Someone like you or someone like me

by Silvana Garbe

Very early in my life, I noticed that what people considered normal or even desirable in romantic relationships often seemed very strange to me. I have no intention to argue what is right and what is wrong in romantic relationships. Moreover, I honestly have no idea what makes them work. This is simply me observing through my very subjective perceptual lens. 

Someone recently told me “You wanna know what makes a relationship work? Nothing! It works because it works.” Now that is the kind of approach that suits my worldview! I am fine with it. I am fine with not knowing what makes a relationship work. Actually, I feel comfortable with it. Why? Because if I believed that a relationship works only if certain conditions apply, that would mean that the partners need to fulfil those conditions. 

It is tiring enough to be running around with this mental mould in which you think your “ideal partner MUST fit”. It is hard enough to find someone who will come close enough to fitting in that mould so that you can convince yourself that they ARE your “ideal partner”. It is even harder to find someone who will actually put up with you trying to tweak and fine-tune them so that they “become” the ideal fit for your mould. I know from first-hand experience that all of this is exhausting. Because I’ve tried it. And you really don’t realise how insulting it is. And you might not even realise that you are doing it. Until, one day, you suddenly become aware of the fact that your partner is doing it to you too. 

A friend was recently telling me that he used to say to one of his ex-girlfriends “I want someone like you.” Now, that may sound like a compliment to most people. But I told my friend “You know, I find that to be quite offensive.” As you might expect, he was a bit taken aback. So I had to explain myself. You see if you say “I want someone to like you” what you are saying is “You have certain characteristics that I want in my partner”. As the song goes “A specimen like you I would like to obtain” (Morcheeba, if you’re curious). To me, that is kind of like buying a car. You look at what is on the market, you find the model that has the features you’re interested in and, if you can afford it, you buy it. Let’s not get into what people think they need to do in order to afford their desired partner – because that is another great source of bewilderment for me and I will go on about it for hours. Suffice it to say I find it insulting to be assessed in that way. And this is why I feel more comfortable not knowing what makes a relationship work. I will not be restrained by some idea about who I should be to make a relationship work. Hahaha! This is another oddity that I see. Change who you are so that the relationship can work. Well, if the relationship does not work for who you are, why have it in the first place? If you want to change, do that for yourself, don’t do it for a relationship. The relationship cannot exist without you, ergo you are more important than the relationship! I don’t understand… Just like I don’t understand why people pave roads which are suitable for stupid uncomfortable shoes instead of making smart comfortable shoes that can be used to walk on the grass. Yeah, I know. Nature – it’s REALLY messy. Mud, dead leaves – bleah! Who wants that? We need to keep it under control and mould it according to our idea of what it should be. 

By now, you might be thinking that I am some monstrous monument of narcissism and selfishness. So let me try to top that. What if, instead of saying “I want someone like you”, you would say “I want someone like me”. Well, you know what? I find that to be a compliment. For most people, it may not be true. I believe most people don’t really want someone like them. But what if it were true for some people? What would it mean if you truly wanted to be with a partner like yourself? What would it mean if you actually liked that when it happened? Well, for one thing, it means that you love yourself. Which is a big deal. But more about that in a moment. What I find to be most attractive in this approach is its focus on sharing. You are looking for compatibility, for a common language that will allow a deep connection and a sense of sharing. This is no longer you out to get something. It is you extending a hand to someone who you consider to be your equal. So I say therein lies the compliment. As for love of self, my personal opinion is that someone who does not love themselves cannot fully enjoy the company of another. They can’t even enjoy their own company. Because there’s always that nagging inner voice saying “Something is not quite right with you”.   

Will it happen? Will we have a chance to share that deep connection? Will we be able to go beyond the sneaky unconscious mould of an ideal partner? I honestly don’t know. But I believe we can. So I am keeping my eyes open. I am keeping my eyes open to look at my partner. I look very carefully. Maybe if I look carefully enough, I will be able to take a step beyond my mental limits and give my partner more space to BE.

Today something very funny occurred to me. In the world view that says my soul is a part of God, God is Infinity and so my soul is Infinity, here is my way to conceive deep connection in a romantic relationship. My body is like the keyhole through which Infinity is peaking out into the physical world. Through its own keyhole, It can see other keyholes, that is to say, other bodies, other people. But, most of the time, my keyhole is at an angle with the other keyholes and It cannot see through them. And one day it happens. I come across a person who can face me. The keyholes overlap perfectly. And then it’s done! Infinity can peer through one body, through the material world, straight into a different body and recognise Itself on the other side! Fantastic! And also very narcissistic, wouldn’t you say? ☺