Cellphones, Cheating and Couples

Recently a question the following question was posted on the Bruin-ou.com forum: Should we as individuals be concerned about those ringing and in many cases “vibrating” cellphones of our girlfriends/boyfriends, which we never get to see?

Here’s my response…Besides being a part-time dating coach, I speak across South Africa to parents, teachers and teenagers about the pros and cons of MXit/Cellphones and Facebook/Social Networking websites.

One book I read on this topic is Online and Personal by Jo Lamble and Sue Morris, two Australian psychologists, and they make it clear that online affairs have the same impact as real-life affairs because of the emotional attachment that develops between a man and a woman. Both genders often fall into the trap of online relationships. It’s a trap in my view. You are more likely to be disappointed with the results because the people who use online dating websites, for the most part, do not have the confidence or personality that would have prevented them from needing these dating websites in the first place.

Anyway, from all the research, case studies and interviews I’ve conducted over the last 8 years, I can say with confidence that you should be very, very concerned. Consider this fact: we have more distractions, more choice than we’ve ever had in the history of mankind. 30-40 years ago when your parents got married, there were NO CELLPHONES, NO INTERNET, NO FACEBOOK, so it was much less difficult to cheat or have this side relationships or temptations.

Here’s some guidelines by which I conduct myself…

1. Agree on cellphone etiquette early on in a relationship or a date. For example I tell a woman I’m switching off my cellphone and I expect the same from her. There’s no compromise here because if I’m getting to know someone, I give them 100% of my attention and I expect nothing less. So if they ignore this request and their cellphone goes off, or receive and SMS during a dinner date (I never do these any more but maybe you do) I will politely excuse myself to the bathroom and leave. You can read the Leykis 101 rule where this comes from.

2. If they have MySpace or Facebook profiles, have a look at their Friends and also their Relationship Status. Be firm with these profiles because if they are hiding their true relationship status from the world, that tells you everything you need to know about them.

3. Avoid women who cannot leave their cellphones alone for a few hours. Today, my girlfriend and I forgot our cellphones at home, and there was no stress. She didn’t panic and force me to take her back home to fetch her phone, and I led by example. I told her it’s going to be great having no distractions. She’ll have 100% of my attention,n and we must make the most of this day. And we did.

Most people are using their cellphones as an excuse to form deeper, more emotional relationships today. There are many reasons why, and some are explored in the book, The Paradox of Choice. I’m happy to do a personal consultation with couples with relationship/dating problems. Simply contact me for an appointment because this is a problem that will not go away on its own unless you take a firm decision in your relationships going forward.