realise what a wonderful experience it could be and to what madness it can drive us when taken away from us. In modern society we’re afraid of our “feelings being hurt” and “what other people may think”. So what do we do about it? We should take the risks because the rewards will be worth more then all the treasure of King Solomon’s mines. As the classic saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.
Talking to most people they will tell you love is when that special person does small things to make you happy. Others will tell you its that burning desire to hop out of your clothes and get it on, as Marvin Gaye would say. Well honestly, everyone out there experiences on different levels and in different ways love. That is what makes human beings so unique. As we all know with animals instinct takes over and in the heat (sic) of the moment all composure is lost and they end up doing it doggy style.
So do you believe love is a myth or it is something real that can be experienced by everyone, like you and me? Do you believe love is when you kiss your girlfriend or boyfriend and you hear music like in the movies? Does it really matter that to fall in-love and be in-love you need to consummate it? There are so many questions to be asked about love and in real life there is no easy answers. So we look forward to your questions and comments about love, especially after this Valentine’s Day.
Some useful links
Incoming search terms:
Unconditional Love minus Putting Up with Bullshit equals Happiness
This is a lesson I’ve learnt from Stéphane Hémon, a Montreal based Seduction Guru who teaches Unconditional Love. Since discovering his teachings last year I read all the archives of Stephane’s newsletter. Tonight I’m a little sad because I had to let go of a woman I really love. And its weird because I am sad yet there is no more crying. And the lesson is really that she does not believe I can love her in the way I’ve described. And she wants me to “Fall in Love” with her. This is the bullshit we have to put up with. Really intelligent men and women who believe in Love the way Hollywood has described it for us.
And I’m gonna share with you exactly what I sent her via a text message on my cellphone after I left her apartment…
“You can reject love but not Ramon’s Love. My love is unconditional. It is more than romantic love. It is beyond falling in-love yet youy refuse it. I wish to honour your right to deprive yourself of My Love. And I respect your decision tonight! Goodbye …”
Now on first reading this you may think I was arrogant. And in reality I am just not putting up with any bullshit from her. She’s mature, she’s intelligent and she has a sense of a humour. She knows I care about her and she keeps asking me for validation. This behavior is neediness. The need to be told what she wants to hear.
These days I don’t spell out how I feel. I show women how I feel about them. Most people and this woman in particular responded to me based on Fear. She is afraid of loosing control and falling in love with me, she is afraid of being hurt by me like she has been in the past and she’s also afraid of the unknown. She does not believe she deserves the Happiness that my Unconditional Love can give her…
Her loss not mine.
Incoming search terms:
I Have a Dream, You Have a Dream
As you may know I live in Johannesburg, the New York City of Africa. And we have this talk radio station 702 which is very popular. My favourite show is the Tim Modise show from 9am-12 every week day. I highly recommend you listen to him via the Internet on www.702.co.za and especially his weekly interview with Dr Helgo Schomer a Psychologist from University of Cape Town. Well one day Tim played Martin Luther King Jr’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech and took a number of calls. Now for those of you who don’t know me I can be very nostalgic.
So recently I decided to track down a audio file of this great speech which I could listen to it again. This is the kinds of things I wish they will incorporate into the History curriculum in high schools. A focus on the contribution of people like Martin Luther King Jr that can inspire young people growing up in a world filled with turmoil. The attitude that King had in his life comes from a deep moral conviction. You know he was a Baptist Minister and that comes through very strongly in his speech. And this is something I plan to emulate in my own public talks.
You can download the MP3 of his speech here…
Also checkout this Time 100 profile here…
And remember if you want to feel enthusiastic, act enthusiastic…!
Drifting, witout aim or purpose, is the first cause of Failure
I got this from the Napoleon Hill Foundation, “Without a plan for your life, it is easier to follow the course of least resistance, to go with the flow, to drift with the current with no particular destination in mind. Having a definite plan for your life greatly simplifies the process of making hundreds of daily decisions that affect your ultimate success. When you know where you want to go, you can quickly decide if your actions are moving you toward your goal or away from it. Without definite, precise goals and a plan for their achievement, each decision must be considered in a vacuum. Definiteness of purpose provides context and allows you to relate specific actions to your overall plan.”
Clearly this applies to Dating as well because most people DO NOT know what it is they want and what they don’t want. A woman will typically believe in a romantic fantasy of meeting “the man of her dreams” by accident. And if its meant to be she will meet him this way. She will believe things like “you can’t find the one you’re looking for, you have to let him find you…” And with men its almost the same. They don’t know what they want, so now they meet a physically attractive woman and they completely forget about the things they don’t like in her ’till its to late. What I mean is they become almost blind as in “love is blind” or rather “lust is blind” and therefore they put up with what Stephane calls “pussy power” and this ultimately destroys their masculinity.
Incoming search terms:
Love Smart advice from Dr Phil McGraw
An early exercise suggests that women make detailed lists of the qualities they’re looking for in a mate; five broad categories cover everything from social skills to physical appearance. Once a clear picture is formed of the ideal partner, it all boils down to marketing. Dr. Phil discusses conversation skills such as developing “icebreaker” questions and even digs up some of the old-school techniques that suggest checking headlines just to offer up-to-date topics, and making sure to ask questions about your date, rather than revealing much about yourself. Suggestions for internet dating are included in a separate chapter, and later chapters go into specific questions that cover personal background and relationship history in great detail.The combination of new school humor with old-fashioned advice will appeal to women who are looking for both a plan for partnership and goofy jokes to lighten the pressure. Dr. Phil offers both in spades.
Book Description
If you are sleeping single in a double bed or walking down the street thinking, How do I meet that guy?; if you’re on your twentieth date and he’s no more committed than when you first exchanged cell phone numbers; if everyone you know is getting married for the second time and you can’t even get a first date; if you love the one you’re with but the relationship needs some spark…then this book is for you.
In Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got, Dr. Phil tells people who are dissatisfied with their love lives to stop making excuses — All the good ones are taken; I’m too fat/skinny/boring/unpredictable for anyone to love me; I should stick with the relationship I have, I’m not going to do any better — and start taking action! Dr. Phil knows that you deserve a committed relationship, and it is within your control to have the one you want. First, though, you need to determine what you want in a partner, plot your course and get out there and create velocity in your pursuit of a loving connection. The dating world is a vastly new place: meeting people at bars or through friends used to be the only option, but that’s not true anymore. Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got explores new possibilities, new places to meet people — including the Internet — and new activities to get involved in where you’ll find interesting people. Or if you are simply looking to rekindle the relationship you are already in, Dr. Phil will tell you how to turn up the flame.
Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got will show you how to stop stumbling through your love life. You will learn to:
- Present the real you in the most flattering light. Are you your own best kept secret? Do you fail to show the world how truly fabulous and interesting you are? As Dr. Phil says, you can’t fake fabulous. Don’t act passive if three months into the relationship you’re going to spring your true, opinionated personality on him; don’t act wild if you really just want to sip tea with your mate in front of your favorite nighttime drama. Define who you are and then ride that horse!
- Peek behind the male curtain. Knowledge is power, and Dr. Phil tells you things about men that they don’t necessarily want you to know — their deepest needs and fears (yes, they have those, too, though they deny it), and how to decode their words and actions.
- Master the right moves. Once you’ve learned to put the best you forward, you need to go to places where you’ll find interesting people and invite interaction. Don’t fade into the wallpaper; get noticed and get involved. If you’re already coupled up, learn to grow and nurture what you have and build a more fun, enjoyable and intimate relationship.
- Bag ‘em, tag ‘em and take ‘em home. Once you put those right moves into action, there will be no stopping you! Dr. Phil shows you how to negotiate the relationship you desire and then close the deal with the one you want.
- Get out of your relationship rut. When you first fell in love, your heart raced just at the thought of him. But the daily grind, money problems, work, etc. have drained the life out of your relationship, and you take each other for granted. That doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love. Dr. Phil shows you how to assess the state of your union and take the relationship to a deeper level.
Dr. Phil says there are no exceptions: There is somebody for everybody, and everybody deserves a relationship filled with love and excitement. Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got offers you the plan to find not just any relationship but the committed, loving, joy-filled relationship you’ve been waiting for.
Visit Dr Phil’s official website here.
Incoming search terms:
Dr Phil and Online Dating
Match.com the biggest online dating network of websites in the world has teamed up with Dr Phil. There is three hilarious tv commercials that have been produced and I was laughing my ass off with Dr Phil’s comments and they visual way in which the benefits of online dating is shown. It really can be a meat market and selection becomes so very important. Also checkout Dr Phil’s new book Love Smart with some great advice….
Online dating reaches a critical mass in United Kingdom
Two thirds of singles in Britain looking for love turned to electronic dating agencies in 2005, figures published in the Times showed today.
Experts believe that online dating has revolutionised the dating game and become a “perfect example of technological Darwinism”.
A survey by with more than 1.5 million members, reported that 3.6 million Britons used online dating services last year
That amounts to 65 per cent of the 5.4 million Britons who were looking for a relationship and used a dating service in 2005.
A spokeswoman for Relate, a leading British relationship counselling agency, said: “The internet is the way people are looking these days. The stigma from dating agencies seems to have gone.”
According to the Times, there are more than 100 independent online dating agencies in Britain, chasing a market that is valued at about $A28.12 million and expected to rise to $A62.33 million by 2008.
Parship says that 50 per cent of single people believe they will meet a suitable partner through the internet, up from 35 per cent six months ago.
Chris Simpson, commercial director of the agency Telecom Express, said that greater interactivity on the internet had lured singletons online.
“If you could pick one single thing that’s changed everything, it’s the ability to see a picture of the person,” he said.
At the top end of the online dating business, companies were emulating some of old agencies’ attention to detail by asking clients to fill out extensive questionnaires.
This “weeded out” half-hearted fling-seekers and improved the chances of finding a good match.
Parship uses detailed psychometric tests similar to the personality profiles that many large companies employ to screen potential employees.
Love and Friends, an agency which has 75,000 British members, asks singletons to spend about an hour completing its form.
Mary Balfour, founder of Love and Friends, where a full “hand-holding” matchmaking service can cost more than £5000 ($A11,715), said the internet had revolutionised the dating industry by raising its profile and placing a new reliance on getting to know a date before meeting.
“It’s like a return to old-fashioned love letters”, she said. “You don’t base your initial judgement on how someone looks but what their profile is like.”
“Everybody you know who is single these days has at least had a good look at a dating website, introduction agency or personal ad.
They have to, because all the old matchmaking institutions have gone, from the Church, the extended family, local community and factory floor to the ball and party circuits”, added Balfour.
Richard Giordarno, a lecturer on web-based social forms at Birkbeck College in London, said that electronic dating conferred a degree of control that people could never obtain from a face-to-face encounter.
“You can pick and choose the person you want to meet and you have control over the way you display yourself”, he told the Times.
source: The Times
Online dating tips: The honest truth
MOST dating advice tells you to be honest, but what does this really mean? Often people confuse “honesty” with “revealing everything” – but can we be too honest, and can it lose us dates?
There are four common mistakes people make about honesty.
1. Confusing honesty with self-criticism
People worry that if they don’t tell their potential date everything right away it may cause problems in the future. To avoid disappointment, people describe themselves far too literally. Take Juliet, stunningly pretty and a size 18.
Worried potential dates might not like her; she described herself as a large lady. Not surprisingly she didn’t get much response. But when she changed the description to curvaceous, she was overwhelmed by guys wanting to meet her.
2. Too much too soon
Sometimes people confuse openness with honesty and tell a potential date everything. For example, people often reveal an overwhelming list of all their contact details including email and telephone numbers or a laundry list of all their previous relationships and what went wrong.
3. Telling your life history
If you’ve had problems in your past, like poor health or an abusive relationship, you often want to tell others. Lindsay had been with Phil for seven years, and he’d cheated on her many times.
Eventually she ended the relationship, but was so worried about being cheated on, she told every new partner how badly Phil had treated her.
Lindsay was trying to protect herself, but her would-be dates either thought she still had feelings for Phil or found her anger off-putting.
4. Appearing too keen
We all have ideas about what we want from a relationship – maybe a big family, or a white wedding. Some people feel they need to declare these desires on a first date. This may scare off a potential date or make you seem desperate, not honest.
So how can we avoid making these mistakes?
1. Deal with any problems before you start dating. For serious issues ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor. You may also find Anne Dickson’s book, A Woman in Your Own Right, helps you identify and overcome confidence problems.
2. Practice flirting and chatting. Ask friends to give you pointers on how to sell yourself. Try Peta Heskell’s Flirt Coach, or Joy Brown’s Dating for Dummies for conversation and confidence ideas.
3. Get a friend to act out a date. They can pretend to chat you up and you respond as normal to pinpoint problems. For example, they can point out when you provide too much personal information.
4. Remember if you say too much to a potential date it isn’t a disaster. You might scare off some people, but many people are more forgiving. Chalk it up to experience.
5. Don’t forget that over time can say what you want, and as a relationship develops you can confide your secrets, hopes and fears.
Key points for honest communication:
# Sell yourself. Don’t put yourself down in the mistaken belief that you’re being ‘honest’. # Don’t be afraid to talk about your successes, things that interest you, comments on a film you may have seen, or a book you’ve read. # Ask lots of questions. Not only will you reduce your worries, but you’ll also have enough information to decide if you want another date.
source: ic North Wales
Recommendations
Office +27 081 4399 555
