5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk….. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Poof! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’ Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. It’s full of nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy…. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE…

Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating …. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married …. You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating …. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married …. He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating …. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married …. He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating …. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married …. A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating ….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married …. You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating …. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married …. You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating ….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married …. He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating ….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating ….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married …. When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating …. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married …. The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating …. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married …. He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating …. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married …. He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married …. He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

Incoming search terms:

Bill Hicks used to end his shows with this…

Bill Hicks comedianLife is like a ride in an amusement park and when you go on it and you think it’s real, cause that’s how powerful our minds are, and the ride goes up and down, and round and round. It has thrills and chills and its very brightly coloured. And it’s very loud and its fun for a while. Some have been on it for a long time, and begin to question is this real or is this just a ride. And other people have remembered and they come back to us, and they say “hey don’t worry, don’t be afraid ever, cause this is just a ride.”

And we kill those people. “Shut him I’ve got a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family, this has to be real.” It’s just a ride. We all kill those good guys who try and tell us that. You ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn’t matter cause its just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings with money. Just a choice right now between fear … and love.

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George Carlin’s Words of wisdom

George Carlin’s Words of wisdom

This is a master piece… If you have not read it take the time to read it now… If you have read it take time to read it again… If you have read it again… Then, please consider!!!

George Carlin American stand-up comedian RIPIsn’t it amazing that George Carlin – comedian of the 70′s and 80′s – could write something so very eloquent…and so very appropriate

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Free-ways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete….

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Incoming search terms:

Trouble with Twitter

This is one of those videos that really makes you think about how trivial some aspects of social networking sites like Twitter can be. From: “SuperNews!” An animated sketch comedy series airing on Current TV.

How not to network videos

More examples of how not to approach business networking events. Essential networking skills are missing from these video’s. You can view more of these videos on the Kintish Youtube Channel:


Khaya Dlanga does The Skype Dance

Khaya Dlanga is South Africa’s top video blogger with over 10,000 subscribers to his Youtube channel. His most recent video is a hilarious little dance move he calls the Skype Dance. If you want to know more about Skype, download it otherwise if you want to learn more read this beginners guide for South Africans.

Mitch Hedberg RIP

Ever heard of Mitch Hedberg? My friend Chris van Wyk recently brought him to my attention. What an awesome comedic talent. He’s jokes are so arb you cannot help yourself laughing your ass off. In fact he comes across as someone who’s permanently high because his delivery is so laid back. It’s refreshing to have clean humour where no vulgarity is used while still being hilarious. From watching so much comedy it just seems that most stand-up comedians or movies rely on toiler humour or sex talk to get a laugh. Mitch Hedberg was something else. Sadly he passed away in 2005 just before his first HBO special.

See for yourself in this clip. And I encourage you checkout more of him on Youtube.

Make laugh not war in Joburg

Last night I attended the really awesome “Make Laugh Not War” show at the Nelson Mandela Theatre in Braamfontein. The cast included Riaad Moosa (MC), Joey Rasdien, Afzal Khan, Mo Magic from South Africa and international comedians Azhar Usman, Preacher Moss, Mo Amer from Allah Made Me Funny Muslim comedy tour. Riaad, a medical doctor turned comedian from Cape Town, hosted the evening. My tickets were thanks to Lester Ash from Bruin-ou.com. All I can say is that if you are even remotely interested in the Indian/Arab/Muslim/Palestinian people you are going to laugh your ass off. There are some very specific South African in-jokes with our diverse community. So you will enjoy the first set and overall the 2nd set with the international comedians were off the rockers.

So today they have their final show in South Africa. Be sure to book for the two shows today at Computicket. And just as a teaser…here’s a clip from Google Video:


The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?

PLATO: For the greater good.

* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: … I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

* GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

* BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

* ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To lay. In the hay.

* RAY McCAULEY: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it, “the other side.? Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

* NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

* THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

* ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

* ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken’s motion