Ramon Thomas
Psychology of Technology Blog
Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir… But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.
‘How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve..’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd… ‘
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’
Lord, Give me a sense of humour,
the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Imagine a world without Social Networking
Imagine there’s no Facebook
It’s easy if you try
No “Friends” or “Status”
No pages you can “Like”
Imagine all the people
Living yesterday…
Imagine there’s no Linkedin
It isn’t hard to do
No “Add connections”
No “People you may know”
Imagine all the people
Living in the past…
You may say, I’m a luddite
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be unplugged
Imagine there’s no Twitter
I wonder if you can
No tweets or “fail whale”
A social media ban
Imagine all the people
Sharing only words…
You may say, I’m a luddite,
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be unplugged
author: Sherry Bastion
Church sings with a sense of humour
If only all religion was filled with humour, the world would be better place. My good friend Reuel Leach emailed me this wonderful images today:
How Indians do arranged marriage in 21st century
Rajpat (the father): Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: “I will choose my own bride!!!”
Rajpat: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..”
Son: “Well, in that case… Ok”
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: “I have a husband for your daughter….”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!”
Rajpat: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case… Ok”
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president..”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Rajpat: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… Ok”
And that my friend, is how Indians do business.
AI DIE AFRIKAANS !!
Sex is soos ‘n payslip.
Mens praat nie rerig daaroor nie, want dalk kry die ander ou meer as jy!!
Juffrou gee wiskunde
“Gertjie verstaan jy alles?” “Sjoe juffrou net so kol kol!” “Watter kol verstaan jy nie, Gertjie?” “Fokol juffrou, fokol!”
‘n Les uit geskiedenis:
Rasse intergrasie is soos om kak en roomys te meng. Dit doen niks regtig aan die kak nie, maar dit fok die roomys heeltemal op!
Wangspiere
Wetenskap het bewys dat vrouens se wangspiere SO sterk is dat, as sy dikbek is, hou dit selfs haar bene toe!!
Rassis
‘n REGTE rassis is iemand wat ‘n zebra skiet, en dan net biltong maak van die wit stukke….
Wat is die top punt van gesuip????
As jy oor di dansvloer loop vir nog n dop,en jy wen die singles dans kompetisie!
Dronk katoliek sit in biegkas (confession).
Na ‘n baie lang stilte klop die priester om man se aandag te trek.
“Jy klop verniet!,” skree dronkie terug. “hier is ook nie kakpapier nie!”
Seuntjie van drie vra sy ouma:
“Ouma, is jy van karton gemaak?”
Ouma lag lekker en sê: “Haai nee my skat, hoekom vra jy dan nou vir Ouma so?”
Seuntjie antwoord: “Want Pappa sê altyd Ouma is ‘n regte ou doos.”
Geduld is ‘n stadige manier om jou moer heeltemal te strip
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk….. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Poof! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’ Poof! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. It’s full of nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy…. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE…
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating …. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married …. You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating …. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married …. He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating …. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married …. He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating …. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married …. A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating ….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married …. You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating …. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married …. You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating ….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married …. He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating ….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating ….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married …. When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating …. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married …. The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating …. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married …. He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating …. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married …. He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married …. He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
Bill Hicks used to end his shows with this…
Life is like a ride in an amusement park and when you go on it and you think it’s real, cause that’s how powerful our minds are, and the ride goes up and down, and round and round. It has thrills and chills and its very brightly coloured. And it’s very loud and its fun for a while. Some have been on it for a long time, and begin to question is this real or is this just a ride. And other people have remembered and they come back to us, and they say “hey don’t worry, don’t be afraid ever, cause this is just a ride.”
And we kill those people. “Shut him I’ve got a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family, this has to be real.” It’s just a ride. We all kill those good guys who try and tell us that. You ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn’t matter cause its just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings with money. Just a choice right now between fear … and love.
Recommendations
Office +27 081 4399 555
