My friend Ross sent me this article, which come via another friend, from the Women24 website. What amuses me most about the comments on the original website is that several married women are bragging about having fuck buddies.

Now I ask you this…what is the point of getting married if you are going to have sex with other people?

Anyway here’s the article…

Men who enjoy casual sex have always been tolerated. So why are women labeled when they do it?

Fact of life number 20562: some women enjoy having sex without being in love. Unlike the girls conducting business after hours on the city’s street corners, here there’s no monetary exchange, no promise to leave wives, girlfriends or significant others, and no time wasted on wishy-washy declarations of love and unfulfilled proposals of marriage.

While men who enjoy casual sex have always been tolerated (”boys will sow their wild oats”), female sexuality has often been under the control of everyone but the woman herself.

The one-night stand
The amount of time between “girl meets boy” and “girl beds boy” may be weeks, months or many years for the patient, the pious or those who’ve picked a man who can’t raise the Rand for lobola. But in the case of lust at first sight, it’s only a matter of minutes, perhaps hours, before the law of the jungle takes over. In this kind of casual sex it’s understood (or it should be) that no phone numbers will be exchanged and that come daybreak, there’ll be no hard feelings.

The downside
Guilt may arise the morning after the night before. Says Johannesburg psychiatrist and sexologist, Dr Bernard Levinson: “I hate guilt! Take responsibility for your actions, and make sure you use a condom. Whatever you did, you did. It’s your baggage.”

The upside
Men adore being objects of lust. Says Brendan Cooper, UCM Editorial Director: “It’s so rare to have a straightforward, upfront come-on from a woman that I imagine most men are really chuffed by it.” But can a man look at a woman with respect after such a fling? “Why should women be looked at differently because they enjoy sex too?” he asks.

The hunter-gatherer
Whereas a one-night stand is often coincidental, or the result of spiked punch at a party, there are women who set out to count their conquests with as much relish as any man.

Yet there’s a huge difference between an unattached woman enjoying casual sex as and when circumstances permit, and a woman who requires sex continually in order to feel whole, no matter who she has it with.

The downside
Sex with no strings attached may sound idyllic, but it does have its drawbacks. Hunter-gatherers aren’t always happy.

Says Dr Levinson: “They’re seeking orgasms that evade them, a sense of completion that fails every time. It’s a deep-seated problem that doesn’t do well in talking therapy and may need medication of sorts.”

The upside
Being able to express one’s sexuality outside a relationship is certainly a plus if love remains elusive for a long time. If you fancy a guy and long to see him naked in your bed, behaving like a hunter-gatherer is a fast track to passion. Is there a tried and trusted method of doing this?

“Yep,” says Cooper. “All a woman has to say is: ‘Get your jacket, buddy ? you just pulled.”

The shag buddy
It’s an intriguing idea to have a man on call in the event of horniness, someone who’ll kiss and not tell ? but how easy is it to separate the performance from the performer?

Says Dr Eve: “You can bet on things getting confusing the morning after. Sharing yourself physically with someone is intensely personal and intimate. Expect to feel your body shift a little as it integrates this new person into itself.”

There’s a strong chance of feeling empty or used if the only post-sex pillow talk is about when you’ll meet again for a repeat session. Perhaps one of the partners is secretly wanting something more. “In my experience, there are few women who don’t have a measure of hope that this one will be the Prince,” says Dr Eve. “Casual sex is hard on the heart.”

The shag buddy system has the advantage of tiding one over until better days. Says Dr Eve: “Many women find it easier to be sexually satisfied with a near-stranger than in a relationship. When there’s no relationship pressure on them, they have less to lose and can risk asking for what they want sexually ? so they feel more assertive and powerful.”

What do men think?
The opinions of men are varied on this count. Some are happy to have sex served on a platter without having to buy flowers, dinner or diamonds. Some blatantly apply double standards. After all, it’s good for them to find a woman who’s up for it without too much persuasion, but would they really want a relationship with her?

Dr Eve feels that casual sex can be fun if it’s a phase ? not a lifestyle. “This is a choice adults have a right to make,” says Dr Eve, “but it carries the need to take responsibility for protecting your body and mind.”

You may be interested in purchasing Dr Eve’s new book: The Pillowbook from Kalahari.net

Popularity: 30% [?]

Dr Marlene Wasserman aka Dr Eve was the final speaker at this excellent workshop held by Psychologies Magazine at the beautiful Groot Constantia in Cape Town. The first thing Dr Ev made us do was to get up and dance or move around a little bit to the music in the hall. She was really trying to get people to get into their bodies after two very intellectually stimulating sessions. This really is the fundamental problem I believe in sexuality i.e. that people are trapped inside their heads and living with imaginary or real fantasies about their lovers instead of getting down and dirty. She focussed her initial opening on relating from the “We” to the “I” in relationships. Most couples become stuck to the hip metaphorically speaking. They cannot express their individuality and this is almost like a death knell in a long term relationship.

Her presentation included some terrific story telling and there was a lot of giggles all around. Remember this is a seminar room filled with older women and some of them are likely unhappy in their sexual relationships for various reasons. And what Dr Eve does so well is give people permission to see themselves as sexual beings. One thing was clear is that contentment in a relationship is a place of indifference. When the people who she counsels tells her they are happy and content, she immediately become suspicious. To me it could also mean they have basically stopped growing. And sadly it seems that in many relationships as the “We” becomes merged, the “I” is lost at the alter. This is part of the reason why so Valium has been consumed by women and alcohol by men.

From the 1960s the sexual revolution started. Oral contraception emerged alongside feminism. The era of therapy and the emergence of the Me generation. Sexual and human rights form the basis of a healthy relationship and parts of this is protected by our Constitution. Love became taken seriously as a relationship value. The quality if life is very important to relationship happiness. Viagra gave permission for sexual satisfaction. Same sex relationships have become accepted and even legalised in South Africa. In South Africa there has been a lot of talk of late of prostitution or sex work being decriminalised. It has been reported 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men suffer from abuse. And it turns out that HIV/STDs is a consequence of intimate relating.

Lifestyle can increase stress which has a direct link in sexual performance. Religion, righteousness and rigidity become solutions for management of relationships. You must identify your core relationship values i.e. love, monogamy, fidelity, exclusiveness, respect, trust, honesty. There are 3 basic forms of relationships:

1. Side by Side
2. Joined at the Hip
3. Intimate with Interdependence

What I really like about Dr Eve is how she can put people at easy when it comes to this subject matter, which is often so ridiculously complicated by society. There was so many excellent visuals in Dr Eve’s presentation, I would highly recommend anyone who has the opportunity of hearing her speak do so. You won’t regret it. Her new book, The Pillowbook, was on sale and I didn’t hesitate buying a copy and asking her to sign it for me. The message is truly encouraging for me because she thanked me in turn for my contributions with my online dating research. You can expect a review of it shortly. I must conclude with a recommendation of my two favourite books on sex and sexuality:

• The Secrets of Sensual Lovemaking by Tom Leonardi
• The Essential Tantra by Kenneth Ray Stubbs

Popularity: 33% [?]

Last night I did a half hour long interview on SAFM with Lynette Francis. We discussed online dating, speed dating and sms dating. Trying to get people into the mood for Valentine’s Day. My friend Jenny Cereseto from SMARTdate was the only caller and made a good case for speed dating over online dating. My personal opinion is that most of the people using any of these services have some low self-esteem issues. The reason is simple: people who are confident, social and humourous personalities do not need these websites because they are meeting people all the time. And people want to meet them because of those core personality traits which make them stand-out from the rest. So in my personal plans to improve my dating life I’ve used all these dating services but I found the best results has been when I developed my competence with women, my social skills and my sense of humour.

Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day I’ve been invited back onto Goodhope FM with Dr Eve on her weekly show. Its a pity I will not be in studio because I’ve wanted to meet Natalie Becker, who replaced Jeannie D, for a long time. As another dating guru once said its not about me and my life, its about spreading the good news.

Popularity: 14% [?]