Your internal state plays a much bigger role in your social success and specifically in your success with the opposite sex. For men this can be very, very problematic. Let me give an example. When you are not feeling good, maybe depressed, maybe lonely or frustrated…you can still drive your car. You get in, start the car and you drive away. If you are angry you may drive faster than usual. If you are lonely you may drive around mindlessly trying to kill time or searching for someone external to you. The thing is you do not forget how to drive your car.

Now for most men this is not the case when it comes to interactions with women. And it goes without saying the more attractive the woman, the more your internal state prevents you from “being normal” around women. So what can you do about this? What can you do to prevent nervousness from destroying your confidence? What can you do to restore your internal state to equilibrium?

The more you ignore this problem, the bigger it is bound to become. Your body becomes conditioned to react in a certain way when you approach women. Even when you are introduced to an attractive women your body will start reacting in the only way it knows how. And this is something you may feel is beyond your control - but it’s not!

You can program your internal state by way of conditioning. What I mean here is by training yourself to respond in the way that you want to. You can begin to sensitise yourself with practise over time. It could take months or it could take years. Now this is where you may want to listen in closely. You can reduce the time to condition your emotions by working on changing the patterns of behaviour. One thing I’ve been doing more and more recently is playing certain types of music on my cellphone/mp3 player when I am about to speak to an audience. I have used the same approach before going out. I’ve chosen some very specific pieces of music that really pushing my internal state way up. Up meaning into a heightened state of awareness as well as a high energy feeling. This is all going on inside of my head and whether I am aware of it or not it’s been having a profound impact on my social interactions.

So what music does this to you? Here’s some suggestions:

• Carmina Burana by Carl Orff
• Imperial March (DarthVader’s Theme) by John Williams
• Aria by Yanni

There are many more. For some people rock music may do it. For some people some other kind of music may do it. The thing is to remember you are not helpless. You can change your internal state. You can have a deeper sense of well being when you choose to control your internal state. And in a very circular way success in social interactions is all about being normal - in “women talk” - just being yourself.

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Tonight I attended my first ever laughing meditation run by my friend Rasada Goldblatt. The laughing meditation is a interesting and unusual way to to reconnect to self. While we did different laughing exercises I realised the moment I start thinking something in my past or something in my future - I would not laughing as hard. So laughing is a way to be in this moment. It’s what Eckart Tolle describes in his book the Power of Now. This is something that I find very difficult to describe because we have so many constant distractions. We have thousands of different things that try to get our attention from people, to billboards, to cellphones, to email, to many other things. And all of this distracts you from being in the moment. Now something else I noticed as well is that the more grief you have experienced, the more laughter you can enjoy. It’s the opposites we live with, the duality of the the universe of time and space. The moment of “now” transcends time and space and is eternal. It’s like that brief moments of feeling completely free or awakened. And as they use to say in the Readers’ Digest: laughter is the best medicine!

Watch this clip from 3Talk with Noeleen featuring Ganda & Rasada.

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You may or may not have seen this clip before. Borat has certainly entered the mainstream with the hit movie from 2006. Borat in his usual casual style introduces the topic and explains in a bewildered manner how American women will not get married unless you date them first. Apparently where comes from, in Kazakhstan, you just go to the woman’s father and pay them. Sounds almost like lobola to me. The questions by the matchmaker with Borat’s responses is hilarious. One benefit from this kind of situation is that it helps you become clear about what you want, what you have to offer. The question of race is not a sensitive issue to Borat: he does not want a Jewish woman. One good piece of advice given at this stage is not to be sexually explicit in your dating profile. You want to be sensual wherever you can but never direct.

Next in dating school Borat learns that most American men bring to many gifts. This is a big no-no according the dating coach. He practices his funny chair joke on her with some uncomfortable giggles. A tip here when telling jokes never laugh before the woman you are talking to has laughed. No matter how lame your jokes - hold your breath - and the people you speak to will eventually giggle even to relieve to the tension. More about cocky comedy later. I think the most hilarious part is that Borat does the opposite of what the dating coach tells him to do. There is some value here because doing the opposite of what your mother taught you or what society expects to you to do, can sometimes have surprisingly good responses from woman. Everyone enjoys a surprise whether they admit it or not.

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A great interview with Anthony Robbins on Larry King Live from December 2006. They discussed why new year resolutions often don’t work out. And went into depth about some basics around human motivation and effecting change in your life. I really like how Tony links his theories on change back to physiological and biological changes. When I used to workout at the gym I had little change. And now I know it’s because my diet was the same. So not much changed in my body. I may have improved my cardio but not much else. They also discussed in detail his support for the death row victim Stan ‘Tookie’ Williams (portrayed by Jamie Foxx in the made-for-TV film Redemption). I teach a process on becoming clear about your what you want, what you don’t want, and the person you have to become to attract someone into your life, that I learned from Tony. Anyway here’s the awesome interview with the brilliant interviewer Larry King:

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I am by no means an expert public speaker but I am on my way to becoming one. Why do I say make this statement that sounds slightly arrogant? In fact it’s not arrogant at all it is me brimming with self-confidence because I know that I am learning and practising the basics. The fundamentals in any discipline ends up being the foundation in which your success is built on. So when it comes to public speaking and delivering presentations at conferences there are right ways of doing things and wrong ways of doing things.

The first is really being prepared. From my Toastmasters club I have learned this lesson over and over to the point where I have rather cancelled a speech than force myself to go ahead. No yes you can have courage to do something unprepared and with a little luck you may survive. The masters teach competence over courage. You will always have a slight edge to you if you are competent with a little fear than courages and ignorant about the reality of situations.

Anyway for the two days I sat through one of the worse conferences I have ever attended. I don’t really care so much about the fact that it was not well attended but more so for the fact that the speakers was really, really bad. And you have to remember that these were professionals, mostly men, with many years of business experience. And the sad fact is that most of them desperately need to be sent on presentation skills AND public speaking courses. Without naming names I will present some of the common mistakes made and some remedies for you to consider…

1. Reading off your presentation

You may as well stop right here. If you are going to read from your presentation you have already lost the audience. Why? They can read faster than you! You must know your subject so well that you only need a few keywords. And Guy Kawasaki describes the optimal font size as 30 pts in his 10/20/30 rule on Powerpoint presentations. The fact that speakers have to read off there presentation says two things: first you are not prepared and second you don’t know how to create effective slides

2. Really bad Powerpoint

This is also the name of a free ebook by Marketing legend Seth Godin. Some of the speakers had such a plethora of colours, animation and text going on it was virtually impossible to read these slides. Yes they end up looking very nice, very fancy but it serves absolutely no purpose. These slides probably take much longer to prepare as well. You must keep it short and simple. From an excellent website called Presentation Zen I recently discovered the Takahashi Method which uses ONLY REALLY BIG TEXT in his presentations.

3. So what factor?

I would blame this partially on the organisers and partially on the speakers. In marketing or communicating a message to an audience you have to tune into radio WIIFM as my friend Tony Roocroft always used to say. For those of you who don’t know WIIFM stands for “What’s In It For Me!” and this is one of the most important questions you must ask yourself, placing yourself in the shoes of the audience, before speaking. I really could care less about most of the presentations. There was no flow, nothing to connect them together.

4. Focus

Focussing on one topic, a central theme, is really important to convey your message. While many of the speakers were all over the show a few them had a really good focus. What happens with narrow focus is becomes much easier to captivate the audience’s attention. You are also able to spend more time with stories and therefore get your message across by way of analogy. Our brains are not programmed to absorb large amounts of raw date, like numbers and statistics in large amounts. In general you are better served by stories that create visual images or when speakers use word pictures.

5. Bad body language

Most of the speakers were either looking at their laptops or looking at the projector screen. Therefore they were not making any eye contact with the audience. And even though it was not a sell-out crowd there were people there who were hungry for attention. Again part of the blame must be assigned to the organisers who did not take the time to evaluate the presentations or speakers. Just because somebody is some kind of corporate executive it does not mean they are a good communicator.

In summary I am very fortunate to have been exposed to presentation skills while working at Deloitte in 1999. During a team building weekend in the Drakensberg my team won the best presentation and being the team leader who delivered the presentation brings back some awesome memories. This path that I have chosen of public speaking is part of my core genius or unique ability.

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On Tuesday I went to the traffic department to pick-up my new drivers license. As fellow South Africans will know - this is a nightmare. The whole system is so messed up because of computer glitches and government bureaucracies and bungling…’nuff said.

Anyway while waiting in the queue I see this woman reading a Danielle Steel book. So as I walked in I immediately made a loud comment about the two guys on either side of her being losers for not talking to her. In fact I pointed to her and said “How rude! Do you guys realise she’s telling you how boring you are and her book is more interesting then whatever you have to say?”

She hit back that they had been stuck in traffic department for two days. They were there the previous day and the systems went down so they came back. Now the great Chinese sage, Lao Tzu, once said those who justify do not convince. And here she was - I hardly know her - and she is defending herself. If she did not care she would continue to read. First IOI - indicator of interest - and she asked me a question - next IOI. My name was called and picked up my drivers license card. I returned to her, asked for her cellphone, called myself and asked her name as a I left - remarking that somebody up there likes me.

So there was some warm-up conversation. Always teasing and never letting on. From the moment I sat down, asked for her phone, called my own number and returned her phone asking for her name > less than 2 mins! This has been one of my favourite ways of getting a woman’s phone number.

The next article will be reposted from David DeAngelo and his technique on email addresses and phone numbers. I’ve tried it and it causes to much of a delay so go directly for the phone number.

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The last few days I’ve been in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa. Now I visit this wonderful city about once every two or three months and whenever I am here it feels like home - that is another story. I’d like to share with a lesson in charm school.

A few days before leaving Joburg I booked my car rental through Avis - the “we try harder company.” I got the best deal and was content. First thing I realised after checking in at the newly renamed OR Tambo International (Johannesburg International) airport is that I forgot my drivers license in my car. This was parked at the long term parking so there was no way I’m going to run out to the parking lot to retrieve it before taking off from Cape Town.

The little voice in my head told me “don’t worry you’re a damn charming fellow and whomever you speak to at Avis in Cape Town will help you out.” This is where I first programmed the belief into my own mind.

Now let’s skip to Cape Town airport and my arrival at the Avis desk. I am a “preferred member” but left my damn card also back at my place in Jozi. So with only slight hesitation I headed over to the Preferred Customer section (always a shorter queue and all for filling in a form to get a loyalty card.) I stood up straight and in my most authentically charming voice told the woman behind the counter I have a special situation , she must please try to help me out.

Read the above again - I basically issued an instruction, not a request. You see the human brain is the most programmable computer ever invented. And the great school system prepares you to become an automaton who listen to commands much more than questioning them - just look at how people around you behave. If you studies any NLP at all you’ll be smiling by now.

So as she looked at me I also looked deep into her eyes. I used a technique called “Sending” recently learned from Dr Paul Dobransky to send her good feelings. Next thing is I assumed rapport and treated her like an old friend. Smiling but not to much and always keeping very good body language - meaning confident body language. You loose more by poor body language and bad voice tone then any crap you may speak.

Anyway the end result here was that I used charm instead of flattery. I did not compliment this woman except in the end and it was sincere. Now most people in my situation would have tried to be overly nice - this is flattery. And most guys when meeting a new girl they find attractive dish out the compliments without the women doing one thing to deserve it. This woman from Avis deserved a compliment. And I may just send her some flowers before my next trip in June - this will secure continued excellent and preferential service. I like to see this as building goodwill for the future.

What’s your experience with charming people to help you out of problematic situations?

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The short answer is “no” because looks are less important for women then for men. I’m not saying it’s not important - it is important just less than what most men believe. I saw Ryk on 3Talk today and had this thought I felt like sharing this with you…

Attractive people have always has advantage over less attractive people. I’ve come across many stories of attractive people being hired especially in sales positions. One that really hits home for me being multiracial person in South Africa is this one.

One expert explained the way attraction develops for men and women differ in the following ways.

For women it happens like this:

1. attraction first happens at an emotional level
2. next it happens at an intellectual level
3. next it happens physically

For men it happens like this:

1. attraction happens first physically
2. next it happens intellectually
3. next it happens emotionally

So in this respect you may realise how much more common it is to see really attractive women with unattractive men. If you think about it what are some of the qualities or characteristics women find attractive: sense of humour, confidence, mystery, etc. Ask any man what he finds attractive about a woman. You’ll get a list as follows: I like her ass, boobs, legs, lips, smile, eyes, etc.

Men are biologically and evolutionary designed to be more visual. Back when we were running around on the African Savannah in groups of 50 to 150, we needed to be very accurate in hunting and protecting our tribes, by having good eyesight. Women on the other hand looked after the children and developed an amazing ability to read emotions from the children and from other women.

When you start learning how to convey your personality in a manner that women find compelling, you realise that physical appearance or model looks is less important for women. Now how do you develop your personality? Learn how to be less needy. Stop complimenting women. Tell interesting stories and one thing that I certainly encourage men to learn from the likes of Ryk Neethling is to have a magnificent obsession. Have a purpose or a path that you follow. You will become immensely more attractive to women.

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Urban Brew, the producers of 3Talk with Noeleen called me this afternoon to invite me back onto the show for the 2nd time, this Friday, 4 May. 3Talk is a daily show that runs from 5h45pm-6h30pm every weekday on SABC3.

As you know Noeleen Maholwana-Sangqu is South Africa’s answer to Oprah, the Queen of the daily talk show. The show topic: “Where are South Africans meeting their partners.

I look forward to your comments after the show on Friday. And for those interesting in hiring me as a dating coach go here.

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Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters in a his latest comedy once again. And yes it’s about fat people. Murphy plays and Norbit, a shy, introverted orphan; Rasputia, the obese, loud-mouthed, girl who saves him from the playground bullies, and whom he later on ends up marrying; as well as Mr Wong, the rude, racist Chinese owner of the orphanage where Norbit is raised.

I must agree wholeheartedly with the review on Filmthreat that Murphy seems to be getting lazy in trying to come up with new ideas. The humour is dated to say the least. The thing about Norbit, the main character, is that he is such a nice guy that he gets walked over his whole life. This means that he essentially has very low self-esteem and lacked a strong male model growing up. Mr Wong tells him a few times throughout the film that his inner strength that will one day emerge.

Thandie Newton, the hot MILF, is one of the few redeeming aspects of this movie. She plays Norbit’s childhood friend, who returns to town with her fiancée played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. This presents a challenge to Norbit that will hopefully bring him out of his shell. This movie is so far from reality of male-female dynamics in the real world, it can only happen in a Hollywood movie. In the real world a gorgeous woman like Newton will never choose a wimp like Norbit. He does practically nothing to show any grain of confidence except for a brief moment towards to the end when she almost marries her fiancée. This is certainly not a relationship that can last. Why?

Norbit is one-dimensional, predictable. He puts himself down to make her happy and even states his sole purpose for the rest of his life is to make her happy as happy as she made him. And over time this type of relationships dynamic has been shown to cause resentment in women. Women will get bored with a man like Norbit very quickly because everything he says or does will be predictable.

So what is my advice to you? Find your own path, your own purpose and focus on realising your own ambitions. When you are on this journey you become much more attractive to women and people in general. You then go about your life inviting others on the journey. And when it’s an attractive woman, you say it’ll be great if you join me, but I’m going to continue anyway.

If you are lonely or frustrated with your dating life I highly recommend you read David DeAngelo’s ebook Double Your Dating.

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